albay
09-05-2012, 07:27 PM
From her corner of the bed she twitched her body violently, stretching her legs and feigning the confused inhale that always mourns a lost dream. She didn’t turn to face him but felt him notice her for the first time since he had stumbled in.
“What time is it?” she asked, forgetting whatever it was that she had planned to say. The digital clock that she had been staring at for hours shone clearly through the opaque night air of the room and through the shadow that he cast from the doorway, but her gaunt, wide eyes could do nothing but listen.
He sat down hard on his side of the bed, no longer bothering with quiet courtesies. She heard him grabbing at the heels of his loafers.
“I don’t know, baby. It’s, uh…” he placed one of his hands near her shoulder as he leaned over to his nightstand. “It’s a little before 2.”
“Where were you?” Her tone was not harsh or accusing but controlled and sad.
He sighed, audibly annoyed. He dropped his shoes to the floor and stood up, taking a few uneasy steps to balance himself. His bare feet were much softer on the bedroom carpet but still she felt the vibrations of his stomps in the bed springs. She saw in his shadow on the wall and in her memory his hand clap on top of his head as he stretched his back and let out a few unattractive grunts; she wondered vaguely in the part of her mind that could leave the room how long it would be until that same hand would find her stomach and he would fall heavily and happily to sleep.
“A few of us went out after the meeting to celebrate. I made a big step today, you know.”
Much more gently he placed the hand near her shoulder again, and she felt him drop something lightly on her cheek. It fell onto the bed, and she picked it up, trying to read it in the dark.
“It’s my 1 month chip. Jeff said that most of the people he’s seen can’t even stay in the program for more than a few days. He says he sees something in me, a truth in my eyes or something like that.”
“Great,” she said dully.
He was quiet for a moment; it was clear that the conversation was not going as he had planned.
“So…,” he said slowly, unrehearsed, lowering himself slowly until he was sitting on the bed again, “so, yeah, a couple of us got big chips today, so Mike- you remember me talking about Mike, right? The dental assistant who used to shoot up?- anyway, Mike said we should all go get dinner and celebrate, so after-”
“So you were eating?”
He stopped short, unable to stifle another frustrated sigh. She heard the angry jingling of his belt as he ripped his jeans off and tossed them across the room, bouncing the mattress as he did so. A few moments later, when he was still and the bedsprings stopped creaking and were silent, he forced a small laugh that was meant to dismiss the assumptions that his silence had already confirmed.
“I told you we were celebrating, babe. And I know what you’re going to say, that we’re all in the program and that we shouldn’t be doing that, but that’s not why I’m there anyway. And it’s not like any of the other guys that came with us are there for drinking either, so it’s fine. But,” he said, his tone changing slightly; it appeared to her that he was proud of the story he was inventing. “But,” he repeated, she imagined, through a grin, “we are men in recovery. I knew that. So if we were celebrating, I told them, we didn’t want to go crazy or anything. I mean, who knows where that could have led? So we all paced ourselves, keeping an eye out for one another, and we made sure that we were sober enough to leave when we left. I’m sorry I’m so late, but Mike probably had a few too many, and this other guy Rick who you don’t know didn’t have money for a cab, so I had to take him home. I should have called, but I left my cell at home today.”
She was sinking into the bed. She felt the room racing upward, saw the walls and the shadows darting past and felt the blankets and springs ooze and melt and grab until she was lost in them, trapped in her stiff body and drowning in his words and in the truth they failed to mask.
Satisfied, he patted her leg before standing again and striding over to the dresser. He started to hum a low tune as he rummaged around in his drawers. He found whatever ratty old pair of sweatpants he had wanted, and she heard him hopping up and down slightly in the corner of the room as he struggled to put them on.
“Oh!” he exclaimed suddenly, still fighting with the pant legs. “Did I tell you about the new guy yet?”
“No,” she said quietly, her voice cracking slightly. She thought for sure that he would notice, and she was terrified and hopeful that he would turn her over and look at her face. But he only laughed.
