Crow

[Volya]

EDIT: Revised version of the first part posted further on.

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A volley of gunshots rang out and peppered the ground by her feet full of holes, as the girl ran across the stony courtyard, a gun cradled protectively against her chest. She suddenly felt a sharp burning pain in her leg, and screamed out as the bullet tore through muscle and bone, leaving a ragged exit wound gaping from her flesh. She fell to the ground, screaming and crying as the man slowly walked towards her. ‘Please, please God please, don’t kill me, please’ the girl whimpered as a crimson fountain of blood flowed out of her leg, mixing underneath her with the urine from when she had lost control of her bowels. As the man drew closer, she looked around her for the gun she had dropped. It had gone scattering across the courtyard, ending up a few metres away. She began crawling backwards, tears running down her face as her injured leg dragged across the floor. Grasping it with her blood-smeared hands, she raised the gun towards the man and pulled the trigger. The recoil jolted her shoulders as a short burst of bullets flew out the barrel, hitting the man square on the chest and knocking him to the floor. The gun fell out of his hand and clattered to the ground beneath him.

The girl gave a sob of relief, and collapsed onto her back. She could make out the pale blue sky above her, as her vision began to blur. Her fingers fumbled in her pockets, grasping keys, wallet, until eventually she closed them round her phone. She slid it out and slowly keyed in the numbers 911. The phone began to ring, and eventually she heard a man’s voice begin to speak. ‘Hello? Please, please god help me, please I’m dying, please, hel-' but then she cut off, when she heard what the man was saying.

‘Don’t fly away little bird
Don’t worry any more
Mister Crow is here to play
He’s knocking at the door’

She heard a noise come from where the man had fallen. A limp, shuffling noise, slowly but surely making its way towards her. She gave one short whimper as the face of the smiling man came into view, and the hands reached towards her throat

-EXCERPT FROM POLICE REPORT REGARDING ABIGAIL SMITH-

Abigail Smith, 15, went missing two weeks ago (8 August, 2006). She is thought to be dead. She was last seen by her friends, when she left them at 09:00, London Bridge Station. CCTV footage shows her getting off the train, closely followed by a man, whos face is not seen. She is never seen again. At 13:47, a man walking his dog phones in to report strange noises coming from a building on Oakland Avenue. Two officers were dispatched to investigate, but only 5 hours after the original call, by which point they had received three more calls regarding the building. When the two officers failed to respond after receiving numerous messages via radio, an armed unit was sent in. The team returned after 43 minutes, carrying one of their men (PC Davis). They reported finding a trail of blood leading into the middle of a courtyard, where it stopped abruptly. There were no other signs of a struggle, and the room was emtpy apart from a discarded fully-automatic weapon, and a black feather. Forensic analysis on the items showed that the blood was Abigail Smiths, and that she had fired off approximately 10 rounds before stopping. The two men originally sent in were found in the cellar by PC Davis, where it appeared they had hung themselves. When PC Davis approached the men to try and untie them, he experienced a sudden wave of dizziness and fainted. He was found by the rest of the team, where they brought him up again and attempted to revive him. PC Davis is currently in a hospital in a comatose state. When the remaining 3 officers descended to investigate the bodies, they found they had vanished.

There is currently a team of 12 officers, including Detective Bradbury, investigating further into the matter. Since the day of the incident, there have been no further sightings of Abigail Smith, the two bodies, or the persons responsible for the crime. Initial evidence suggested that Smith had somehow killed the two men, but this was later discounted

[zoolane]

I really hope this work in progress, as first impression go, is short story or flash fiction? because does not come across as either.

First sentence does not sound right for piece itself.
Also you need show the story, rather then tell.


First sentence.
As the trigger was pull, she could heard a whisper in air then suddenly the she felt bit grit crash at her feet.

Why as she got gun? also why has she not use it?

[Volya]

I really hope this work in progress, as first impression go, is short story or flash fiction? because does not come across as either.

First sentence does not sound right for piece itself.
Also you need show the story, rather then tell.


First sentence.
As the trigger was pull, she could heard a whisper in air then suddenly the she felt bit grit crash at her feet.

Why as she got gun? also why has she not use it?

Thank you for the feedback :)

What is flash fiction? It is sorta a work in progress, I was gonna see if people liked the idea, then think about writing some more.

She doesn't use the gun because she is panicking too much. Y'know when you get adrenaline pumping, its the flight or fight reaction? She has chosen flight.

What exactly about the first sentence does not sound right? (I don't really buy too much into the whole 'show don't tell thing', our teachers say that all the time, but I never followed their advice and always got straight A*s... xD )

[zoolane]

Thank you for the feedback :)

What is flash fiction? It is sorta a work in progress, I was gonna see if people liked the idea, then think about writing some more.

