This Trip

[angliholic]

Ahead of me, there was only birds' chirping
behind me, autumn's gently breathing

Scattered on this shady path
were a few blurry footprints
like missing pages of some unread stories

My mind, more cloudy than the evening glow
in the western sky
longed for a rest
wishing to be the bird in a tree nearby
perching confortably in its cozy nest

Perhaps
I'll sit in a pavilion on the hillside

waiting for the cicadas to play their finale
for the maple trees to turn yellow
for all the leaves to float like falling snowflakes

and for the spring to grace this land again

A revised version

[hallaig]

I think your imagery is a bit purple and cliched: leaves like falling snowflakes, mind cloudy as the evening glow, even the most ambitious one- footprints like missing pages of an unread story- doesnae come off cos it doesn't quite make sense. Feels to me like you think a poem should contain stuff like this and you're trying too hard. I wonder if it would be just as effectiove to pare this down to simple descriptive phrases and build an image that way.

[Bar22do]

I think your imagery is a bit purple and cliched: leaves like falling snowflakes, mind cloudy as the evening glow, even the most ambitious one- footprints like missing pages of an unread story- doesnae come off cos it doesn't quite make sense. Feels to me like you think a poem should contain stuff like this and you're trying too hard. I wonder if it would be just as effectiove to pare this down to simple descriptive phrases and build an image that way.

Perhaps something like:

Autumn's gentle breathing,
blurry footprints scattered on the shady path
like sown pages of unknown stories.

My cloudy mind longs for a rest -
perhaps
I'll sit in a pavilion on the hillside
and listen to cicadas' finale?

just a thought/suggestion, please ignore if it is of no use to you.