“I can’t believe I didn’t tell you about this guy,” he said, laughing again. “**** is he annoying. You wouldn’t even believe how annoying this guy is. He talks so damn much. I mean don’t get me wrong, baby, I talk plenty. I’ve got a lot to be sorry for. But this guy is always losing his ****ing mind! Talking about this and that, and he always mentions his goddamn family and he always, he always ****ing cries! Me and Mike have this game now that we play with this guy. We pretend like we’re taking notes, which Jeff allows, but really,” he laughed again, “really we’re just seeing how long it takes him to start crying after he mentions anything about his family. I swear to God he has never gone more than a minute. One minute! And it’s not even like he’s always talking about doing them wrong! I mean most of the time, yeah, it’s all about spending his daughter’s college tuition on cocaine and **** like that. And those parts I get baby, don’t you worry. I’m never going back there again; that stuff breaks my heart. But sometimes he’ll just say something about her birthday or something, and off he ****ing goes. I know it sounds mean, but you’d laugh too if you were there. It’s just so ridiculous. I mean, what’s so damn sad about his daughter?”
He scoffed again before walking back to the bed, yawning mutedly as he did so. She felt a burst of cold on her back as he lifted the covers and slid beneath them, exhaling contently. He rolled towards her and leaned over her, kissing her on her bare shoulder before stopping.
“Baby, are you crying?” he asked, surprised, apparently seeing the tissue in her hand and hearing her muffled sniffs.
“Oh, no…” she said slowly, pretending to shiver and hurriedly wiping a few tears away with the comforter. “It’s just allergies-”
He took her shoulder and pulled her onto her back. His face was hovering over hers, confused and worried.
“What’s wrong?”
She bit her lip and closed her eyes, but a few more tears squeezed out.
“Sarah?”
“I…I just…I’m so scared…I-”
“Oh, baby,” he said, visibly relieved. He leaned in and planted a kiss on her that she did not return before running his thumb down her cheek and smiling. “You don’t have to worry about me. I’ll be fine. I told you, I kicked the stuff. We’ll be just fine, ok? I swear to God we’ll be fine.”
She nodded weakly but he wasn’t watching her anymore. He kissed her again on the shoulder with a sense of finality as she rolled over. Turning around, he punched his pillows a few times and rearranged them before slumping loudly back onto the bed. Smiling, he rolled to his side, closing his eyes and sliding his hand onto her belly, completely unaware of the look on her face.
“What time is it?” she asked, forgetting whatever it was that she had planned to say. The digital clock that she had been staring at for hours shone clearly through the opaque night air of the room and through the shadow that he cast from the doorway, but her gaunt, wide eyes could do nothing but listen.
He sat down hard on his side of the bed, no longer bothering with quiet courtesies. She heard him grabbing at the heels of his loafers.
“I don’t know, baby. It’s, uh…” he placed one of his hands near her shoulder as he leaned over to his nightstand. “It’s a little before 2.”
“Where were you?” Her tone was not harsh or accusing but controlled and sad.
He sighed, audibly annoyed. He dropped his shoes to the floor and stood up, taking a few uneasy steps to balance himself. His bare feet were much softer on the bedroom carpet but still she felt the vibrations of his stomps in the bed springs. She saw in his shadow on the wall and in her memory his hand clap on top of his head as he stretched his back and let out a few unattractive grunts; she wondered vaguely in the part of her mind that could leave the room how long it would be until that same hand would find her stomach and he would fall heavily and happily to sleep.
“A few of us went out after the meeting to celebrate. I made a big step today, you know.”
Much more gently he placed the hand near her shoulder again, and she felt him drop something lightly on her cheek. It fell onto the bed, and she picked it up, trying to read it in the dark.
“It’s my 1 month chip. Jeff said that most of the people he’s seen can’t even stay in the program for more than a few days. He says he sees something in me, a truth in my eyes or something like that.”
“Great,” she said dully.
He was quiet for a moment; it was clear that the conversation was not going as he had planned.
“So…,” he said slowly, unrehearsed, lowering himself slowly until he was sitting on the bed again, “so, yeah, a couple of us got big chips today, so Mike- you remember me talking about Mike, right? The dental assistant who used to shoot up?- anyway, Mike said we should all go get dinner and celebrate, so after-”
“So you were eating?”
