Sunbeam

[zoolane]

This beginning of story, rough version also different tone to what I used writing.

'Sunbeam'


A rush of air came from my lips. The grit beneath my hand is wet. Why? What happened and where am I?

Last thing I remember is being in my little sunbeam. I went to doing rowing to clear my head but sky was clear with calm sea. I trying to rise to feet and gathering my thoughts together. My eyes began to wonder at the new world that I appear to in. Silence is only sound I can heard. The grit is between the lifeless sand beyond waves as they pour on the shore, above that there is fine like butter colour sand and the emerald greenery is hang of the branches and bushes. I momentary lose my balance so I reach out to a branch, where I slow ease myself to feet. Oh I have only one canvas plimsoll on. Well suppose I should happy that and I am still wearing clothes at I put on this morning.

Now what do I with myself? With bits of white wood from my loving “Sunbeam” float against my toes. I decide best thing is to go for walking and trying form plan until someone come. I have a quick glance at the sky to see if there any sign of anything but nothing, not even bird or single cloud. As sand swallows my feet, Snap came from nowhere as I jump out of skin but it’s a twig that scratch my thigh. A slow but restless noise is in the trees, the wind has pick up. The oak sun is faded behind hill which just I have seen, as I am making my way suddenly it dawn on me, where I am to sleep, does it get cold at night? And my stomach starting to rumble.

The land is flatten out but to what? The rich pasture is velvety to touch, I can see cement like colour rocks about ten feet away but something look strange. I am not sure if I should go. As I get closer to the enormous stones, I can see opening. Hmm I think to myself as appear inside and hmm echo back.

Oh well first sign madness is talking to yourself, I must be going madness then a least I am not getting weird looking from people like I do went I go shopping. Chuckle away to myself.

Something catch my line of sight, a circle of stones. Without realize my hand had got there before my brain did. Its charcoal. So I am only person here?

What that phrase? oh this one “someone just walking over your grave”. That feeling I just got.

Just remember at I always, well most of time I have back packed with some stuff in. It quite dark but I think know way. Yes I made it but where my bag, it must be here somewhere. I march up and down, under the bushes. I found it under a bush with dark ruby berries. There going my stomach.

As I walk more like run to cave. With damp bag which weight ton. My foot is stuck, but I took same path. I think I did? Trees are get taller. I am sinking it quick sand. I throwing bag against mustard sand, I grab the near branch to me and pull myself out. The strength had being drained from me. The eyelids are closing but I pinch myself to stay wake. It air is cooler. I am telling myself to stand as I trying my foot go to one side. Not other twist ankle, great more scar tissues. The gigantic cave is it the distance. So with a limp and dead weight on back I go. Final I get to the place, I need to be.

Where a sort of rock in a shape of chair, no there can not be. Just to my left in entrance to my new home. There stock pile of fire wood. But I am alone. I have never had built fire. From twenty year memory in cold winter in field. I manage to sort of make a fire. Oh crap matches. I stretching tired arm for the moist strap to open and fumble in dark. In the seal container with some like first aid plus matches hooray.

[Volya]

I like it :)

But a few bits I didn't quite get:
I'm not quite sure what 'oak sun' means.
I assume you meant to write my stomach rumbled rather than crumbled.
The bit where you talk about how people think you're weird when you go shopping, It didn't seem to flow as well with the rest of the story.

And I didn't really get the final paragraph.

[zoolane]

I like it :)

But a few bits I didn't quite get:
I'm not quite sure what 'oak sun' means.
I assume you meant to write my stomach rumbled rather than crumbled.
The bit where you talk about how people think you're weird when you go shopping, It didn't seem to flow as well with the rest of the story.

And I didn't really get the final paragraph.

Thank you for your feedback, oak is suppose to describe colour to compare to the colour sun different time. thanks of point spelling.
The bit where I talking about going shopping is show the character trying to be rational about situation she in.

The final bit is not finish yet, I am trying to get ideas for it. Also to point I can alter it to be different version.

Normal I tend to write more about human behaviour and the different way people show it.

[hillwalker]

By 'different tone' I'm assuming not so dark. With this title how could it be any different?

