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maxicute012
08-21-2012, 08:07 AM
This is incomplete.... i just need an idea and commentary coming from you guys.. i need more inspiration



From Madrid, With All My Heart

Right atop of a hidden dome beyond the spring, fireworks ignited flares from the dark dreamy night sky along with the dances of flame were marching red flaming capes hovered. The New Year’s Eve was as hellish as it seems. For Heron, it is the day were his long live lover had died. The red capes reminded him of a blood that his lover had coughed. His lover had made a slight of smile though. But her happiness and contentment of having a short life to live with Heron wasn’t a satisfaction for him.
Right after the last hanging leaf of a tree fell. Heron remembered a promise that he had kept after the saddest day of his life. His promise is so eternal that he swore, he’ll never ever find any other woman except from someone who used to be Madrid. Madrid was the most beautiful name he heard in his life. It’s the first name of his lover who demised the happiness he had. Heron was so obsessed of that name. His friends used to tease him by the way he looked for woman along his journey. He even traveled to Spain. But everything was a failure. He never realized that there was something much more precious than the label itself, it’s love. Love was an eternal energy that he felt. It’s irreplaceable. And that’s the meanest thing he never tried to dig deep.
Every man’s heart has its limitations. But for Heron, it’s limitless. He believed that everyone should live its loyalty for someone who you compromised to live till death.
It’s true that Heron was nothing but a slave of the past. And it’s crazy that everybody was as foolish as him. Through time, he heard and saw a lot of news about people who strangled their self to death just to surpass the strong pain. The pain was commonly because of love. Love is a disease, or most probably a cancer. But that cancer won’t kill him. He’s probably immune, he won’t give up, in the name of Madrid’s last wishes.

MANICHAEAN
08-21-2012, 09:25 AM
What you are trying to say and express is very good.
But now read it slowly, (out loud if need be) and pick up the mistakes in the sentence structure, punctuation and spelling.

Which authors and books are you reading at the moment? You might find the style and themes of James Baldwin and even Hemingway as a help with this story. Good luck.

M.

E.A Rumfield
08-22-2012, 05:52 PM
"And it’s crazy that everybody was as foolish as him. Through time, he heard and saw a lot of news about people who strangled their self to death just to surpass the strong pain. The pain was commonly because of love. Love is a disease, or most probably a cancer. But that cancer won’t kill him. He’s probably immune, he won’t give up, in the name of Madrid’s last wishes."

When people write like this it seems more like they are speaking to themselves. Like they need to put something into writing, so they can understand it/relieve themselves from something. Which is great but what a novelist or a good fiction writer does is instead of saying things blankly and flatly like that, they use characters and story to illustrate they're philosophy and underlying meaning. That way it is open to a different interpretation to each person that reads it. It allows the reader to decide for themselves what to believe of the world you created. Instead of saying "Mike was awesome and great and kind hearted." You can say... Walking down Broadway eating a sandwich he bought with his last five bucks, Mike saw a homeless man. Even though he was hungry and didn't know when he himself would eat again Mike took one last bite, savoring the slimy ham and cheese and handed it to the man.

Bad example but you can understand what I am trying to say.

And yes there are many structural and grammar related mistakes. Re-read it like you were reading something someone else wrote. Or better yet have a friend read it.