That Night

[E.A Rumfield]

We'll never be as young as we were that night,
sitting in my backyard in the cool September air
the stars like frozen in the sky.
We'll never again feel the same as that night,
talking about all those things and the future and our dreams.
Reality will conform us with society
and reconcile everything that allowed us to live that night.
You will change,
our friends will change
and we will likely grow apart.
I will change too,
as much as I resist
or die young
it's the same thing really.
We all die young.

[Jack of Hearts]

Edit: Decided to soften this feedback up slightly.


We'll never be as young as we were that night,
sitting in my backyard in the cool September air
the stars like frozen in the sky.

Line one doesn't say anything. Line two reads like clumsy prose. Line three is syntactically nonsensical.


We'll never again feel the same as that night,
talking about all those things and the future and our dreams.
Reality will conform us with society
and reconcile everything that allowed us to live that night.

Line six is a stinker. It seems like it belongs to a different poem. Line seven, in any context of the preceding lines, is nonsensical.


You will change,
our friends will change
and we will likely grow apart.
I will change too,
as much as I resist
or die young
it's the same thing really.
We all die young.

This reads like a diary entry.

There's no human in this poem. There's nothing to relate to. Pick out one piece of coherent imagery. This reader challenges you. Pick out one thing that can be described by the senses.







J

[E.A Rumfield]

I appreciate the harsh criticism. Sometimes it is needed. I wrote this when I realized I'm growing up now and those carefree childhood days are numbered and my friends are changing getting jobs and that maybe I too will change even if I was not totally conscious of that change. I understand that it may feel overly sentimental and perhaps a piece of **** but we all write poorly sometimes and I'll quote Bukowski "I agree with my critics when they say I write a lot of ****. You gotta keep the bowels loose." Thanks for reading and I'm sure you'll see better entries from me soon.

[Mutatis-Mutandis]

It's nice to see someone actually be able to take criticism around here. :nod:

[E.A Rumfield]

Edit: Decided to soften this feedback up slightly.
J

I feel like you should say what you think is right rather than let someone believe a lie.

[Jack of Hearts]

I feel like you should say what you think is right rather than let someone believe a lie.

The honesty is still in the feedback. There was just no reason to drop the hammer on your work like that, in hindsight. It had more to do with this poster's current artistic frustration than attempting to give you legitimate crit. It really was bad form- happens once in awhile.







J

[Alexander III]

It's nice to see someone actually be able to take criticism around here. :nod:

This. Kudos for the equanimity to the op.


As for the poem, the theme is a good one but as Jack said it feels more like a diary entry than a poem. It lacks art so to say, it is a thought which was not painted.

[Haunted]

The first line caught my eye. The next few lines carry it but then it falls apart as a poetic piece. I would squeeze out the mundane and keep the essence (I"m a minimalist)

We'll never be as young as we were that night,
sitting in my backyard in the cool September air
the stars like frozen in the sky.

Reality will conform us with society
we will change,
as much as we resist
or die young

In this contracted form it wouldn't say everything that you wanted to say, but then again you don't just want to spill it all out like a journal entry....

[Buh4Bee]

It's not the best poetry, but I like the stream of conscious style. I think it is very expressive of how you are feeling during a transitional phase in life. I think this is what you express so well- the pain of growing up.

[paradoxical]

I like this. It reminds me of a girlfriend I had in college and a certain experience we had one night.

We will never be that young again, nor will we ever experience things quite that intensely. Those are bittersweet memories, indeed.

I like "Reality will conform us with society". And it's true, we all die young.

[hallaig]

Like the first 3 lines. I presume you've missed a word out- the stars like frozen.....in the sky? All goes wrong when you lose the external and begin to philosophise internally. I dinnae want to be told everyone changes and grows up. Better to let us discern that through what you write. Keep at it, though, it's great fun, this writing bizz!