I saw a dream

[cacian]

I felt the world
collapse in front me
saw lights
take up and leave
stars move fast
towards the rise
I touched the sky
with eyes
clouds gathered
so dense
colours shattered
across the lands
the moon startled
the sounds around
a wave of trance
was felt
silhouettes rose
fastened
quick
against the shine
and drifted past
from darkness far
it was a blast
a memory past
I had no time
I could not make it out
I woke
opened my eyes
and there it was
silence all around

[Jeos]

Hhhuumm... you can do better... the pace of the description is too linear and there is to much "I"

[cacian]

Hi Jeos thank you very much for your constructive advice.
I have it adjusted in places.
Thank you again!

[Jack of Hearts]

Though it starts to lose itself by the second third, this may be the most cohesive piece you've ever written. Not cohesive in the sense that its poetic elements fit together nicely. Cohesive in the sense that we can ****ing understand it.

So it's the best thing you've ever written.

It takes a lot of courage to work in a second language, and it isn't easy. But think about how you acquired the language in the first place- because you wanted to communicate. So when the anglophone posters are telling you that your work is nonsensical as is, and you're telling them to deal with it, that's not communication.

And that, in this reader's opinion, makes for bad writing.






J

[cacian]

Jack of Heart thank you.