Winder
09-11-2012, 10:06 PM
For a long time now I have wanted to conceptualize a concept I had been thinking of. I won't go too much into detail about that unless discussion ensues. For the most part, I am looking for criticism and ways that I could improve but I also just wanted to share this piece that I've been meaning to finish. I realize that I made various mistakes dealing with tenses and speech. Thank you for reading!
______________________________
I had always been incapable of trust. Over the span of my life I had been betrayed by countless authoritative figures that I am no longer able to process such a concept. Due to the various horrors that I have experienced, I find that I am numb to the normal human interaction and sentience that my life had once been comprised of. I had been this way for such a lengthy time that I had no expectations of living any differently. And then, I met David.
Because of my father’s job, we were constantly moving to different cities all across the US. We typically didn’t stay anywhere for more than three months at a time which, as you could imagine, was not the optimal scenario for me. I never had any friends and I feel that I can largely attribute this to my father’s inability to stay either speak up for himself or find a different job. I thought my education and teenage experience would have been something important to him but I clearly misjudged his priorities. Countless times I found myself on the brink of friendship, something that doesn’t come easy to me. Yet to the same degree I had found any possibility of friendship slipping through the gaps in between my fingers. Every time I obtained the courage to reach out to someone I thought I would grab a hold of their hand as they reached out to me. Though every time, I got to the point where I could feel the wind generated by their closing hand as theirs fell away from mine.
It was mid-April and for the time being, we lived in a tiny city located in northern Iowa. We had been living here for about three weeks and I had been going to school for two of those. My parents always insisted on enrolling me at the school prior to our arrival. I’m really not sure what benefit that had – the classes I wanted to take were either unavailable, too far ahead, or didn’t even cover what I had previously learned. Any effort I put into my schoolwork was minimal and lacked enthusiasm. The only reason I even bothered attending school everyday was because I had motivation: David.
David was in three out of the five classes that I had. He was a few inches taller than I was, had short and cleanly maintained blonde hair, and was of average build. He was by standard definition “desirable”. He had a large amount of friends and was highly involved at the school. He sort of had a radiant glow of confidence that you could see from miles away. But the one true thing that caught my attention each time I saw him were his eyes. They effortlessly encapsulated an emerald softly hit by the light of the sun and naturally scattered and magnified that brightness. From every angle they shone marvelously and there was never any sign of that fading. His eyes offered me salvation. They represented freedom, they represented happiness, and the one irrefutable thing was that they represented hope.
As time went on, I admired David from afar. It was not in my character to reach out and make the first contact and I became comfortable that, like many others, I would never get to know him. Then came the day where my Physics teacher announced that for our upcoming summative assignment on kinematics, we would have to work in predetermined pairs. I perked up at this news but then realized that my chances of being selected were 1/26, so I forced myself to relax a little bit. After the teacher had thoroughly reviewed his expectations for this task, he began listing off the groups. Lazily, I listened as all the names were called. Only three pairs were unknown and my name had been untouched. Then I noticed that David’s name had not been called either… The seconds turned into minutes and I felt my heartbeat escalate. I was afraid that the people in the front row would hear the beating against my chest. I watched the teacher’s lips move. “Stacy and Mark, you will be working together.” Slowly but surely, I came to the realization that neither of those names belongs to me and neither of those names belongs to David. Stacy and Mark were the second last group to be announced and I became so overwhelmed with elation and fear that I knew I was working with David. “Alright class, you have the rest of the period to get started.”
Soon after our names were called and I was able to compose myself, I saw David sling his backpack over his shoulders and get up from his seat. Without a second thought, he turned around and made his away over to my desk. How had he known where I sat? Even before that, how did he know my name? I had been quiet and reserved ever since I got here. The only explanations to these things were that he either overheard the teacher address me by name when I first entered the class or that he noticed me and was interested in me. Just thinking that I had caught his attention flushed my cheeks with a deep shade of red.
David pulled out the chair from the empty desk beside me and took a seat. “So, what are your ideas for the project?” he asked me. Trying to hide my embarrassment and amour, I directed all my focus to conceptualizing with David. Thankfully, the class just started a new unit when I was arriving so I hadn’t missed too much of the content. We were able to have a fluent discussion on how we were going to convey the relationships between scalar and vector quantities and other boring things until the bell interrupted us. It was the end of the day as well as Friday, so I wouldn’t be seeing David any further until school resumed on the Monday. I told him that we could just come back to our brainstorming the next time we saw each other and he agreed that was a great idea. Then the unexpected happened: he tore off a piece from his paper, wrote down his phone number and handed it to me. He gave me a friendly smile and said “I’ll see you soon!”.
