Placid Ripples

[Lykren]

Your thoughts on this poem, please!

Innocent verdure invisible outside
the windows: darkness proceeds.
We sleep
like straw
golden in the loving sun.
The air rustles and
kisses itself
flowing through the sheets.
Fire from heaven
was never so delightfully
quiet-faced
or pale and pure
as water,
like you.
We sleep
like strangers
fate has had meet
floating through deep-water dreams
of hazy love.

Don't be afraid to be harsh, I have an inflated ego :P

Thank you for your comments!

[Jeos]

Well...

get your inflated ego ready to explode ! For you have- as we say in my country- 'a rack of poet'.
Always susceptible of improvement but that we can apply to everything and everyone...beginning by myself of course.
Enjoyed a lot reading it.

[Lykren]

Thank you, Jeos, for your kind compliment!

Here's another one if you like, available for critique:

Bird:

A duchess bird
pale and blue among the hearts
twined above the earth.
Sparkling between
echoes of soft light
and shadow
meandering
on fire
as though a crazy road
touching home.
Distant leaves adumbrate
a silken sea of mist—
flight illumines.

[Jeos]

Welcome Lykren, tha last line means something like 'illuminated flight'... ?

No doubt you are talented BUT do not forget "nurturing" your talent...! You know how I suppose...?

[Lykren]

Welcome Lykren, tha last line means something like 'illuminated flight'... ?

No doubt you are talented BUT do not forget "nurturing" your talent...! You know how I suppose...?


Illumine: to illuminate.

And I suppose... By writing more and reading more? Always enjoyable activities ;)

[Jeos]

Illumine: to illuminate.

And I suppose... By writing more and reading more? Always enjoyable activities ;)

Exactly...when it comes to reading concentrate on 20 and 21 century more renowned poets and analyse their ways...reading only isn't enough.

Et voilà !

[Lykren]

I think there is no reason one couldn't learn from earlier poets too, though. After all, that is the source those 20th and 21st century poets took their lessons from. I'm thinking for example of Donne, who could be seen as influencing both Stevens and Eliot. Or Whitman, and his effect on W.C Williams.

Anyway, I was hoping more for a detailed critique of particular elements of the poems I've posted, if that's possible.