I'm picturing a castaway. Not sure how far one would be able to 'row' at sea. Perhaps sailing would allow you to travel further - far enough to discover a 'new world'.

Also I'm not sure about the third paragraph. As soon as you decide to go walking the story becomes a little flat. You tell us a bit about the weather and about the thoughts going through your mind but it seemed more like the way someone might behave on a pleasant walk in the countryside than somebody who has just been shipwrecked on a strange island. There's no sense of any tension building up. Perhaps you should put yourself in your characters shoes (or in this case - shoe) and really imagine how you would behave in that situation. Take yourself outside your comfort zone - forget about your normal day to day life - and concentrate on being this Robinson Crusoe character. In other words, forget about being the kind of person who worries about the looks she gets when she goes shopping. That image doesn't fit so well inside this particular set-up.

I got interested when you found the stone circle and the charcoal - but I got confused when you found your bag. It seemed as if you somehow found your way back home (the cave?) and your bag was in the bushes where you had left it. Again, are we talking a Burberry handbag or a rucksack or a bin bag? It's important we can picture your character's movements here.

Also, phrases like 'weigh a ton' are clichés - and what's worse this one is inaccurate. Your bag obviously doesn't weigh a ton. Try to find more original ways of expressing yourself so you make your own mark on the story.

As for the ending - well, it is a work in progress so you have a chance to change things. I just thought it made no sense - a stock of firewood, a first aid kit and a supply of matches magically appearing from nowhere. Suddenly there's no conflict left in the story so we can all relax. But I don't want to relax. I want you to keep me on the edge of my seat.

Part of the fun of writing is to come up with interesting plots. I actually like it when I place my characters in impossible situations then get to watch them figure out a solution. You don't give your character a chance to do any of that. It's a bit like someone writing a harrowing horror story where the character is about to plunge to their death then the final sentence - "But then I woke up and it was all a bad dream." It's a bit of a cop out isn't it?

H

[zoolane]

By 'different tone' I'm assuming not so dark. With this title how could it be any different?

I'm picturing a castaway. Not sure how far one would be able to 'row' at sea. Perhaps sailing would allow you to travel further - far enough to discover a 'new world'.

Also I'm not sure about the third paragraph. As soon as you decide to go walking the story becomes a little flat. You tell us a bit about the weather and about the thoughts going through your mind but it seemed more like the way someone might behave on a pleasant walk in the countryside than somebody who has just been shipwrecked on a strange island. There's no sense of any tension building up. Perhaps you should put yourself in your characters shoes (or in this case - shoe) and really imagine how you would behave in that situation. Take yourself outside your comfort zone - forget about your normal day to day life - and concentrate on being this Robinson Crusoe character. In other words, forget about being the kind of person who worries about the looks she gets when she goes shopping. That image doesn't fit so well inside this particular set-up.

I got interested when you found the stone circle and the charcoal - but I got confused when you found your bag. It seemed as if you somehow found your way back home (the cave?) and your bag was in the bushes where you had left it. Again, are we talking a Burberry handbag or a rucksack or a bin bag? It's important we can picture your character's movements here.

Also, phrases like 'weigh a ton' are clichés - and what's worse this one is inaccurate. Your bag obviously doesn't weigh a ton. Try to find more original ways of expressing yourself so you make your own mark on the story.

As for the ending - well, it is a work in progress so you have a chance to change things. I just thought it made no sense - a stock of firewood, a first aid kit and a supply of matches magically appearing from nowhere. Suddenly there's no conflict left in the story so we can all relax. But I don't want to relax. I want you to keep me on the edge of my seat.

Part of the fun of writing is to come up with interesting plots. I actually like it when I place my characters in impossible situations then get to watch them figure out a solution. You don't give your character a chance to do any of that. It's a bit like someone writing a harrowing horror story where the character is about to plunge to their death then the final sentence - "But then I woke up and it was all a bad dream." It's a bit of a cop out isn't it?

H

That is exalted what I need, I knew that it was not right because got boring of writing it. like today have not look at it. Normal I would be eager to get back to it.