Caultahgew
08-09-2012, 10:57 AM
Hey everyone. I started writing a book and wanted to know if I could get some feedback. I'm not sure if this is the right place.
Just a quick warning, by the time you are done reading what I have wrote, there will be no end. I'm still in the process of writing. My intention is to get some feedback on the pacing and flow because I know it's off. I was hoping if there was a good author here if they could enlighten me on how to make it flow better. Thanks!
Charlie
_________It was a beautiful day in New Orleans. The sun was setting on the horizon as it illuminated the french quarter that Charlie and her boyfriend Brad were walking through. The streets were filled with empty cups, beads, old food scraps and anything else you could imagine that would be left behind after one of North America's biggest “free” parties had come and gone. Charlie turned to her boyfriend as they walked up the street, “I sure am glad we decided to come to New Orleans for Vacation.”
“Yeah babe, this place is awesome!” Brad responded.
“Thanks so much for coming with me”.
The streets were still populated with left over partiers that were drinking, shouting, laughing and overall just letting it all go. For the most part though, a lot of the crowd had gone back home to lead their normal lives. After all, it had been six days since Fat Tuesday. Brad looked at Charlie with a sour look on his face and said. “I kind of wanted to come during the crazy time.”Brad spun around as he heard the high pitch of a girl in her later twenties scream “PARTY!!” Brad looked back and Charlie, “So whats up babe, what you wanna do?”
Charlie always loved capturing every moment possible but she had forgotten her camera. She kissed Brad on the cheek. “I Wouldn't mind going back to the motel, I left my camera there”
“Ugh babe, you really need it?.”
Of course she needed it. “Come on, it's not that far away.”
“I guess it's only a couple of blocks.”
_________Charlie was 25 years old and was currently a student at Boston College. She was in the process of getting her PHD in finance when she decided to convince her high school sweetheart Brad Palmer to go with her to New Orleans. Brad had wanted to go to New Orleans during one of the weeks before Fat Tuesday when the partying was at its craziest. Fortunately for Charlie, her spring break started on March 3rd and by now most of the partying had died down. Her intention of going to New Orleans was to clear her mind before studying for her finals. She wasn't there to wake up every morning hung-over with a headache regretting her decisions from the night before.
_________Charlie was startled when a man came out from an alleyway staggering. “Blughhhhhh” he puked all over the sidewalk. Brad began to laugh, “Way to hold your **** buddy”. The man looked up with glossy eyes and groaned “Ughhhhh.” They continued to walk up the street. Charlie knew the way Brad was when it came to drinking, he always over did it. She chuckled under her breath, “I bet you will be doing that same thing by the end of the week”.
Brad snapped back, “Like hell, you know I can hold my liquor babe. I can out drink all the guys on the team. After every game when we go to the bar I'm always pounding them back while the other guys tap out after a few drinks”.
Charlie rolled her eyes, “You're probably the only one that thinks its a contest.”
Brad ignored her as he gazed up the street. Charlie looked in the direction where he was looking but couldn't see what he was staring at. Probably some blonde in a bikini. Charlie was a beautiful girl, but she always caught her boyfriend checking out other girls. It didn't bother her that much but she kind of wished he wasn't so obvious.
“I guess it's further than I thought.” Brad said.
“Oh well. Let's just try to enjoy every moment and not worry about how far we have to walk.” Charlie said as she crouched down to tie her shoe. She looked up to see that Brad had kept walking ahead. Like usual, the perfect gentleman she thought to herself. Deep down inside part of Charlie loved Brad's “Bad Boy” side but at the same time she wished that just sometimes he would be more of a gentleman.
Brad said in a loud voice without looking back, “Come on babe, hurry up. The sun is setting and I wanna go get some booze before it's too late”.
“Coming!” Charlie raced up beside Brad and grabbed his hand.
