A Dream

[phoenixtears]

A clear blue sky, a brook gushing by
birds flying high, the breeze makin' a sigh

The clouds all white, the sun shining bright
a coruscating light, an astonishing sight

The bird's musical sound, the green grassy ground
the big old mound, the magic well wound

The falling of the rain, the vanishing of pain
the relinquishing strain, stress on the wane

The arrival of night, the doubling of delight
darkness givin' a fright, beauty at its height

The shining of the moon on the 20th of June
The day’s dawned soon for midnight seem’d noon

The chill gave a creep but the fun grew deep
Some memories to keep as I roused from sleep!

[Noumenon]

Fantastic. I love the structure here, seems to bounce off of itself very well and worded beautifully. The overall meaning, the kicker some would say, is almost non-existent though. So you dreampt of a glorious day turning into frightening, though beautiful night? I think it's that last stanza that confuses me.

Great poem though, as I said great use of words and placement.

[Jack of Hearts]

This almost floats by because it sort of does a nice job of describing something at first. But the longer it goes on, the more intrusive the forced scheme/rhythm becomes, and the more certain this reader became of the fact that you weren't really expressing anything.








J

[hillwalker]

Wow. Whatever happened here?

It looks to me as if you found a computerised rhyming programme and decided to let that write the poem for you. Cliche after cliche made this almost painful to read - 'moon' and 'June'? Those two words have probably only been rhymed together 78 million times.

There's no word here that hasn't been end-rhymed before... and unfortunately, not a single original thought in sight. Not so much a poem as an exercise in rhyming. Pointless.

H

[phoenixtears]

Thanks guys for all the comments, much appreciated. It was an experiment with rhyme that has clearly not gone well with you.Hillwalker, in particular, has not taken to the rhyme scheme so kindly. Well, Hill, I don't know whether you have dissected the poem or murdered it but I've always loved your criticism although it seems nice only when somebody else is at the receiving end.
Hope I'll come up with something better next time. Looking forward to your much anticipated comments then.

[hillwalker]

Not dissected or murdered - just put out of its misery...

So many aspiring poets end up writing stuff like this where the rhyme becomes the sole purpose of putting pen to paper. I just don't understand the reasoning behind it. If you wish to express your ideas or reflections I'm sure you can come up with something less weighed down by such a ponderous and pedantic rhyme scheme.

H