She doesn't use the gun because she is panicking too much. Y'know when you get adrenaline pumping, its the flight or fight reaction? She has chosen flight.

What exactly about the first sentence does not sound right? (I don't really buy too much into the whole 'show don't tell thing', our teachers say that all the time, but I never followed their advice and always got straight A*s... xD )

As story teller, you try create piece that people can picture in their head, what happened like film but you reading words and have images in own cinema.

As for As straight well done. 'Volley' is wrong word but also sentence itself it sound wrong, i can said how but it is.

[Volya]

As story teller, you try create piece that people can picture in their head, what happened like film but you reading words and have images in own cinema.


I don't understand... :S

[zoolane]

I don't understand... :S

Do not listen to song, poem or someone reading something and close your eyes. put pictures or images to them?

[Volya]

Do not listen to song, poem or someone reading something and close your eyes. put pictures or images to them?

When I read poetry or listen to songs with good lyrics, I can put imagery and pictures to them. The same with some literature.

But for a lot of songs and books, I don't really picture anything in my mind, I just either like the sound itself, or the story.

[zoolane]

I do to everything poetry, stories also songs. That how I picture myself in story from the view as outsider looking in. I do same if I am writing flash fiction or stories. The idea for me is put myself in the character or characters shoes.

[Volya]

I rarely put myself in the characters shoes, because my characters are usually vastly different to me.

[zoolane]

I rarely put myself in the characters shoes, because my characters are usually vastly different to me.

Maybe you should try? you might surprise yourself.

[Volya]

But then all my characters will end up like me...
And that would be no fun.

[zoolane]

But then all my characters will end up like me...
And that would be no fun.

Well bit of you and friends, family?

[Volya]

As story teller, you try create piece that people can picture in their head, what happened like film but you reading words and have images in own cinema.

As for As straight well done. 'Volley' is wrong word but also sentence itself it sound wrong, i can said how but it is.

Oh something I just noticed. 'Volley' is completely ok to use in this context, I'm not sure why you would think it's the wrong word.

[zoolane]

Flash fiction is half page or 1-3 paragraphs that tell story. Beginning, middle and end.

[Delta40]

Consider this sentence:

She bean crawling backwards, tears running down her face as her injured leg dragged across the floor. Grasping it with her blood-smeared hands, she raised the gun towards the man and pulled the trigger.

She bean?

This sentence actually reads:

The tears run down her face as if they had legs of their own while her injured leg, apparently of its own volition drags itself across the floor. She grabs her injured leg with blood smeared hands, but then raises a gun rather than points one at the perp and pulls the trigger.

The reader might get what you're trying to say but there is obviously a simpler way to put it which is what you're aiming for as a writer. You don't need to tie yourself into knots until (and I smiled here) there is a lone bloody leg crawling across the floor in the narration...

In the meantime Volya, soldier on and keep posting...

[Volya]

Hmmm, I see what you mean.... xD
zoolane: IMO, stories don't NEED a set beginning, middle and end, etc. Especially this one. If it had a beginning, middle and end, it would lose some of the horror/scare-factor that I'm trying to put into it.

[hillwalker]

For now I'm going to concentrate on your opening paragraph.

Your opening sentence is dramatic and catches our attention, but it needs some editing.
Having the 'the volley of gunshots' ring out is fine because you're describing the sounds - but how can they also pepper the ground? Surely it's the bullets themselves that peppered the ground not the gunshots. Also, do we need 'full of holes'? You're adding unnecessary detail because the word 'peppered' provides enough information for the reader to fill in any blanks. It's also a long sentence for an opening sentence. When you begin with an opening scene it's better to have the reader focus on one particular point before expanding the view. The gunshots are enough - adding a girl, a stony courtyard and a different gun is a little too much to take in right at the beginning.

Next sentence - 'suddenly' is one of those words that has been overused until it is almost meaningless. Let the words do their job for you:
'a sharp burning pain' implies suddenness as does her scream.
Personally I would leave out the rest. We can already guess how the injury was caused without having it spelt out for us - and bullets by their very nature tear through muscle and bone. The ragged exit wound is a little over the top (and 'gaping from her flesh' adds nothing to what you have already told us). Don't be tempted to over-describe a scene just to build up the word count. Brief, concise writing is always more effective.

It's also worth noting that this opening paragraph is way too long. Breaking up the narrative into bite-sized pieces will give it a better pace and suggest action even when there isn't anything happening.

