Exploded Angels

[Nicole82190]

Two eyes, see exploded angels, glowing shreds of light,
Two hands, feel these lighted shreds, oozing out their might.
One foot, stepping on ahead searching for its way,
One nose filled with putrid ruins, rotting and decay.
Stagger over bombed explosions through this ruined life.
Scaling over thorn-filled hills cutting like a knife.
Launching into unknown depths swallowed by the water,
Drowning here, this unfulfilled lost and lesser daughter.
Two feet thrash violently, pushing, kicking, through this airless space,
Two lungs expand, breeding life, one tear drops down her face.
One mind sees light, bathe the coast, cleansing out its shade
One mind sees angels; half are whole, half are torn and frayed.

[Jeos]

Difficult to understand(or perhaps not so difficult...) why nobody noticed your text... for it is a 'damned' good one - pls continue...!

[Jack of Hearts]

The poem itself is a good enough first posting. It's being terribly strangled by the forced rhyme but still manages to display a lot of talent and potential. Keep posting, Nicole, you're one to watch...







J

[hillwalker]

Some interesting imagery - as well as some clumsy expressions:

'oozing out their might' doesn't work in any context

a nose 'filled with putrid ruins' - did you mean the scent of putrid ruins? because it makes no sense otherwise

'bombed explosions' - not sure how one can step over these - perhaps you meant the craters caused by bombs or explosions

Some of the awkwardness is down to the constraints you have placed upon yourself by keeping to a regular rhyming scheme. Would you have mentioned the 'lost and lesser daughter' if the word 'water' didn't appear at the end of the preceding line? When you decide to use rhyme the poem sometimes forces you to write something you hadn't intended writing - a case of the tail wagging the dog.

Some of the lines are intriguing - perhaps if you dispense with rhyme next time we'll get to hear what you really have to say for yourself.

H