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_Paul
08-16-2012, 11:51 PM
Silently, and with the clinical authority of one trained to an unprecedented level in his art, the hitman paused and raised his head cocking it slightly as though straining to hear some message in the warm night air. He could feel a humidity that defied the coolness of the day before. The air seemed to suffocate, stifling the night sounds of birds and car engines and sending foxes scurrying, forlorn, back to their nests whilst overhead the stars became fewer and fewer, blotted out by grey and purple clouds being blown over by a strong easterly wind. The static in the air heightened and the hitman could sense a sudden change in the weather, a storm was brewing. He moved silently on. His pace steady as ever.
First Dover Street, lit up by sporadically placed street lamps and the occasional light glowing out from a bedroom or living room window. Then Newton Avenue, full of decaying houses whose ability to stand seemed some trick of the eye. The stones, weather worn and turned a pale grey by the calcium deposits of incessant rains, were held together by cement that crumbled at the touch giving the impression of a beaten legion of some long lost army making a valiant last stand against an irrepressible tide of military power. It was at the front of one of these defeated bastions that a man stood in the midst of an unkempt garden and held the hitmans gaze just long enough to render silence inappropriate.
“Good evening”, the man offered, plaintively.
“Evening.”, replied the hitman, in a voice that seemed to arrive in the air as an echo, as though it had come reverberating from a fathomless abyss.
“Are you from round here?”, enquired the man, compelled into asking by the curiosity of the hitmans strange appearance; the hitman having long black hair slicked back into a pony tail that contrasted starkly with his pale complexion and a drawn face that gave rise to a notion he had insufficient skin to cover it.
“No. I come from a long since destroyed village”, replied the Hitman, who in turn was entirely unsurprised by the mans rural appearance of colourful but dirtied clothes, large boots and friendly but worn face.
“May I ask where, only we don´t get much in the way of visitors. Up until recently that is.”
“It´s far from here. Thousands of miles.”
“I see, well I´d be careful, us locals tend to stay indoors after dark there´s some queer folk around here”, advised the man, noting that his counterpart in conversation was the epitome of those he had grown so wary of.
“I´ll keep an eye out”, replied the hitman, curtly, in a manner that suggested further conversation was neither desired or necessary.
“Right you are”, said the man, and with a final glance in the hitmans directions and a courteous nod of farewell he went inside. The hitman heard the sound of a door being locked and the rattle of chains. He moved on.
Two more roads and he was nearing his target. A sensation of a small isolated coldness arriving on his face and exposed hands indicated the rain was beginning. Exponentially, the isolated droplets increased dampening his clothes and hair, a sharp crack of thunder, lasting five seconds in length, and reaching its peak with a deafening boom in the middle, saw the floodgates open. Cold, heavy rain splattered down at a thirty degree angle drenching everything around rapidly creating puddles in the stone pitted road, creating small rivers of dirt that congregated together and rendering the houses nearby blurred as though seen through a tv screen struggling for reception.
Still the hitman walked on. The thunder, occurring more frequently now, sounded as though a band of giant drummers were beating a monotonous, imposing tune in the heavens. And then, a fork of lightning stretching from high in the night sky to the bottom of the horizon illuminated the hitmans target. Like those on Newton Avenue, this house was made from stone, but it was newer, unlike the previous ones it appeared sturdy, vast in size, it was writhed in ivy and looked to be a symbol of wealth and power. The inhabitants had tended to the garden, or hired someone to, as the lawn was cut short in length and the bushes, isolated as decorative break-up points in the stone drive or acting as borders to the houses acreage, were all cut to perfection. The gate, ten feet high and composed of steel with a semi-circle at the top layered with spikes stood as a deterrent to intruders.
Once, in a distant past, when he stood outside the place his target was located, it would cause in him an undesirable reaction. His stomache would knot together, his hands would shake and a slight nausea would blighten him. Now, there was nothing: no heightened pulse, no butterflies in the stomache, no loosening bowels. Instead, a calm spread from his head throughout his body. He felt alive, his senses were sharp, like those of an experienced surgeon prior to an incision.
He didn´t hesitate. His experience had taught him against it. He jumped over the fence in a move reminiscent of a ninja, walked briskly to the side of the house, not pausing to check if he had been seen and found what he was looking for. A window, on the ground floor, the chink in this houses armor. A week prior, this window had been fitted by a sub company of the one the hitman worked for, built with a design flaw it could be eased off effortlessly. He entered the house and stood, quietly, listening for noise.

_Paul
08-22-2012, 03:43 PM
Any feedback whether positive or negative would be greatly appreciated and reciprocated!