Now to the rest of it:

She fell to the ground, screaming and crying
Does she need to do both? especially as she has already screamed in the previous paragraph
as the man slowly walked towards her.
Since you don't mention 'the man' until this point in the story his dramatic appearance is actually totally lacking in drama. You need to introduce the threat somehow so the reader is conditioned to expect the surprise.
‘Please, please God please, don’t kill me, please’ the girl whimpered as a crimson fountain of blood flowed out of her leg,
Fountains tend to gush rather than flow - difficult to picture how much blood she's losing here - and is the girl seeing this with her own eyes or is this the author now adding some detail?
mixing underneath her with the urine from when she had lost control of her bowels
Bowels or bladder? There's a difference. This is a rather convoluted way of describing a simple scene.
As the man drew closer, she looked around her for the gun she had dropped.
You also need to tell us that she dropped her gun much earlier in the story - it's as if you suddenly remembered she needs to have dropped it for the next plot development to work.
It had gone scattering across the courtyard,
things like seeds or sand or ashes scatter - a single item like a gun can't scatter - perhaps you meant 'skitter'
ending up a few metres away. She began crawling backwards, tears running down her face as her injured leg dragged across the floor. Grasping it with her blood-smeared hands,
Grasping what? Her leg? That's how it reads to me
she raised the gun towards the man and pulled the trigger.
and while this was happening the man stood there waiting to be shot??
The recoil jolted her shoulders as a short burst of bullets flew out the barrel, hitting the man square on the chest and knocking him to the floor. The gun fell out of his hand and clattered to the ground beneath him.
This final bit adds nothing - it's better to give the reader some credit and allow them to imagine what happened.

You also have so many sentences structured in an almost identical way - she screams and cries as the man appears - whimpers as the blood flows out of her leg - searches for her gun as the man draws closer - tears run down her face as her leg drags - the recoil jolts her as the bullets fly. Sentence variation is important. What you have here is almost like a bullet list of causes and effects.

You mention that showing versus telling has been brought to your attention before now but don't much see why it matters when you are telling a story. For the record, this opening paragraph is 100% telling. So is that a bad thing?
Well, in any kind of action story there has to be a great deal of telling - it's how the writer builds the plot and keeps the reader informed. An action piece filled with nothing but descriptions would be hard-going. But when it comes to describing something from the viewpoint of your main character it's often more effective if you show us what they're experiencing rather than just describing events from afar. This way we can engage with the character so we actually care about what happens to them next.

You can bring this particular section to life by a little showing:

A volley of gunshots rang out, peppering the ground by her feet. Then one bullet found its mark and sent her crashing to the cobbles. She screamed without thinking. Vision already dulling as the first hot blade of agony sliced through her body. Tight bands encircling her chest with each laboured breath. Sounds echoing somewhere close by as the gunfire ended. Her gun had fallen from her grasp. She heard it skittering across the courtyard. Now silence. Would he reveal himself?

She rolled onto her side and bit back another scream. Hands searching for her weapon. The left leg of her trousers was sticky. Wetness spreading. She could smell urine but sensed there was blood down there as well. Then a shadow fell across her and the pain became almost a spur to fight back.

‘Please, please God please, don’t kill me, please’ she whimpered.

She began crawling backwards, her injured leg trailing behind her like an anchor. Its weight pulling her deeper into darkness. Hands scraped raw against the jagged stones. Enough pain to fill her head with red rage and the stubborn will to survive. Her scrabbling fingers found the grip of the pistol and rolling to her right-hand side she raised the gun towards the man and pulled the trigger.

Far from brilliant, and I've not changed much plot-wise (only used 3 words less than the original) but the story is more tightly contained within the girl's viewpoint. The reader sees everything through her eyes so we begin to care about her. Also we experience her feelings as they come to her rather than have everything reported second-hand.
And most of the sentences are short - and there's some variation in their structure.

You also say you can't place yourself in a different character's shoes... well, that's what writing fiction is all about I'm afraid. Let your subconscious quide your fingers on the keyboard. If you can't do something as fundamental as that, everything you write is going to end up sounding the same because you're always writing stuff from your own limited viewpoint. Besides, living all these imaginary lives is what makes writing (and reading) fiction so much fun.

As for the rest of the story... the plot is interesting (if a little over-complicated with the addition of the two hanged police officers) and I liked the way you used to police report to provide background information.

You seem to be enjoying what you're doing so keep at it.

H

[Volya]

Thanks for the feedback hillwaker, it was VERY useful :)
I don't have time to edit it right now (going out in a second) but when I get back I'll make some changes and see how you guys like it.

Also, when I say I don't put myself in my characters shoes, I mean that I don't make my characters act how I would. Is that what you guys mean?

[zoolane]

Thanks for the feedback hillwaker, it was VERY useful :)
I don't have time to edit it right now (going out in a second) but when I get back I'll make some changes and see how you guys like it.