I ran up the stairs to my room as soon as I got home. I set my backpack on my computer desk chair and threw myself on my bed. I stared at the ceiling. I couldn’t believe what was happening. I pulled the slip of paper out of my pocket and stared at that instead. I felt the material. I needed to know that it was real. I debated calling him but I thought about how creepy I would seem if I had. I decided to leave that until a little while after dinner.
“Thank you for dinner” I said as I excused myself from the dinner table and made my way to the confines of our basement. I picked up the phone off the coffee table, sat on the floor and again pulled out the slip of paper. Wearily, I coordinated my fingers with the phone to match the same numbers that I read before me. I pushed the ‘call’ button and slowly raised the phone to my ear. I heard it ring three times before I heard David’s soft voice say, “Hello?” I greeted him back and instantly he began asking me about my availability this weekend. I told him that I am virtually free all the time and he suggested that we meet up tomorrow around noon. I gave him my address and we said our goodbyes. I fell backwards on the floor and let myself drift away from this surreal reality.
As soon as I heard David’s knocking on my door I ran downstairs and welcomed him in. “Mom, dad, this is my David. We’re partners for the project I was telling you about,”. They exchanged greetings and made a little bit of small talk, which was proceeded by us moving to the basement for a clear workspace.
David and I ended up meeting again the following day. During our work, we exchanged some details about our lives and got to know each other a little bit better. I felt a strange sort of ability to confide in him. There was something about it, a quality that he had that just made me reassured that I could talk to him. In truth, I really could. He sat there intently listening and interested in what I had to say. I had never felt this sort of connection with anyone in my life for the longest time. I had noticed myself deeply in a rant about how I was always moving because of my dad and how I didn’t really expect to be here long. I think he was aware how frustrated I was getting because that was when he leaned in closer to me, cupped my face in his hands, and gently placed a kiss on my lips. Our eyes met and for the first time I was able to the beacon of hope up close. He whispered to me, “I hope you stay here for a really long time”.
Four months had passed. David and I spent nearly all of our spare time together. We became nearly inseparable and invested ourselves in a relationship. The summer was especially a great time because without school being a factor we were able to plan trips that would occupy our weekends and spend days together at a time. I was in love with him and I felt so thankful that our different kind of love was still able to advance and was not hindered by outside forces. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and I was so sure of the fact. This was the most important friendship and relationship I had ever experienced and I never wanted to let it go. This was something that I would hold onto with everything inside of me.
It was a late-September evening when my dad called me downstairs. The tone in his voice gave me an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. Slowly and wearily I made my way into the living room where he was sitting down. “Work just called. They’re transferring me to the Oregon location. Our arrangements are in the process of being made and they’ll let us know when we have to leave.” Tears began streaming down my face. I stood there, motionless, just staring at him. I caught his gaze and I didn’t let it go. I wanted him to see the pain occupying my soul right now. I wanted him to feel what I am feeling. I couldn’t leave David. I wouldn’t leave David.
As unrelenting sobs wracked my body I began to notice how unexpected this was. Normally I would have zero attachments to the home, the people, and the community. This was different – this never happened. My dad stood up and put his arms around me. “It’s David, isn’t it?”. This shocked me. I never knew my parents were really paying attention to how and where I spent my time. I didn’t even know they cared. Had I made everything between David and I so noticeable? He continued, “Ever since we’ve been here you’ve been different. There is a shine to you now. You look vibrant and healthy and just, well, happy. There’s something special about him and you being together.” “I can’t leave him dad, I can’t.” I choked out. He released me from his embrace and held me by the shoulders. He looked at me and said “Son, I love you. I’m going to call work tomorrow and tell them to forget about our arrangements. We aren’t leaving. I won’t do this to you again.”
I stood there crying for a good matter of minutes until it finally kicked in. We were staying. I could stay. David. I was flooded with joy and one last time I hugged my dad.
