A Plea for Help

[miyako73]

9/7/2012


Dear Mom,

It's breezy now in Iowa. Gone is the summer. Everything has changed except my lot. Uncle Ted still rapes me. He has been raping me since you left me under his care. Why did you leave me with a monster, Mom?

I told him that I'd tell you what he did to me. He just laughed. I cried. That was when it first happened. Uncle said you left Chicago and got married to a felon. Why, Mom? What happened to your gardener friend?

I don't know how you'll get hold of this letter. Anyway, I'll tell you my ordeal. I've got nobody to tell what's going on with me. I wrote Oprah, but she did not respond. I guess my story isn't that interesting. Besides, who'll listen to a twelve year old?

By the way, I got my first period the day after you left Des Moines. It was uncle who bought me napkins. He got the idea. Everything with me has been painful ever since. Also, he has been forcing me to take pills everyday. He said it's vitamin C, but it makes my tummy hurts. I bleed once in awhile. Is it normal?

Uncle rapes me everyday, but I don't know if it's really rape. I let it happen, so he won't kill me. He once told me that he would slit my throat if I would tell anyone. I'm confused. He feeds and clothes me, so why should I complain?

I do all chores in the house, but I can't finish every task because Uncle Ted interrupts my work and forces himself into me. Like last Sunday, I tried fixing him a gumbo. After I mixed in the okra, he raped me. I burnt the dish. Who can cook while bleeding?

The other day, I did our laundry, but I could not put the detergent. Uncle raped me again. I was in bed all day massaging my belly. Mom, is it natural to feel numb?

Yesterday afternoon, I planned to clean the whole house, but I could only dust off the TV. Uncle Ted was at it again. I could not move afterwards. I slept. Is pain really this painful?

Well, Mom, I hope you'll get this letter. I have had enough. I don't know what to do. I miss you.


Warmest regar

[hillwalker]

I'm assuming she didn't get to finish the letter because Uncle raped her again.

Child abuse is a serious issue but unfortunately I couldn't take any of this seriously. There are logical loopholes right from the start - is she telling her mother this for the first time? I assumed she was, but then she says Uncle Tom 'still' rapes her which suggests nothing has changed since she last wrote.

Even the voice isn't convincing. A child of 12, stuck at home doing all the chores so presumably not spending much time on her education. Yet her letter opens with It's breezy now in Iowa. Gone is the summer. - rather lyrical don't you think?

And a kid who has been abandoned by her mother and left in the care of a vicious rapist... would she sign off with 'Warmest regards'??

H

[miyako73]

You're right, Hill. I'm still learning a ghetto vernacular. This is just to record the idea. Thanks for reading.

Miyako

[Jack of Hearts]

Sorry, Miyako, but this one is a complete disaster. What were your intentions here?







J

[miyako73]

A disaster? Not really. I could argue and argue. Maybe the kid was brilliant and loving to her mom, but innocent as far as sex or emotional maturity is concerned. She wrote Oprah, didn't she? Maybe her uncle was rich that was why her mom left her to his care. The truth is that this is just for recording the story's idea. My initial intent was to write it in ebonics and use a ghetto as its setting, but I avoided that for now due to lack of skill and my paranoia of being called a racist.

[Jack of Hearts]

A disaster? Not really. I could argue and argue.

There is no argument to be made. There's no evidence you could present, no rhetoric you could use, to convince this reader that this piece is functional, meritable, or even within the boundaries of good taste (as it stands). So as long as we have that understanding, we'll probably be able to talk about the mechanics of it if that interests you.

This is not a statement about your ability to write or any talent you possess. Instead, this is feedback on something you have written. When this reader asked you about intentions, it was mostly a question about what you wanted to communicate.

Why are you telling a story about a girl being abused by her guardian? What were you trying to draw out of this scenario? Or was it the spectacle of 'look at this grotesque sequence of events for the own sake,' not unlike the gore in a horror film?








J

[miyako73]

Haven't you read what black writers have written about incestuous child rape and abuse?

This idea came to mind after watching John Irving's "The Cider House Rules".

Had I known ebonics, this story in a letter form would have sounded realistic, innocent, but believable.

For now, this exercise is to record the idea in case I'll forget it. Thanks again.

[Mutatis-Mutandis]

Had I known ebonics, this story in a letter form would have sounded realistic, innocent, but believable.

