On Sliding Lanes--with Friends

[Jassy Melson]

Sloshing down a misty path,
weaving through ridges and valleys of mud
attempting to hold me there
and breaking apart in doing so.
I walk on--caked
with wet chocolate icing, it clings
to my rough jeans, then dries, hardens
and crumbles away, to be replaced.

This glistening lane is clear
after the rain.
Spring inhabitants of the sky
venture into the now-dry blue,
calling for helpmates to soar--up
and above, to find a tree
suitable for a family
and a hill that will provide
a decent echo.
I see, but these feathered ones see more;
I hear their song: "Our friend, to never weep
you must keep flying." I hear.

And the road lies out--ever ahead--
sometimes narrowing but with no dead ends,
only detoured paths.
I travel onward with the carved dirt,
carrying some of it.
Shuffling through ridges and valleys
trying to hold me there.

[miyako73]

"Sloshing down a misty path,
weaving through ridges and valleys of mud
attempting to hold me there
and breaking apart in doing so.
I walk on--caked"

If again you think that is grammatically correct, I don't want to read your stuff anymore. For some reason, I feel embarrassed for you. Maybe it's due to my consideration of your age and American education. I wonder what new rule you will make up this time about verbals.

[Jassy Melson]

Many poems have contained grammatically incorrect items. Phrases are sometimes used as sentences. Finding a grammatical mistake in the poem is all well and good, but what I want to know is what do you think about the poem in general.

[Lykren]

Was this based on actual experience? It felt like it. If so, I like how you blended the very literal with the philosophical at the end. The only part that didn't feel right for me was the end of the second stanza. Phrases like 'these feathered ones' felt cutesy and cliche.

Other than that, good work!

[Jassy Melson]

You're right on all counts

[miyako73]

I'm not just picking grammatical lapses. One wrong grammar affects the structure and sense of an entire poem. If you want to use phrases, be consistent and clear. Writers use period after a phrase, but that phrase makes sense as it is about what precedes and succeeds.

Let's take your work as an example:

"Sloshing down a misty path,
weaving through ridges and valleys of mud
attempting to hold me there
and breaking apart in doing so."

Who is sloshing and weaving? It can't be you, since that ghost or that thing attempts to hold you and break you apart. Because of that alone, your poem is a concoction of confused verbiage.

Then the end is as confusing as the first.

"Shuffling through ridges and valleys
trying to hold me there."

Who is shuffling and trying to hold you there? You or someone else? If it is you, you have a multi-personality disorder, and I don't think your poem is about that. If you're talking about the lanes in the title, still it's unclear. The last line can be about the road with no dead ends. Are the lanes in the title the same road you are talking about in the last stanza? Again, it's inconsistent. Lanes and road are two different things in number and in meaning.

[Mutatis-Mutandis]

Grammar really isn't that big of a deal for poetry....

[Jassy Melson]

Thanks for your opinion. I happen to disagree.

[hillwalker]

Miyako - you're wasting your time trying to open any dialogue on here regarding correct or accepted grammar.
It's like trying to explain humility to Donald Trump.

H

[E.A Rumfield]

"Sloshing down a misty path,
weaving through ridges and valleys of mud
attempting to hold me there
and breaking apart in doing so.
I walk on--caked"

If again you think that is grammatically correct, I don't want to read your stuff anymore. For some reason, I feel embarrassed for you. Maybe it's due to my consideration of your age and American education. I wonder what new rule you will make up this time about verbals.

You sound sad.

[miyako73]

You sound sad.


all you need is read what the same author said about interrogative sentence using period in the other thread, then you will not see me as sad.

[Jassy Melson]

I would like to hear what you like about the poem

[miyako73]

The second verse is fine, except this one: "Our friend, to never weep
you must keep flying." It really doesn't matter if that is a sentence to you because it is supposedly a song of birds.

hahahaha

[E.A Rumfield]

all you need is read what the same author said about interrogative sentence using period in the other thread, then you will not see me as sad.

