Spoken Word Over Original Music (A Tiger With No Teeth)

[E.A Rumfield]

http://soundcloud.com/playingthepianodrunk/grape-jam-with-spoken-word

She flicked her head haughtily to the side
and her hair followed obediently behind, but not me
I said you'll never meet someone like me not if you live to be one
thousand and three


I am a tiger with no teeth devouring its prey
I am a hawk with clipped wings majestically soaring
a mile high circling a mile wide
I am a big dog on a small leash
I am a word that makes no sound
I am a great Blue whale in a pool in a zoo
I am the child that knows that it is wrong
I am the bird that sings no song but cries
all night
all night long
I am a gorilla with a jacket and a cap
I am an ant under a magnifying glass
I am a book with no pages
I am a tree that falls on a lumberjack
I am the fish that caught the man
I am a porpoise caught in the net of your love
I am a bear trap that caught a hunter
I am a bear on a scooter
I am dolphin safe tuna in a dangerous world
I am the gleam in your eyes and when you leave
it dies

[The Truth]

Ah yes, I used to do stuff like this, some of my favorite. Your piece is exceptional, more lyrically than musically, but that's how I used to be too so I don't have much of a problem with it. Very good work, I especially like the second part.

In the meantime, if you enjoy stuff like this, one of my favorite bands with spoken word poetry: http://enablers.bandcamp.com/

[Delta40]

are you sure that guitar was properly tuned???

I think I enjoyed reading the poem to myself which brings me to my own dilemma. I've been asked to attend a poetry recital and I realise there is a fundamental difference between writing poetry and reciting it. I appreciate the effort you have put into your own presentation but for many people they still prefer to read poetry themselves rather than have it recited to them and I'm one of those people. Some great lines but I feel they lost their effect when I heard them recited. I imagine however, this is merely a personal preference and nothing more.

[Buh4Bee]

It's pleasant enough. I think it's a personal piece, but easy for anyone to listen to. I can hear the accent.

[E.A Rumfield]

are you sure that guitar was properly tuned???


That's funny. I'm an amateurish guitar player but I didn't think it was that bad. My friend was playing the chords and I was playing perhaps C harmonic minor the whole time. I just wanted to read it over the music. I respect that you would rather read it.

[E.A Rumfield]

Ah yes, I used to do stuff like this, some of my favorite. Your piece is exceptional, more lyrically than musically, but that's how I used to be too so I don't have much of a problem with it. Very good work, I especially like the second part.

In the meantime, if you enjoy stuff like this, one of my favorite bands with spoken word poetry: http://enablers.bandcamp.com/

That was really cool I didn't expect I would like it. On a totally unrelated note listen to this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BafpLJbXeQY&feature=related

[Hawkman]

I like this, but it is a little over written. The poetry would be improved by making some judicious cuts. for example:

"a mile high circling a mile wide"

would be more effective if you replaced both the indefinite articles with commas. You might also consider hyphenating mile-high, mile-wide.

You don't need this many "I am"s. Often the rhythm of the lines would be improved by leaving them out and after a while they just become repetitively tedious to the reader.

The last sentence isn't quite right:

"I am the gleam in your eyes and when you leave
it dies."

The problem is a subtle one. The trouble with being the gleam in someone else's eye is in the fact that, "...when they leave, it dies" The tone of the poem is about the narrator's feeling of inadequacy and loss. However, this sentence projects the feeling onto the un-named 'other' who is leaving. I'm not convinced that this is either intentional or desireable in this poem. It's OK for the narrator to be a light which dies when the other leaves, but not for it to be in their eyes. You might want to rethink this.

Having said this, I did enjoy the poem.

Live and be well - H

[E.A Rumfield]

I like this, but it is a little over written. The poetry would be improved by making some judicious cuts. for example:

"a mile high circling a mile wide"

would be more effective if you replaced both the indefinite articles with commas. You might also consider hyphenating mile-high, mile-wide.

You don't need this many "I am"s. Often the rhythm of the lines would be improved by leaving them out and after a while they just become repetitively tedious to the reader.

The last sentence isn't quite right:

"I am the gleam in your eyes and when you leave
it dies."

The problem is a subtle one. The trouble with being the gleam in someone else's eye is in the fact that, "...when they leave, it dies" The tone of the poem is about the narrator's feeling of inadequacy and loss. However, this sentence projects the feeling onto the un-named 'other' who is leaving. I'm not convinced that this is either intentional or desireable in this poem. It's OK for the narrator to be a light which dies when the other leaves, but not for it to be in their eyes. You might want to rethink this.

Having said this, I did enjoy the poem.

Live and be well - H

I disagree with you interpretation of the poem. You say it's about feeling of inadequacy and loss. I was talking smack. You'll never meet someone like me again. I am all you'll ever be. I'm the gleam in you eyes and when you leave it dies.

Anyway how bout this

She flicked her head haughtily to the side,
and her hair followed obediently behind. But not me,
I said, you'll never meet someone like me, even if you live to be one
thousand and three:

I am a tiger with no teeth devouring its prey
a big dog on a small leash
a word that makes no sound
a Great Blue Whale in a pool in a zoo
the child that knows it is wrong
I am the bird that sings no song but cries
all night
all night long
a gorilla with a jacket and a cap
an ant under a magnifying glass
the the tree that falls on a lumberjack
the fish that caught the man
a porpoise caught in the net of you love
I am dolphin safe tuna in dangerous water
I am the gleam in your eyes and when you leave it dies

[Buh4Bee]

Thank you for stopping by to read Buh4Bee. I appreciating you taking the time to read and listen.

What happened to basic manners on this forum?

[Hawkman]

EA: yes, cutting the I ams definitely improves it. You could have got away with with leaving a couple of others in but this reads very well. I see what you are getting at with your explanation, but there are some images which come over in a way which I feel is at odds with your intention. A toothless Tiger "a word that makes no sound" "a child that knows it is wrong", and your original, but now cut, "hawk with clipped wings" etc, have connotations of inadequacy. Consequently I think it excusable to interpret the poem as I did. The opening verse sets the scene of a girl walking out on her guy, and to reinforce the guy's reaction of, 'it's your loss,' I'd prefer more positive self imaged comparisons. Nevertheless, I did enjoy the read and the catalogue of images delivered with such gusto.

Live and be well - H

[E.A Rumfield]

EA: yes, cutting the I ams definitely improves it. You could have got away with with leaving a couple of others in but this reads very well. I see what you are getting at with your explanation, but there are some images which come over in a way which I feel is at odds with your intention. A toothless Tiger "a word that makes no sound" "a child that knows it is wrong", and your original, but now cut, "hawk with clipped wings" etc, have connotations of inadequacy. Consequently I think it excusable to interpret the poem as I did. The opening verse sets the scene of a girl walking out on her guy, and to reinforce the guy's reaction of, 'it's your loss,' I'd prefer more positive self imaged comparisons. Nevertheless, I did enjoy the read and the catalogue of images delivered with such gusto.

Live and be well - H

Thank you. Remember I am also the tree that falls on a lumberjack, the fish that caught the man and the bear trap that catches the hunter. You are right in a way, the images give a feeling of inadequacy but it's sort of proud. That tiger is still eating and the hawk is still flying. Poetry has always been open to any interpretation the reader makes. I thank you all for reading it and taking the time to share your thoughts.