So that is what happened. That is how I changed. I was influenced by the unconditional love that I shared with David. We knew it wouldn’t be easy to be together but we knew that as long as we had each other, we would be safe. I owe him my everything for all that he’s done for me. I owe him for the hope that his spirit instilled in mine. I owe him my trust. And I owe him the future.
______________________________
I had always been incapable of trust. Over the span of my life I had been betrayed by countless authoritative figures that I am no longer able to process such a concept. Due to the various horrors that I have experienced, I find that I am numb to the normal human interaction and sentience that my life had once been comprised of. I had been this way for such a lengthy time that I had no expectations of living any differently. And then, I met David.
Because of my father’s job, we were constantly moving to different cities all across the US. We typically didn’t stay anywhere for more than three months at a time which, as you could imagine, was not the optimal scenario for me. I never had any friends and I feel that I can largely attribute this to my father’s inability to stay either speak up for himself or find a different job. I thought my education and teenage experience would have been something important to him but I clearly misjudged his priorities. Countless times I found myself on the brink of friendship, something that doesn’t come easy to me. Yet to the same degree I had found any possibility of friendship slipping through the gaps in between my fingers. Every time I obtained the courage to reach out to someone I thought I would grab a hold of their hand as they reached out to me. Though every time, I got to the point where I could feel the wind generated by their closing hand as theirs fell away from mine.
It was mid-April and for the time being, we lived in a tiny city located in northern Iowa. We had been living here for about three weeks and I had been going to school for two of those. My parents always insisted on enrolling me at the school prior to our arrival. I’m really not sure what benefit that had – the classes I wanted to take were either unavailable, too far ahead, or didn’t even cover what I had previously learned. Any effort I put into my schoolwork was minimal and lacked enthusiasm. The only reason I even bothered attending school everyday was because I had motivation: David.
David was in three out of the five classes that I had. He was a few inches taller than I was, had short and cleanly maintained blonde hair, and was of average build. He was by standard definition “desirable”. He had a large amount of friends and was highly involved at the school. He sort of had a radiant glow of confidence that you could see from miles away. But the one true thing that caught my attention each time I saw him were his eyes. They effortlessly encapsulated an emerald softly hit by the light of the sun and naturally scattered and magnified that brightness. From every angle they shone marvelously and there was never any sign of that fading. His eyes offered me salvation. They represented freedom, they represented happiness, and the one irrefutable thing was that they represented hope.
As time went on, I admired David from afar. It was not in my character to reach out and make the first contact and I became comfortable that, like many others, I would never get to know him. Then came the day where my Physics teacher announced that for our upcoming summative assignment on kinematics, we would have to work in predetermined pairs. I perked up at this news but then realized that my chances of being selected were 1/26, so I forced myself to relax a little bit. After the teacher had thoroughly reviewed his expectations for this task, he began listing off the groups. Lazily, I listened as all the names were called. Only three pairs were unknown and my name had been untouched. Then I noticed that David’s name had not been called either… The seconds turned into minutes and I felt my heartbeat escalate. I was afraid that the people in the front row would hear the beating against my chest. I watched the teacher’s lips move. “Stacy and Mark, you will be working together.” Slowly but surely, I came to the realization that neither of those names belongs to me and neither of those names belongs to David. Stacy and Mark were the second last group to be announced and I became so overwhelmed with elation and fear that I knew I was working with David. “Alright class, you have the rest of the period to get started.”
Soon after our names were called and I was able to compose myself, I saw David sling his backpack over his shoulders and get up from his seat. Without a second thought, he turned around and made his away over to my desk. How had he known where I sat? Even before that, how did he know my name? I had been quiet and reserved ever since I got here. The only explanations to these things were that he either overheard the teacher address me by name when I first entered the class or that he noticed me and was interested in me. Just thinking that I had caught his attention flushed my cheeks with a deep shade of red.
David pulled out the chair from the empty desk beside me and took a seat. “So, what are your ideas for the project?” he asked me. Trying to hide my embarrassment and amour, I directed all my focus to conceptualizing with David. Thankfully, the class just started a new unit when I was arriving so I hadn’t missed too much of the content. We were able to have a fluent discussion on how we were going to convey the relationships between scalar and vector quantities and other boring things until the bell interrupted us. It was the end of the day as well as Friday, so I wouldn’t be seeing David any further until school resumed on the Monday. I told him that we could just come back to our brainstorming the next time we saw each other and he agreed that was a great idea. Then the unexpected happened: he tore off a piece from his paper, wrote down his phone number and handed it to me. He gave me a friendly smile and said “I’ll see you soon!”.