Yea but you just sound petty and childish. Would you disagree?

[miyako73]

Didn't he consider himself a writing expert? Read his stuff on how to write. I'm not being petty and childish. I'm just bored and trying to tell the emperor he has no clothes.

[E.A Rumfield]

I am aware of what you are referring to but as they say those who are sure of themselves are not bothered by trivialities. Let him live in his delusions. What does it take from you?

[Mutatis-Mutandis]

Thanks for your opinion. I happen to disagree.

Man, Jassy, I attempt to back you up and that's how you answer. I won't do that again.

Still, poetry doesn't have to have correct grammar, nor should it always. If it breaks the rules, it has to do so with a purpose, though.

[miyako73]

Thanks, Mutatis. The operative word is: purpose. It can be for style, clarity, or conciseness. Jassy's is simply a mistake.

[Jassy Melson]

Now I understand the situation.


Man, Jassy, I attempt to back you up and that's how you answer. I won't do that again.

Still, poetry doesn't have to have correct grammar, nor should it always. If it breaks the rules, it has to do so with a purpose, though.

I wasn't replying to your post, but to the post above yours.

[hillwalker]

Without getting embroiled in another endless diatribe, what saddens me is the gracelessness with which certain posters react to responses on here. Rather than concede the occasional error, enter a meaningful dialogue or acknowledge an opinion that may differ to the OP's, we're treated with contempt.

I happen to agree that fragmented sentences can work in poetry. Grammar isn't the only determining factor whether or not a poem works effectively. But self-defensive prickliness is hardly the reaction we expect on here from professional writers.

It begs the question - Why post stuff on here? Is it purely to showcase one's talent?

H

[Jassy Melson]

You're right. I totally agree. The first post in reply to my poem was a personal attack on me. And it went from there. If you will go back and check out all the posts concerning my poem, you will see that I was the graceful one in my replies.

[miyako73]

Jassy, I really thought you intentionally did not write your best, so you could be a provocateur. As I already said your lapses were grammatical mistakes and inconsistencies. Fragments are beautiful if properly done and used. There are good poems here that do not even use punctuation marks. You can easily discern either writer's purpose that is related to style, conciseness, and clarity. Yours confused, made your poem look and sound ugly, and defined you as a stubborn moron--though you're not.

This will be my last.

[zoolane]

"Sloshing down a misty path,
weaving through ridges and valleys of mud
attempting to hold me there
and breaking apart in doing so.
I walk on--caked"

If again you think that is grammatically correct, I don't want to read your stuff anymore. For some reason, I feel embarrassed for you. Maybe it's due to my consideration of your age and American education. I wonder what new rule you will make up this time about verbals.

My poetry writing is not grammatically correct and if will be.

Miyako73 all seem worry about is grammatically of the poem, instead the reading actual words and what poem is try said to you as reader.

To me honesty the Stanza above mean someone is stick in rut, writer is try to said 'I will carry on and work through the challenge ahead and try to get somewhere ' I might be wrong.

[Jassy Melson]

Finally, a post that is not so much concerned with the grammar but with what I was trying to express.


Jassy, I really thought you intentionally did not write your best, so you could be a provocateur. As I already said your lapses were grammatical mistakes and inconsistencies. Fragments are beautiful if properly done and used. There are good poems here that do not even use punctuation marks. You can easily discern either writer's purpose that is related to style, conciseness, and clarity. Yours confused, made your poem look and sound ugly, and defined you as a stubborn moron--though you're not.

This will be my last.
So you think my poem looks and sounds ugly, and defines me as a stubborn moron (you add a little disclamer to that last remark, but it really shows that you think I am a moron). That's fine. You're free to think what you want.

[Mutatis-Mutandis]

I wasn't replying to your post, but to the post above yours.

Learn how forums work, then.

[Scheherazade]

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R e m i n d e r

Please do not discuss each other but the poem posted.

Posts containing personal comments will be removed without further notice.

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