E.A Rumfield
08-22-2012, 05:42 PM
It was reminds me of a video game I played when I was younger aptly named Hitman. I think it was well-written. Nice use of language. I feel you spent too much time describing the weather and neighborhood it seems superfluous especially in a very short piece.

hillwalker
08-22-2012, 06:35 PM
You asked for feedback so here goes:

This is an action piece so the last thing you need is long, long sentences where nothing much happens:
so
sentence 1 - 38 words to tell us the 'hitman' raised his head
sentence 2 - a 13-word weather update
sentence 3 - another 13 words serving the same purpose
sentence 4 - 46 words (still focussing on the weather)
and sentence 5 - another 21 words continuing to obsess about the weather...
Can you see where this has already lost its way somehow? A 949-word story about a professional assassin and almost 10% of it is a weather forecast. Where's the plot?

You're a decent enough writer but you're getting bogged down in trivialities.
I liked the way you describe him moving from street to street - people behind the windows oblivious to the evil outside.
But then you got carried away with describing the architecture for some reason...

Then we have the first line of dialogue and this is where the story self-destructs:
“Good evening”, the man offered, plaintively ?.
Adverbs are generally useless at conveying anything worthwhile - and in this case it just seems an odd choice of word. Why would the man be sad?
We then have one of the most bizarre conversations ever recorded despite the hitman's voice seeming to be reverberating from a fathomless abyss. (An interesting observation but impossible to imagine. A case of overwriting...)

As for your attempts to describe the physical appearance of both characters - you didn't do it very well. But to finish it off we discover 'the man' he met has nothing to do with the plot anyway. He just happened to be there when the hitman walked past.
Why waste our time with such trivialities?

We are then subjected to more overwriting (focussed on the weather obviously):
A sensation of a small isolated coldness arriving on his face and exposed hands indicated the rain was beginning. Exponentially, the isolated droplets increased dampening his clothes and hair, a sharp crack of thunder, lasting five seconds in length, and reaching its peak with a deafening boom in the middle, saw the floodgates open. Cold, heavy rain splattered down at a thirty degree angle drenching everything around rapidly creating puddles in the stone pitted road, creating small rivers of dirt that congregated together and rendering the houses nearby blurred as though seen through a tv screen struggling for reception.
Still the hitman walked on. The thunder, occurring more frequently now, sounded as though a band of giant drummers were beating a monotonous, imposing tune in the heavens. And then, a fork of lightning stretching from high in the night sky to the bottom of the horizon illuminated the hitmans target.

150 words to tell us it had started to rain...

Then another 108 words about the architecture:
Like those on Newton Avenue, this house was made from stone, but it was newer, unlike the previous ones it appeared sturdy, vast in size, it was writhed in ivy and looked to be a symbol of wealth and power. The inhabitants had tended to the garden, or hired someone to, as the lawn was cut short in length and the bushes, isolated as decorative break-up points in the stone drive or acting as borders to the houses acreage, were all cut to perfection. The gate, ten feet high and composed of steel with a semi-circle at the top layered with spikes stood as a deterrent to intruders.

but so far no story in sight.

Conclusion?
You can write well enough about weather and architecture - setting the scene. That's all well and good, but most readers will have fallen asleep long before anything happens.
Your dialogue lacks immediacy because you're recording chit-chat. If it's not adding to the plot or driving the story forwards leave it out.
Your plot structure is the main weakness - you could just as easily have been describing the behaviour of a pizza delivery-man (rather than a hitman).
And we're still waiting for something interesting to happen...

H

_Paul
08-24-2012, 07:03 PM
Thanks for your feedback. I will keep your views in mind with my future writing as creative writing in the short story/prose form is a new hobby and one that I aim to pursue as much as possible. With regards to the extensive writing about weather and architecture, I was doing that in an attempt to create a tense, drama filled setting and mood (ie the 'coming of the storm') where the reader is left feeling a drastic event is about to happen. In essence, there is no plot other than a hitman walking to a location where he is doing a hit, as such I don't entirely understand your criticism with regards to that.

I look forward to hearing your feedback, if you are happy to bestow it, on my future works and in turn I will hopefully be able to reviews yours.

Thanks,
Paul

hillwalker
08-25-2012, 12:05 PM
In essence, there is no plot other than a hitman walking to a location where he is doing a hit, as such I don't entirely understand your criticism with regards to that.

You've summed up the 'plot' in 12 words:
'a hitman walking to a location where he is doing a hit'

Most of the rest of your 'story' was filler. You didn't manage to create any tension because you broke the spell by having the pointless conversation half way through the story.

I liked the idea of people not knowing what goes on outside in the dark streets once they're safely indoors.
But to take so long to reveal a rather flimsy plot - it was as if you had cheated the reader.
Writing is a two-way street - the reader has to feel the writer has made it worth their while investing the time to read their story. In the case of your story I felt let down by the end.

H