The Brightest Flowers

[E.A Rumfield]

The brightest flowers
freeze first, when
winters cold air descends
upon the land
and the people too,
sometimes,
too lovely,
freeze
and wither
and are no longer
beautiful

[Buh4Bee]

Happens to the best of us! I say keep it up.

[Jack of Hearts]

There are certain pieces of this poem, in place, that offer insight into the possibility of a much better poem lurking underneath.


The brightest flowers
freeze first, when

Not sure if this is empirically true. But who cares, we have something to work with.


winters cold air descends
upon the land

The first line is important for what you seem to be saying in this poem. But is the second line really necessary?


and the people too,
sometimes,
too lovely,
freeze


This reader feels like you could get away without this entire section. There's something intuitive going on here- it tells the reader that this poem is speaking of something other than flowers. You don't need to be blatant.


and wither
and are no longer
beautiful

'are no longer beautiful' serves two purposes. First, it seems to be a nice end of the poem. Secondly, it amplifies the effect of 'wither,' noting especially the lack of beauty. This reader thinks your poem is essentially this:

The brightest flowers
freeze first, when
winters cold air descends

and they wither
and are no longer
beautiful








J


EDIT: Not to say that the essence is the finished product; rather, it's just what was already there, hiding under verbosity. Perhaps a starting point for a revision or an edit.

[Mutatis-Mutandis]

You forgot the apostrophe in "winters."

[E.A Rumfield]

It seems gutted. Do you feel that version is good or just better?

[Mutatis-Mutandis]

Jack's version is better. It's conciseness makes it more impactful.

[angliholic]

The brightest flowers
freeze first, when
winters cold air descends
upon the land
and the people too,
sometimes,
too lovely,
freeze
and wither
and are no longer
beautiful
So beautifully true!
Great ink, Rumfield.

[Jack of Hearts]

It certainly was 'gutted.' Editing it made it less complete but more readable (in this reader's opinion). But the real point of it was to let you take a peek through this reader's eyes (maybe the only valuable thing we can do for each other). And this reader saw those lines surrounded in a sea of filler, akin to someone saying 'ummmmm' a lot while speaking.








J

[hillwalker]

There's an even greater poem hidden away in this one and I would go one step further than Jack:

The brightest flowers
freeze first, when
winter's cold descends
upon the land

The metrical flow is smoother - and makes the alliteration (those F's) more effective. There's also a natural break here before the focus changes to 'the people'.

I'd suggest you look more closely at this second half as there's no need to spell out the message quite so blatantly. It has potential.

H

[Xillus_Xavier]

The edited version is much better. I would only suggest making a small change:

The brightest flowers
freeze first, when
winters cold air descends,

withering
and no longer
beautiful


I think you also need to change the title. Something that will tie together the idea that it also refers to people.