.

That, or just really racist.

[Volya]

Why's the OP been deleted?

[miyako73]

I deleted it because I have no energy to argue my points. I'm a reformed argumentative b!tch.

[Volya]

But what is the point in deleting it...

[miyako73]

Ok I will repost it, but I won't defend my work. I'll just let it speak for itself. Someone can take it according to his whim and understanding. I won't care. As I said, this is just to record the idea, and this postmodern exercise is about making the physicality of text as part of the story. Form is also content, in this case.

[Volya]

Thank you. :D

[hillwalker]

Regardless of whether or not you're afraid of appearing racist (is that such an issue if you're drawing your main character from the real world of the ghetto?) the fundamental problem with this is the character's voice.

It comes across as a writer pretending to be a victim of child abuse and portraying her MC's predicament as an inevitability. You're trying to ellicit an emotional response from the reader but it won't happen because we don't accept this story has any base in reality. The uncle is a stereotypical villain - as believable as 'the bogey man'. There's raw material here to work with but on this showing you've missed the target by a mile.

H

[Delta40]

I wouldn't buy this as an authentic voice because very few 12 year olds would be writing home telling their mothers about how their uncle was raping them. There are too many rapes to mention yet the reader never really gets to appreciate the plight of the child.

Do you think the exploration of a single incident rather than multiple incidents - a change in the dear mom context coupled with work on the N's enviroment will alter the effect?

[Mutatis-Mutandis]

Regardless of whether or not you're afraid of appearing racist (is that such an issue if you're drawing your main character from the real world of the ghetto?) the fundamental problem with this is the character's voice.

It comes across as a writer pretending to be a victim of child abuse and portraying her MC's predicament as an inevitability. You're trying to ellicit an emotional response from the reader but it won't happen because we don't accept this story has any base in reality. The uncle is a stereotypical villain - as believable as 'the bogey man'. There's raw material here to work with but on this showing you've missed the target by a mile.

H

In fairness to miyako, I'm the only one who mentioned the possibility of racism if this was attempted to be written in the African American Vernacular. And I do think it is a possibility--if someone attempts to write in any dialect without fully understanding said dialect, it could come off as tacky, offensive, not to mention completely ineffective. It could be like some idiot trying to write how an Asian person talks by replacing all the l's with r's.

[zoolane]

9/7/2012


Dear Mom,

It's breezy now in Iowa. Gone is the summer. Everything has changed except my lot. Uncle Ted still rapes me. He has been raping me since you left me under his care. Why did you leave me with a monster, Mom?

I told him that I'd tell you what he did to me. He just laughed. I cried. That was when it first happened. Uncle said you left Chicago and got married to a felon. Why, Mom? What happened to your gardener friend?

I don't know how you'll get hold of this letter. Anyway, I'll tell you my ordeal. I've got nobody to tell what's going on with me. I wrote Oprah, but she did not respond. I guess my story isn't that interesting. Besides, who'll listen to a twelve year old?

By the way, I got my first period the day after you left Des Moines. It was uncle who bought me napkins. He got the idea. Everything with me has been painful ever since. Also, he has been forcing me to take pills everyday. He said it's vitamin C, but it makes my tummy hurts. I bleed once in awhile. Is it normal?

Uncle rapes me everyday, but I don't know if it's really rape. I let it happen, so he won't kill me. He once told me that he would slit my throat if I would tell anyone. I'm confused. He feeds and clothes me, so why should I complain?

I do all chores in the house, but I can't finish every task because Uncle Ted interrupts my work and forces himself into me. Like last Sunday, I tried fixing him a gumbo. After I mixed in the okra, he raped me. I burnt the dish. Who can cook while bleeding?

The other day, I did our laundry, but I could not put the detergent. Uncle raped me again. I was in bed all day massaging my belly. Mom, is it natural to feel numb?

Yesterday afternoon, I planned to clean the whole house, but I could only dust off the TV. Uncle Ted was at it again. I could not move afterwards. I slept. Is pain really this painful?

Well, Mom, I hope you'll get this letter. I have had enough. I don't know what to do. I miss you.


Warmest regar

It great starting but I think for no emotion, what I mean to matter of fact, if you twelve and you are being sexual abuse everyday and you writing letter as child it raw emotion. Only after years of abuse will you become empty shell.

So really Mikayo, the idea is you become the twelve child.