_________They walked in silence for a couple of minutes as Charlie took in all the sights and sounds. There were birds chirping. A group of adults hurdled around at the intersection laughing and giving each other high fives. A dog wandering the street on it's own sniffing all that it could. Everything seemed perfect.
“Hey babe, let's go in this convenience store” Brad pointed towards a building to the right. “I wanna grab a beer.” He pulled Charlie towards their destination. He opened the door for himself and Charlie managed to squeeze in. They entered the typical convenience store that consisted of all the basics. Charlie glanced around and saw a magazine on the shelf that caught her attention and let go of Brad's hand so she could browse through it. At the same time, Brad headed over to the fridge to grab some beer. There was another group of three people standing in the convenience store. Judging by the loudness of their voices, they had definitely been drinking. It was hard for Charlie to not overhear their conversation over the pictures of (celebrity) at the beach.
“Yeah, like totally, the guy just like bit the other guy.” The ditzy girl said.
“What do you mean bit him?” The older guy with her asked.
“Like he totally bit him. On like the arm and stuff.”
“Hard?”
“Yeah, there was like totally blood everywhere.”
“He musta been smoking some drugs or something”. The man coughed.
Charlie didn't know if she was hearing things right but it sounded like they were talking about someone biting someone. Brad finished paying the cashier, grabbed his 6-pack of beer and started walking out of the store. Charlie put the magazine back and raced, again, to catch up with her boyfriend. She almost tripped over a guy that was lying on the sidewalk. She ran up beside Brad and grabbed his hand. “Did you hear those people in the store?”
“Yeah, what about it?”
“That girl said something about someone biting someone.”
“Yeah, so?”
“Don't you think that's weird?”
“I guess so. Babe you know people do weird things.”
“Yeah, but biting someone?”
“Yeah, maybe he was high on something, who knows babe. Who cares? Let's just grab your camera so we can go get some food or something.”
It didn't seem to phase Brad but Charlie couldn't stop pondering what exactly that group was talking about back at the store.
_________Charlie and Brad were walking up to their room #110 at the motel when they saw a Man and Woman in their late 30s heading to their car. “Beautiful weather.” The man exclaimed.
“Yeah it is isn't it?” Charlie mindlessly responded. She glanced over to see that Brad had completely ignored what was going on around him and was unlocking the door. She looked back to the couple. The woman smiled at Charlie and asked, “Is this you first time in New Orleans?”
“Yeah . We love it.” Charlie smiled back.
“We do too! Our daughter on the other hand, she's being stubborn and wants to watch TV.” Charlie loved children. “How old is she?”
“12, she's staying here while we go get dinner. Would you mind keeping an eye on her?”
“I'd love to!”
_________By the time Charlie had finished chit-chatting with the Man and Woman, Brad was inside drinking his second beer while flipping through the channels. “What'd you guys talk about?” Brad asked.
“Not much. They're here on vacation with their daughter. She's 12.” Charlie kicked off her shoes.
“Cool. You wanna get food or what?” The TV flickered through the channels.
“No, not yet, I told them we would keep an eye out while they go get food.” She squeezed in the bed beside Brad.
“Eye out on what?” Brad continued to channel surf. Flick, (coming up on your local news...) Flick, (For a low price of only...) Flick, (The teams offence is doing really well this season...) Flick.
“Keep an eye on their daughter.”
_________30 minutes had gone by and Charlie didn't even remember what she was watching on the TV. Her mind went blank. She was day dreaming about some animal trying to bite her in a jungle. The animal was standing up though, almost like it was a werewolf. SLAM. It sounded like a door closed. Charlie immediately remembered where she was, when she was, and what she was doing. She smiled at Brad, she saw it was getting dark, she ran to the window. She looked out and saw the girl in the parking lot, she grabbed her shoes. “Hey, the neighbours daughter left her room, I'm going to go see whats up.”
“Hurry babe, I'm getting hungry”
Charlie opened the door and stepped outside. The sun was setting and the temperature was still warm, but for some reason there was a chill that ran straight through her.
