If you ventured a step towards me,

[Bar22do]

You stood arched, seeking balance,
by green supermarket bins,
veined hands caught, as if, in quicksand.

I thought of a tree, heavily bent,
needles scattered over rock,
roots at the mercy of uncommitted soil;

of an eyeless street lamp forcing its leg
into the concrete, and around it -
meanders of dried pee and scattered glass;

of August's second full moon in a blue halo:
its shades, I mused, like your features:
worn out, fading.

I wished a mighty draft would come and -
in a whirl - seam shut the sight.



(Jerusalem, end of August 2012)

[hallaig]

Atmospheric and good description. Don't know about 'hand veins'. Like 'at the mercy of uncommitted soil'. You're likening him to a tree, and a full moon- fair enough- but are you also likening him to the one eyed street lamp? cos that's what it reads like. I feel the last three lines don't seal the poem- they seem a bit of a feeble dismount as my daughter's pony instructor said the other day. I know you should be left with lots of questions after a good poem but there's maybe too much unsaid at the end.

[Lykren]

I agree that more specificity wouldn't hurt. I liked a few of the lines very much: of an eyeless street lamp forcing its leg, for example, and the last one. Overall, I felt the visual detail got in the way of the subject's emotional potential, if I am interpreting correctly.

[Jeos]

Atmospheric and good description. Don't know about 'hand veins'. Like 'at the mercy of uncommitted soil'. You're likening him to a tree, and a full moon- fair enough- but are you also likening him to the one eyed street lamp? cos that's what it reads like. I feel the last three lines don't seal the poem- they seem a bit of a feeble dismount as my daughter's pony instructor said the other day. I know you should be left with lots of questions after a good poem but there's maybe too much unsaid at the end.

You anticipate my own thoughts on the poem (the bold letters)...but as you also say it remains a good one...one more hein Bar22!

[DocHeart]

This is delightful, Bar. I love how you play around with word order to dictate rhythm.

Regards,
DH

[Haunted]

Breathtaking metaphors, the way you captured the pain of witnessing it, as though it's happening right before you, and ecelarating. I just went through it recently myself... hugs to you Bar.

[Bar22do]

Thanks Hallaig for your constructive remarks. You may notice I revised some lines in accordance. Hopefully for the better.
Lykren glad for your opinion. I will give a thought to what bothered you in this poem, though I hoped the visual more expressed than stood in the way of emotion. I must revise my hope!;)
Jeos thanks for pointing, together with Hallaig that the ending isn't really 'that'. A matter for reflection.
Doc I'm so glad you caught the rhythm here (intended).
Haunted, sorry for you, hugs back, you are a master of 'deciphering' meanings!

I will re-read and comment yours tomorrow... too tired this (late) night.

[Hawkman]

This is an outstanding poem, Bar but in the penultimate line you nead a caesura between "I wished" and "a mighty draft..." or the grammar is disrupted. You could say "I wished, and a mighty draft came..." (but even here a comma is required) or the wish has to become a conditional invocation, as in "I wished a mighty draft would come..." but this isn't what you are saying.

You say "I wished" and leave the thought incomplete. There is nothing wrong with this as you subsequently tell us what happened, but there is an assumption that N wished for the mighty draft which came. However, this is not necessarily what N wished for. Perhaps the best punctuation after "I wished" would be an ellipsis: it allows the reader to appreciate the subtlety and you don't have to change any wording, though you'd have to make "A mighty draft..." a new sentence.

Again, a truly outstanding poem.

Live and be well - H

[Jerrybaldy]

Awash with wonderful metaphors and yet somehow the green supermarket bins stick in my mind.

'Veined hands' works better :)

Very enjoyable read, Bar.

[Haunted]

Haunted, sorry for you, hugs back, you are a master of 'deciphering' meanings!

I will re-read and comment yours tomorrow... too tired this (late) night.



Bar, I was a bit dopey myself when I commented yesterday, so here's what I had in my head, I'll elaborate. There is no mistaking what your message is, the sense of excruciation in all your metaphors as well as choice of words is so lucid. I particularly like the "eyeless street lamp" — the absence of light, as symbolic of life going out and the darkness, and also the physical form of the post struggling to get a firm footing in the concrete, in an area that's all run down, environmentally and emotionally. All this is so good, so superbly done. The last stanza speaks of how unbearable the sight and the need to block it out, a self preservation instinct that resonates with me.

This is such an affecting piece of work, I have read it over and over and moved by it every time.

[kittypaws]

You stood arched, seeking balance,
by green supermarket bins,
veined hands caught, as if, in quicksand.

I thought of a tree, heavily bent,
needles scattered over rock,
roots at the mercy of uncommitted soil;

of an eyeless street lamp forcing its leg
into the concrete, and around it -
meanders of dried pee and scattered glass;

of August's second full moon in a blue halo:
its shades, I mused, like your features:
worn out, fading.

I wished a mighty draft would come and -
in a whirl - seam shut the sight.



(Jerusalem, end of August 2012)


Bar....I hope your love is OK!

"Words flow like water over the jagged rocks to expressive the reality of life."
amandac

Kittypaws

[Bar22do]

Thank you Hawk (of your offered suggestions, I adopted the closest to what I meant), Jerry (green supermarket bins where a strong element of the sight that inspired this poem), Haunted (again!) and Kitty ('jagged rocks', indeed...). I am happy you found something good in this effort. Always grateful.

[Jack of Hearts]

... of an eyeless street lamp forcing its leg
into the concrete, and around it -
meanders of dried pee and scattered glass;

of August's second full moon in a blue halo:
its shades, I mused, like your features:
worn out, fading.

J'aime bp!











J

[Bar22do]

J'aime bp!











J

thank you Jack for reading this!
ici, c'est le Nouvel An - bonne année!