Her Eyes, The Moon

[E.A Rumfield]

I decided to give that spoken word thing another shot. I think it's fun and helps discover rhythm. Below are the two poems. I'd appreciate any insight and I promise it's better than last time.

http://soundcloud.com/playingthepianodrunk/the-moon-her-eyes

A Venture Into The Obscure

I see the wind
as it ravishes the land
Carrying with it
all that was great
and not so great
all that was beautiful
and all that was ugly
all my hopes
and your dreams

The rain falls, invisible,
and I watch it
wash the world away
the tide grows and, I
escape to higher ground as
the sky begins to
dissolve into the landscape
and the sun falls
right into the sea

The waves
they do the rest
and I'm standing
here on a smoldering
rock, with a cop and a clock
and neither ever did us any good

Her Eyes, The Moon

I found her later that night.
Under the beckoning moon.
Immersed in its glow.
Like a gentle hand, caressing
her slender frame.
I was lost in time, minutes
passed by.
“The first thing I noticed about you
was the love in your eyes. Never in
my life had I seen such a sight. “
She looked up at me and with
a puppy dog sigh, fluttered
those eyes.
“Now I can tell someone occupies
them, and you are as beautiful as
ever.”
She brushed her hair out of the
way and I studied her face.
The dimple in her chin, that
little freckle under her nose.
Her eyes as bright and wide
as the moon.
“I just want to know, is it me?”

[Hawkman]

Hi EA. I followed your link. Quite a nice idea that. The only problem I had was with the sound levels, the music was too loud which made it difficult for my aged ears to follow the voice.

As for the two poems: they're rather good, think. The only thing I can really criticise is the punctuation and perhaps the line-breaks in a couple of places. The moon in her eyes is really suffering from an excess of full stops, which in your reading you have ignored, but when reading the poem for the first time they keep stalling it. If it was punctuated as you read it, it would be much smoother. It might be possible to level an accusation of prosiness at The Moon in Her Eyes, but as a performance piece I think it was very successful. Not sure I liked the rather long gap before the final verse in A Venture into the Obscure though, and possibly it might be better to time the accompaniment more precisely to the verses.

I enjoyed these, thanks for sharing.

Live and be well - H

[Cisco]

I like the poems, the sound track needs to meter with the words a bit. for me I`d rather hear you a little more and the music farther in the background. if your anything like me just keep..pounding on it..:crash: don`t give up, I like the idea of this.

[E.A Rumfield]

Thanks. I'll probably post something again in a few days.