Madeline
_________Madeline was a sweet girl. She never made fun of anyone, she always showed respect to adults, she was always polite to everyone she met, she really didn't deserve to have it happen to her.
_________Madeline was bored of watching TV. She was quite intelligent for her age, she was the smartest in her grade, 7. At her age she thought to herself that she loves watching television, but when she watches it she gets bored quick. She doesn't know if she likes watching television or if it's the thought OF watching television that she likes. Not many people her age are that insightful, but she was. She would always come home from school and her parents would tell her to do her homework, but she wanted to watch TV. She would argue with her parents, sometimes she would cry, then when she got her way, she would get bored of watching TV after 1 show. She could never figure out why. She was bored. She turned off the TV and crawled off the bed. I wonder what's taking so long. She grabbed her shoes and opened the door. It was getting late and her parents should have been back by now, they went to get dinner. She heard them talking to her neighbours about “keeping an eye out”, she didn't care.
_________The parking lot was kind of full, there were all sorts of different license plates. One from New York, one from Texas, one from Florida, even one from Canada. “Hey you little girl, where you going?”. The woman from next door came running out. “Where you going girl? Your parents went to get you dinner.”
“I know, they are taking too long.”
“I told them I would keep an eye out, I don't think you should be wandering off”
“They should be back by now.”
Madeline looked up at the woman in her eyes. She had very nice eyes, they were blue, but not like you'd normally see, they were dark like an ocean. “My name's Madeline, nice to meet you.”
“Oh my, nice to meet you Madeline, my name's Charlie”.
The woman seemed nervous, Madeline knew she could trust her. “You think you can help me Ma'am? I want to find my parents.”
The woman looked back at her room, “Of course I can, let me go grab my boyfriend”. Charlie went back to her room while Madeline waited in the parking lot. She could over hear the boyfriend moaning and groaning while he got ready to leave the room. “Let's go find her parents and we can grab food while we are there”.
_________A few minutes went by and there was still no sign of her parents. It was getting darker and darker faster and faster.
Just a quick warning, by the time you are done reading what I have wrote, there will be no end. I'm still in the process of writing. My intention is to get some feedback on the pacing and flow because I know it's off. I was hoping if there was a good author here if they could enlighten me on how to make it flow better. Thanks!
Charlie
_________It was a beautiful day in New Orleans. The sun was setting on the horizon as it illuminated the french quarter that Charlie and her boyfriend Brad were walking through. The streets were filled with empty cups, beads, old food scraps and anything else you could imagine that would be left behind after one of North America's biggest “free” parties had come and gone. Charlie turned to her boyfriend as they walked up the street, “I sure am glad we decided to come to New Orleans for Vacation.”
“Yeah babe, this place is awesome!” Brad responded.
“Thanks so much for coming with me”.
The streets were still populated with left over partiers that were drinking, shouting, laughing and overall just letting it all go. For the most part though, a lot of the crowd had gone back home to lead their normal lives. After all, it had been six days since Fat Tuesday. Brad looked at Charlie with a sour look on his face and said. “I kind of wanted to come during the crazy time.”Brad spun around as he heard the high pitch of a girl in her later twenties scream “PARTY!!” Brad looked back and Charlie, “So whats up babe, what you wanna do?”
Charlie always loved capturing every moment possible but she had forgotten her camera. She kissed Brad on the cheek. “I Wouldn't mind going back to the motel, I left my camera there”
“Ugh babe, you really need it?.”
Of course she needed it. “Come on, it's not that far away.”
“I guess it's only a couple of blocks.”
_________Charlie was 25 years old and was currently a student at Boston College. She was in the process of getting her PHD in finance when she decided to convince her high school sweetheart Brad Palmer to go with her to New Orleans. Brad had wanted to go to New Orleans during one of the weeks before Fat Tuesday when the partying was at its craziest. Fortunately for Charlie, her spring break started on March 3rd and by now most of the partying had died down. Her intention of going to New Orleans was to clear her mind before studying for her finals. She wasn't there to wake up every morning hung-over with a headache regretting her decisions from the night before.