I ran up the stairs to my room as soon as I got home. I set my backpack on my computer desk chair and threw myself on my bed. I stared at the ceiling. I couldn’t believe what was happening. I pulled the slip of paper out of my pocket and stared at that instead. I felt the material. I needed to know that it was real. I debated calling him but I thought about how creepy I would seem if I had. I decided to leave that until a little while after dinner.
“Thank you for dinner” I said as I excused myself from the dinner table and made my way to the confines of our basement. I picked up the phone off the coffee table, sat on the floor and again pulled out the slip of paper. Wearily, I coordinated my fingers with the phone to match the same numbers that I read before me. I pushed the ‘call’ button and slowly raised the phone to my ear. I heard it ring three times before I heard David’s soft voice say, “Hello?” I greeted him back and instantly he began asking me about my availability this weekend. I told him that I am virtually free all the time and he suggested that we meet up tomorrow around noon. I gave him my address and we said our goodbyes. I fell backwards on the floor and let myself drift away from this surreal reality.
As soon as I heard David’s knocking on my door I ran downstairs and welcomed him in. “Mom, dad, this is my David. We’re partners for the project I was telling you about,”. They exchanged greetings and made a little bit of small talk, which was proceeded by us moving to the basement for a clear workspace.
David and I ended up meeting again the following day. During our work, we exchanged some details about our lives and got to know each other a little bit better. I felt a strange sort of ability to confide in him. There was something about it, a quality that he had that just made me reassured that I could talk to him. In truth, I really could. He sat there intently listening and interested in what I had to say. I had never felt this sort of connection with anyone in my life for the longest time. I had noticed myself deeply in a rant about how I was always moving because of my dad and how I didn’t really expect to be here long. I think he was aware how frustrated I was getting because that was when he leaned in closer to me, cupped my face in his hands, and gently placed a kiss on my lips. Our eyes met and for the first time I was able to the beacon of hope up close. He whispered to me, “I hope you stay here for a really long time”.
Four months had passed. David and I spent nearly all of our spare time together. We became nearly inseparable and invested ourselves in a relationship. The summer was especially a great time because without school being a factor we were able to plan trips that would occupy our weekends and spend days together at a time. I was in love with him and I felt so thankful that our different kind of love was still able to advance and was not hindered by outside forces. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and I was so sure of the fact. This was the most important friendship and relationship I had ever experienced and I never wanted to let it go. This was something that I would hold onto with everything inside of me.
It was a late-September evening when my dad called me downstairs. The tone in his voice gave me an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. Slowly and wearily I made my way into the living room where he was sitting down. “Work just called. They’re transferring me to the Oregon location. Our arrangements are in the process of being made and they’ll let us know when we have to leave.” Tears began streaming down my face. I stood there, motionless, just staring at him. I caught his gaze and I didn’t let it go. I wanted him to see the pain occupying my soul right now. I wanted him to feel what I am feeling. I couldn’t leave David. I wouldn’t leave David.
As unrelenting sobs wracked my body I began to notice how unexpected this was. Normally I would have zero attachments to the home, the people, and the community. This was different – this never happened. My dad stood up and put his arms around me. “It’s David, isn’t it?”. This shocked me. I never knew my parents were really paying attention to how and where I spent my time. I didn’t even know they cared. Had I made everything between David and I so noticeable? He continued, “Ever since we’ve been here you’ve been different. There is a shine to you now. You look vibrant and healthy and just, well, happy. There’s something special about him and you being together.” “I can’t leave him dad, I can’t.” I choked out. He released me from his embrace and held me by the shoulders. He looked at me and said “Son, I love you. I’m going to call work tomorrow and tell them to forget about our arrangements. We aren’t leaving. I won’t do this to you again.”
I stood there crying for a good matter of minutes until it finally kicked in. We were staying. I could stay. David. I was flooded with joy and one last time I hugged my dad.
So that is what happened. That is how I changed. I was influenced by the unconditional love that I shared with David. We knew it wouldn’t be easy to be together but we knew that as long as we had each other, we would be safe. I owe him my everything for all that he’s done for me. I owe him for the hope that his spirit instilled in mine. I owe him my trust. And I owe him the future.