For you

[Dreamsqueen]

Hi, I am new in the forum and here I post one of my few poems, hope you like it, all critique is welcomed

For the one I most loved
for whom I most trust
For who gave me the might
for who showed my the light
The light of hope and bliss
after I lived in sadness
after I've been through miseries
after I lost all trust and faith
only you I found them with
all love and passion I gave you
all honesty, all devotion for you
yet now, I see in you the treachery
I knew and felt all melancholy
sorry beloved, but no more emotion
you buried in me all passion
my heart is now just a grave
it beats for only a life save

[hallaig]

No need to batter rhymes in place, forget about rhyme it's just a distraction, there are plenty of other ways to establish rhythm. I think you should begin by practising word sketches where you deliberately avoid 'emoshunn' and blatantly describing your feelings. You can't hide from yourself so even a description of a wall, a country scene, your kitchen, your grannie's face, will reveal what you're thinking. It's a much more subtle, satisfactory way to write and it doesn't bore the pants off the reader.

[hillwalker]

Welcome to the forum, and well done for posting your first poem. Unfortunately you're not going to get very much positive feedback because of what you have chosen to write about.

Because this is such a personal piece aimed presumably at someone you loved there's nothing here for anyone else to find remotely interesting. There are millions of love poems out there - poems about unrequited love - and yours has nothing original to share with us so it's quite unrewarding to read. It says nothing to me - and presumably will have the same effect on anyone else who reads it.

As hallaig points out, try to come up with something new; something you have observed or experienced that you can comment on with a fresh perspective; something we can share and explore with you.

You also need to look at how you approach writing poetry because this looks like the typical misguided efforts of someone trying to look as if they are writing 'proper poetry'.

Rhyme is like a computer virus. In the wrong hands it has a habit of turning poetry into gibberish. Look at the last two lines of your poem - they rhyme, but they make absolutely no sense.
Also it can make you twist language into convoluted sentences
- 'only you I found them with' - is that the way you normally express yourself? Or would you say 'I only found them with you.?

On this evidence you're trying too hard to impress. My advice - read lots of contemporary poetry so you can see how it's supposed to work. Then by all means keep writing - it can only get better.

H

[Jeos]

paraphrasing Hillwalker, read lots of contemporary poetry, beginning with the poets that touches you more... search for names and make a selection.

[Dreamsqueen]

thanks all for your comments.

[Delta40]

read some of the other poems on here and don't be afraid to post your comments either.