Another poem by volya

[Volya]

(I couldn't think of a title) This one was based on personal emotions.

Sh*t she’s here again
But I got nothing to say
And she don’t want to hear

Why can’t I tell her
Just how I feel
It terrifies me

My tongue ties up
My lips are sealed
I can’t do anything

When will the day come
That I realize
It’s not all about her
I just gotta be me

[hillwalker]

Great opening line.

Some of this is again 'telling':
'It terrifies me'
when you do a better job 'showing' the same emotion
'My tongue ties up
My lips are sealed.'

Can you see why you don't need both? and why the 'showing' bit is more effective?
For example, you say it terrifies you, but your interpretation of 'terrifying' might be totally different to mine or any other reader's. But we all know how it feels to be tongue-tied.

Simple but not too shabby an effort.

H

[Volya]

Thanks :D

EDIT: Also, I think that showing is definitely a lot more important in poetry than in creative writing :)

[DocHeart]

(I couldn't think of a title) This one was based on personal emotions.

Sh*t she’s here again
But I got nothing to say
And she don’t want to hear

Why can’t I tell her
Just how I feel
It terrifies me

My tongue ties up
My lips are sealed
I can’t do anything

When will the day come
That I realize
It’s not all about her
I just gotta be me



Good poem. I fully agree with Hill's critique. I'd like to add that you do a very good job with pace here. No punctuation, and well-broken lines.

Oh, and by the way, slip out the back, Jack, no need to be coy, Roy. Just walk.

[Volya]

What?

[DocHeart]

Paul Simon.

Never mind.

[zoolane]

Oh, and by the way, slip out the back, Jack, no need to be coy, Roy. Just walk.

Lol Funny I get it.

[Volya]

(one google later)
Oh I get it now. (I listen to simon + garfunkel occasionally :) )
But isn't that song about breaking up with a girl...
My one was meant to be about the opposite xD

[DocHeart]

(one google later)
Oh I get it now. (I listen to simon + garfunkel occasionally :) )
But isn't that song about breaking up with a girl...
My one was meant to be about the opposite xD

Well, my friend, that just shows how old I'm getting. I must have misunderstood.

(But take this from an old-timer: she terrifies you once, she'll terrify you again.)

:)

[Volya]

(I hope not xD)

But I can see how it's not very clear, it could be either one.

[zoolane]

(I couldn't think of a title) This one was based on personal emotions.

Sh*t she’s here again
But I got nothing to say
And she don’t want to hear

Why can’t I tell her
Just how I feel
It terrifies me

My tongue ties up
My lips are sealed
I can’t do anything

When will the day come
That I realize
It’s not all about her
I just gotta be me

It crush on a girl he like or girl is a bully.

[Volya]

It crush on a girl he like or girl is a bully.

A crush on a girl he likes.