smoke

[sahilchopra1987]

i run
around
in circles,
said
the dog,
marking
virgin
spaces

but what
can i
own now?
asked
the dog,
circles,
i said
circles,
circles,
circles,
until
you
disappear

[sahilchopra1987]

i am on top of
you
you
you and
you

fall in line, you filthy pig!

*the pig turns his head in slow mo*

if only
this was
the last chapter.

*trumpet call*

[hillwalker]

I much prefer 'smoke' although it is rather sparse. Your second barely qualifies as a poem.

H

[sahilchopra1987]

thanks for your feedback H. much appreciate it.

[sahilchopra1987]

let it flip

tying the rope around his neck
to the iron pole cemented to the ground
he sat on the edge of his bed
under starry skies
all night

day came and then came night
as he continued to sit there

waiting for his world
to turn upside down

[Jerrybaldy]

'let it flip' ... I love the idea of somebody waiting to be hung from the ground by the world turning upside down. The passing of time as he waits could be far better described and enriched other than ' all night/ day came and then night'.

JB

[Haunted]

I kinda like these because they are unexpected. I don't get "animal farm", I read that ages ago and I can't pick up the references — my own fault. The last one is intriguing and unsettling.

[sahilchopra1987]

'let it flip' ... I love the idea of somebody waiting to be hung from the ground by the world turning upside down. The passing of time as he waits could be far better described and enriched other than ' all night/ day came and then night'.

JB

Thanks Jerry, the attempt was to keep it absolutely minimal.

[sahilchopra1987]

I kinda like these because they are unexpected. I don't get "animal farm", I read that ages ago and I can't pick up the references — my own fault. The last one is intriguing and unsettling.

Animal Farm still remains my favorite from George Orwell. :)

[sahilchopra1987]

the old whore

he ran his hand
over the moist piece of cloth
dressing the cot
as his fingers read
every movement of hers
through the uncanny contours
of the spread
feeling the dents
of her body pressing deeper
with each subsequent thrust
breeding contempt
for she came cheap

had he been there
he would have laughed

[Bar22do]

I like your minimalism!

Smoke is good, except that for me it would be even better if you ended with "circles, circles, circles", without until you disappear (you tell us the effect which we feel and see with "circles, circles, circles"!

My second choice is "let it flip" - interesting perspective! but I agree with Jerry you could handle time issue better.

Welcome!

[sahilchopra1987]

@bra22do - interesting perceptive on smoke. for me, the choice was between stopping at dizzy or making him go on...

[sahilchopra1987]

the mad hatter

his head is
under the hat
you casually flung
on to the bustling street