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View Full Version : Chapter 1 of Short Story. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated



peloqs4
09-07-2012, 11:37 AM
The sound of church bells fills the brisk fall air like an air horn sounding in the distance. The vibration could be felt inside the white church and accompanied the sound of small talk. The old wooden pews were packed like sardines. The faint sound of an organ served as the soundtrack to all the chatter while everyone waited in anticipation for the ceremony to begin.

In a room at the end of a narrow hallway of the church stood the bride, surrounded by her family and friends, paying attention to every little detail to make sure that she looks absolutely perfect. She is the center of attention, being touched up with makeup, standing still and just soaking it all in with a smile. The women become silent when hearing two gentle knocks on the door; the words “Come In” end the sudden silence. The wedding planner pokes only her head in the door, her body stands on one foot outside the door, she says with a smile “It’s time.”

At the end of the hallway stands the father of the bride. He is as calm and steadfast as a guard outside Buckingham palace. He closes his eyes for a moment, and takes a deep breath. The sound of the old door opening causes him to open his eyes and the sound of laughter fills the hallway. A smile comes over his leathery face as he watches the woman he did the very same thing with 40 years prior walk towards him, her high heels sounding like clogs tapping the hardwood floor. She stops just in front of him. She reaches out her hands, puts her thumb and pointer finger on the end of his wool bow tie and moves it up and down twice. She leans in and lays her lips slightly on his cheek, and plants a kiss; she leans back and wipes off her smudge of lipstick. “You look handsome, I love you.” He smiles, gently pulls her close to him, kisses her forehead, and whispers in her ear, “I love you too beautiful.”

The rest of the wedding party walks down the aisle; now it is just the bride and her father. He looks her in the eyes and tells her, “You look beautiful, I love you so much.” She forces back the tears, and says, “I love you Daddy”. He extends his arm out to her with a smile on his face; she smiles back and graciously moves her arm to lock with his. They both take their time for the few paces to get to the start of the aisle. At the moment, the music suddenly stops, and the audience looks to the back of the church. All in sync, and coming to their feet in unison. The organ starts to play, the bride and her father slowly make their way down the aisle, one foot in front of the other, in perfect stride, just like they practiced the night before. They both look to each side of the pews, the flashes from cameras hitting their eyes like movie stars on a red carpet. Everyone in the room whispers back and forth and she can read the word beautiful from everyone’s lips. She looks to the end of the aisle to see her future husband standing with a smile on his face. She is overcome with happiness and relief that this day has finally arrived.

The aisle comes to an end, and he knows that he must now let his baby girl go. She pulls her arm away; he keeps his in place as long as he can, not wanting to give her up. He places his hands on top of hers and gives her a smile, feeling her hand move away from his. He now turns back and takes his seat in the pew and proceeds to watch his youngest daughter marry the man of her dreams.

This is all how I imagine it is happening inside that church, but it is hard to tell as I sit in my car outside. A sudden knock on my window awakes me from my blank stare. A man in a black suit, white shirt and black tie is standing outside my car door. “Hey buddy, you can’t park here, there is a wedding about to let out and I need you to move.”
I look his way and give him a nod. I turn the key that sits in my ignition, turn the volume up as high as it will go on my radio, and gently push the gas pedal. As the church gets smaller in my rear view mirror, I can’t help but think about how I thought it would be me standing in there.

hillwalker
09-07-2012, 01:00 PM
Well done for posting your first piece of writing. I'll make some observations as I read through this:

The sound of church bells fills the brisk fall air is a bit of a cliché - air always seems to be brisk in the fall like an air horn sounding in the distance. also you use the word 'air' twice in the space of 4 words - and do bells really sound like an air horn? I'm thinking not The vibration could be felt inside the white church and accompanied the sound of small talk. The old wooden pews were packed like sardines. the pews weren't packed like sardines - I'm guessing the people sitting on the pews were The faint sound of an organ served as the soundtrack to all the chatter while everyone waited in anticipation for the ceremony to begin.

So far all you have done is describe the church, and even though you've tried to come up with some original observations they don't work. And other than this, there's nothing else to grab the reader's attention. The opening of a story is the most important part of the story. Readers take one look and often decide whether or not it's worth reading any further. What are you giving us? A portrait of a church that looks like any other church.

In a room at the end of a narrow hallway of the church There's no need to go into such detail surely stood the bride, surrounded by her family and friends, really? so who's inside the church? the groom's 'family and friends'? paying attention to every little detail cliché to make sure that she looks absolutely perfect. cliché She is the center of attention cliché, being touched up with makeup, standing still and just soaking it all in with a smile. The women become silent when hearing two gentle knocks on the door; the words “Come In” end the sudden silence. The wedding planner pokes only her head in the door, I'm assuming she poked her head in the doorway rather than the door but her body stands on one foot outside the door, again you're going into too much detail - does it matter how she's standing? and we have two 'door's she says with a smile “It’s time.”

Not the worst paragraph I've ever read, but it's not great. All you're doing is delaying things. Nothing much happens in this paragraph other than the wedding planner telling the bride 'It's time'. The rest is just filler.

I haven't bothered commenting on the rest of this 'story' because again, nothing happened. By the time we get to the interesting plot development most of your readers will have given up reading. It's almost as if you were trying your hardest to drive them away.

This is all how I imagine it is happening inside that church, but it is hard to tell as I sit in my car outside. A sudden knock on my window awakes me from my blank stare. A man in a black suit, white shirt and black tie is standing outside my car door. “Hey buddy, you can’t park here, there is a wedding about to let out and I need you to move.”
I look his way and give him a nod. I turn the key that sits in my ignition I turn the ignition key , turn two 'turn's the volume up as high as it will go on my radio, and gently push the gas pedal. As the church gets smaller in my rear view mirror, I can’t help but think about how I thought it would be me standing in there.

So how can you fix this? Well, you have to get rid of the opening 5 paragraphs. They're flat and lifeless and are rather boring if I'm honest. You need to begin with a point of conflict or at least some interest - the guy in the car seems the most obvious choice. But you also have to make sure the pace fits in with the action. Cut the repetitions and cliches. How you flesh things out is up to you but you need to take a long, hard look at where this is going.

H