Also, when I say I don't put myself in my characters shoes, I mean that I don't make my characters act how I would. Is that what you guys mean?

No is not what we mean.

For example your main character is the girl missing so you trying become the young girl and also you trying experience the emotion of girl.

Police woman again you become police woman,who run for life, what emotions or feelings at time.

[zoolane]

No is not what we mean.

For example your main character is the girl missing so you trying become the young girl and also you trying experience the emotion of girl.

Police woman again you become police woman,who run for life, what emotions or feelings at time.

If you need more help with it? let me know I will dig some examples from own writing for you.

[hillwalker]

When I say I don't put myself in my characters shoes, I mean that I don't make my characters act how I would. Is that what you guys mean?

Quite the opposite - putting yourself in your characters' shoes means you get to pretend you are them for a change: a fugitive on the run, a sex-starved nun, a vampire with a hangover, a sociopathic teacher... anything goes. Let them tell you their story - all you have to do is take notes.

H

[Volya]

Ohhhhh right. Yeah I do try to do that xD
Considering the girl being attacked is a teenage girl, my thoughts were that she would be very scared, and not thinking straight (hence running rather than using the gun to begin with, etc).

[zoolane]

Sorry if I did not explain myself property, I have trouble with that.

[Volya]

Nah it was my fault this time xD

[Volya]

-REVISED VERSION-

A volley of gunshots rang out, a hail of bullets peppering the ground by the girl's feet while she ran across the stony courtyard, a gun cradled protectively against her chest. She felt a sharp burning pain in her leg, and screamed out when a bullet tore through muscle and bone, leaving a ragged exit wound gaping from her flesh. She fell to the ground, sending the gun skittering across the cold slabs, and crying as the man slowly walked towards her. ‘Please, please God please, don’t kill me, please’ the girl whimpered as a crimson fountain of blood gushed out of her leg, mixing underneath her with urine. The man drew closer. She began crawling backwards towards where she had dropped the gun, tears streaking down her face as she dragged herself across the floor. Grasping the gun with her blood-smeared hands, she raised it towards the man and pulled the trigger. The recoil jolted her shoulders as a short burst of bullets flew out the barrel and hit the man.

The girl gave a sob of relief, and collapsed onto her back. She could make out the pale blue sky above her, as her vision began to blur. Her fingers fumbled in her pockets, grasping keys, wallet, until eventually she closed them round her phone. She slid it out and slowly keyed in the numbers 911. The phone began to ring, and eventually she heard a man’s voice begin to speak. ‘Hello? Please, please god help me, please I’m dying, please, hel-’ but then she cut off, when she heard what the man was saying.

‘Don’t fly away little bird

Don’t worry any more

Mister Crow is here to play

He’s knocking at the door’



She heard a noise come from where the man had fallen. A limp, shuffling noise, slowly but surely making its way towards her. She gave one short whimper as the face of the smiling man came into view, and the hands reached towards her throat.

[zoolane]

-REVISED VERSION-

A volley of gunshots rang out, a hail of bullets peppering the ground by the girl's feet while she ran across the stony courtyard, a gun cradled protectively against her chest. She felt a sharp burning pain in her leg, and screamed out when a bullet tore through muscle and bone, leaving a ragged exit wound gaping from her flesh. She fell to the ground, sending the gun skittering across the cold slabs, and crying as the man slowly walked towards her. ‘Please, please God please, don’t kill me, please’ the girl whimpered as a crimson fountain of blood gushed out of her leg, mixing underneath her with urine. The man drew closer. She began crawling backwards towards where she had dropped the gun, tears streaking down her face as she dragged herself across the floor. Grasping the gun with her blood-smeared hands, she raised it towards the man and pulled the trigger. The recoil jolted her shoulders as a short burst of bullets flew out the barrel and hit the man.

The girl gave a sob of relief, and collapsed onto her back. She could make out the pale blue sky above her, as her vision began to blur. Her fingers fumbled in her pockets, grasping keys, wallet, until eventually she closed them round her phone. She slid it out and slowly keyed in the numbers 911. The phone began to ring, and eventually she heard a man’s voice begin to speak. ‘Hello? Please, please god help me, please I’m dying, please, hel-’ but then she cut off, when she heard what the man was saying.

‘Don’t fly away little bird

Don’t worry any more

Mister Crow is here to play

He’s knocking at the door’



She heard a noise come from where the man had fallen. A limp, shuffling noise, slowly but surely making its way towards her. She gave one short whimper as the face of the smiling man came into view, and the hands reached towards her throat.

It much better.

[Volya]

Thanks :)