_________Charlie was startled when a man came out from an alleyway staggering. “Blughhhhhh” he puked all over the sidewalk. Brad began to laugh, “Way to hold your **** buddy”. The man looked up with glossy eyes and groaned “Ughhhhh.” They continued to walk up the street. Charlie knew the way Brad was when it came to drinking, he always over did it. She chuckled under her breath, “I bet you will be doing that same thing by the end of the week”.
Brad snapped back, “Like hell, you know I can hold my liquor babe. I can out drink all the guys on the team. After every game when we go to the bar I'm always pounding them back while the other guys tap out after a few drinks”.
Charlie rolled her eyes, “You're probably the only one that thinks its a contest.”
Brad ignored her as he gazed up the street. Charlie looked in the direction where he was looking but couldn't see what he was staring at. Probably some blonde in a bikini. Charlie was a beautiful girl, but she always caught her boyfriend checking out other girls. It didn't bother her that much but she kind of wished he wasn't so obvious.
“I guess it's further than I thought.” Brad said.
“Oh well. Let's just try to enjoy every moment and not worry about how far we have to walk.” Charlie said as she crouched down to tie her shoe. She looked up to see that Brad had kept walking ahead. Like usual, the perfect gentleman she thought to herself. Deep down inside part of Charlie loved Brad's “Bad Boy” side but at the same time she wished that just sometimes he would be more of a gentleman.
Brad said in a loud voice without looking back, “Come on babe, hurry up. The sun is setting and I wanna go get some booze before it's too late”.
“Coming!” Charlie raced up beside Brad and grabbed his hand.
_________They walked in silence for a couple of minutes as Charlie took in all the sights and sounds. There were birds chirping. A group of adults hurdled around at the intersection laughing and giving each other high fives. A dog wandering the street on it's own sniffing all that it could. Everything seemed perfect.
“Hey babe, let's go in this convenience store” Brad pointed towards a building to the right. “I wanna grab a beer.” He pulled Charlie towards their destination. He opened the door for himself and Charlie managed to squeeze in. They entered the typical convenience store that consisted of all the basics. Charlie glanced around and saw a magazine on the shelf that caught her attention and let go of Brad's hand so she could browse through it. At the same time, Brad headed over to the fridge to grab some beer. There was another group of three people standing in the convenience store. Judging by the loudness of their voices, they had definitely been drinking. It was hard for Charlie to not overhear their conversation over the pictures of (celebrity) at the beach.
“Yeah, like totally, the guy just like bit the other guy.” The ditzy girl said.
“What do you mean bit him?” The older guy with her asked.
“Like he totally bit him. On like the arm and stuff.”
“Hard?”
“Yeah, there was like totally blood everywhere.”
“He musta been smoking some drugs or something”. The man coughed.
Charlie didn't know if she was hearing things right but it sounded like they were talking about someone biting someone. Brad finished paying the cashier, grabbed his 6-pack of beer and started walking out of the store. Charlie put the magazine back and raced, again, to catch up with her boyfriend. She almost tripped over a guy that was lying on the sidewalk. She ran up beside Brad and grabbed his hand. “Did you hear those people in the store?”
“Yeah, what about it?”
“That girl said something about someone biting someone.”
“Yeah, so?”
“Don't you think that's weird?”
“I guess so. Babe you know people do weird things.”
“Yeah, but biting someone?”
“Yeah, maybe he was high on something, who knows babe. Who cares? Let's just grab your camera so we can go get some food or something.”
It didn't seem to phase Brad but Charlie couldn't stop pondering what exactly that group was talking about back at the store.
_________Charlie and Brad were walking up to their room #110 at the motel when they saw a Man and Woman in their late 30s heading to their car. “Beautiful weather.” The man exclaimed.