He stopped short, unable to stifle another frustrated sigh. She heard the angry jingling of his belt as he ripped his jeans off and tossed them across the room, bouncing the mattress as he did so. A few moments later, when he was still and the bedsprings stopped creaking and were silent, he forced a small laugh that was meant to dismiss the assumptions that his silence had already confirmed.
“I told you we were celebrating, babe. And I know what you’re going to say, that we’re all in the program and that we shouldn’t be doing that, but that’s not why I’m there anyway. And it’s not like any of the other guys that came with us are there for drinking either, so it’s fine. But,” he said, his tone changing slightly; it appeared to her that he was proud of the story he was inventing. “But,” he repeated, she imagined, through a grin, “we are men in recovery. I knew that. So if we were celebrating, I told them, we didn’t want to go crazy or anything. I mean, who knows where that could have led? So we all paced ourselves, keeping an eye out for one another, and we made sure that we were sober enough to leave when we left. I’m sorry I’m so late, but Mike probably had a few too many, and this other guy Rick who you don’t know didn’t have money for a cab, so I had to take him home. I should have called, but I left my cell at home today.”
She was sinking into the bed. She felt the room racing upward, saw the walls and the shadows darting past and felt the blankets and springs ooze and melt and grab until she was lost in them, trapped in her stiff body and drowning in his words and in the truth they failed to mask.
Satisfied, he patted her leg before standing again and striding over to the dresser. He started to hum a low tune as he rummaged around in his drawers. He found whatever ratty old pair of sweatpants he had wanted, and she heard him hopping up and down slightly in the corner of the room as he struggled to put them on.
“Oh!” he exclaimed suddenly, still fighting with the pant legs. “Did I tell you about the new guy yet?”
“No,” she said quietly, her voice cracking slightly. She thought for sure that he would notice, and she was terrified and hopeful that he would turn her over and look at her face. But he only laughed.
“I can’t believe I didn’t tell you about this guy,” he said, laughing again. “**** is he annoying. You wouldn’t even believe how annoying this guy is. He talks so damn much. I mean don’t get me wrong, baby, I talk plenty. I’ve got a lot to be sorry for. But this guy is always losing his ****ing mind! Talking about this and that, and he always mentions his goddamn family and he always, he always ****ing cries! Me and Mike have this game now that we play with this guy. We pretend like we’re taking notes, which Jeff allows, but really,” he laughed again, “really we’re just seeing how long it takes him to start crying after he mentions anything about his family. I swear to God he has never gone more than a minute. One minute! And it’s not even like he’s always talking about doing them wrong! I mean most of the time, yeah, it’s all about spending his daughter’s college tuition on cocaine and **** like that. And those parts I get baby, don’t you worry. I’m never going back there again; that stuff breaks my heart. But sometimes he’ll just say something about her birthday or something, and off he ****ing goes. I know it sounds mean, but you’d laugh too if you were there. It’s just so ridiculous. I mean, what’s so damn sad about his daughter?”
He scoffed again before walking back to the bed, yawning mutedly as he did so. She felt a burst of cold on her back as he lifted the covers and slid beneath them, exhaling contently. He rolled towards her and leaned over her, kissing her on her bare shoulder before stopping.
“Baby, are you crying?” he asked, surprised, apparently seeing the tissue in her hand and hearing her muffled sniffs.
“Oh, no…” she said slowly, pretending to shiver and hurriedly wiping a few tears away with the comforter. “It’s just allergies-”
He took her shoulder and pulled her onto her back. His face was hovering over hers, confused and worried.
“What’s wrong?”
She bit her lip and closed her eyes, but a few more tears squeezed out.
“Sarah?”
“I…I just…I’m so scared…I-”
“Oh, baby,” he said, visibly relieved. He leaned in and planted a kiss on her that she did not return before running his thumb down her cheek and smiling. “You don’t have to worry about me. I’ll be fine. I told you, I kicked the stuff. We’ll be just fine, ok? I swear to God we’ll be fine.”
She nodded weakly but he wasn’t watching her anymore. He kissed her again on the shoulder with a sense of finality as she rolled over. Turning around, he punched his pillows a few times and rearranged them before slumping loudly back onto the bed. Smiling, he rolled to his side, closing his eyes and sliding his hand onto her belly, completely unaware of the look on her face.