“Yeah it is isn't it?” Charlie mindlessly responded. She glanced over to see that Brad had completely ignored what was going on around him and was unlocking the door. She looked back to the couple. The woman smiled at Charlie and asked, “Is this you first time in New Orleans?”
“Yeah . We love it.” Charlie smiled back.
“We do too! Our daughter on the other hand, she's being stubborn and wants to watch TV.” Charlie loved children. “How old is she?”
“12, she's staying here while we go get dinner. Would you mind keeping an eye on her?”
“I'd love to!”
_________By the time Charlie had finished chit-chatting with the Man and Woman, Brad was inside drinking his second beer while flipping through the channels. “What'd you guys talk about?” Brad asked.
“Not much. They're here on vacation with their daughter. She's 12.” Charlie kicked off her shoes.
“Cool. You wanna get food or what?” The TV flickered through the channels.
“No, not yet, I told them we would keep an eye out while they go get food.” She squeezed in the bed beside Brad.
“Eye out on what?” Brad continued to channel surf. Flick, (coming up on your local news...) Flick, (For a low price of only...) Flick, (The teams offence is doing really well this season...) Flick.
“Keep an eye on their daughter.”
_________30 minutes had gone by and Charlie didn't even remember what she was watching on the TV. Her mind went blank. She was day dreaming about some animal trying to bite her in a jungle. The animal was standing up though, almost like it was a werewolf. SLAM. It sounded like a door closed. Charlie immediately remembered where she was, when she was, and what she was doing. She smiled at Brad, she saw it was getting dark, she ran to the window. She looked out and saw the girl in the parking lot, she grabbed her shoes. “Hey, the neighbours daughter left her room, I'm going to go see whats up.”
“Hurry babe, I'm getting hungry”
Charlie opened the door and stepped outside. The sun was setting and the temperature was still warm, but for some reason there was a chill that ran straight through her.
Madeline
_________Madeline was a sweet girl. She never made fun of anyone, she always showed respect to adults, she was always polite to everyone she met, she really didn't deserve to have it happen to her.
_________Madeline was bored of watching TV. She was quite intelligent for her age, she was the smartest in her grade, 7. At her age she thought to herself that she loves watching television, but when she watches it she gets bored quick. She doesn't know if she likes watching television or if it's the thought OF watching television that she likes. Not many people her age are that insightful, but she was. She would always come home from school and her parents would tell her to do her homework, but she wanted to watch TV. She would argue with her parents, sometimes she would cry, then when she got her way, she would get bored of watching TV after 1 show. She could never figure out why. She was bored. She turned off the TV and crawled off the bed. I wonder what's taking so long. She grabbed her shoes and opened the door. It was getting late and her parents should have been back by now, they went to get dinner. She heard them talking to her neighbours about “keeping an eye out”, she didn't care.
_________The parking lot was kind of full, there were all sorts of different license plates. One from New York, one from Texas, one from Florida, even one from Canada. “Hey you little girl, where you going?”. The woman from next door came running out. “Where you going girl? Your parents went to get you dinner.”
“I know, they are taking too long.”
“I told them I would keep an eye out, I don't think you should be wandering off”
“They should be back by now.”
Madeline looked up at the woman in her eyes. She had very nice eyes, they were blue, but not like you'd normally see, they were dark like an ocean. “My name's Madeline, nice to meet you.”
“Oh my, nice to meet you Madeline, my name's Charlie”.
The woman seemed nervous, Madeline knew she could trust her. “You think you can help me Ma'am? I want to find my parents.”
The woman looked back at her room, “Of course I can, let me go grab my boyfriend”. Charlie went back to her room while Madeline waited in the parking lot. She could over hear the boyfriend moaning and groaning while he got ready to leave the room. “Let's go find her parents and we can grab food while we are there”.
_________A few minutes went by and there was still no sign of her parents. It was getting darker and darker faster and faster.