When he comes

[DieterM]

When my final gasp resounds
through the empty ER room,
when he comes at last,
dust-winged eyeless angel,
I expect him to be wearing
a grey flannel suit, dark shoes
with plastic soles that softly creak
on lino, and a dated newspaper –
creased and stained and yellow –
in his bony hand. He’ll smell
of naphthalene, lavender
and long travels. He will say
in that raspy voice of his,
“Are you ready? Time to go!”
And I guess I will be glad
to leave behind the beeps and wheezes
of the life-support-machine.

[Delta40]

I really like the imagery here and the effective mastery of the auditory and olfactory senses. I would play around with the 'ands' and the structure itself to get the best possible flow you can.

Perhaps use 'beeps' instead of 'peeps'

[Silas Thorne]

When I first glanced at the title, I thought of a Crowded House song 'When you come', then I realised it was something else entirely.

Yes, excellent visual and auditory details here.

As Delta has pointed out, I think many 'and's can be eliminated to come out with pretty much the same meaning though by just altering the punctuation a little, for example, those in the first and third lines, but also a few others, yes.

peeps/pleeps? Ah... It's all in the way you perceive them. I'm in favour of 'dits' and 'duts' myself, but I can hear peeps just ok. :)


Thanks for sharing,
Silas

[The Truth]

The atmosphere this poem lets off reminds me of one of my own and it was about my favorite character in Days of Our Lives not waking up from a coma. I think that unintentional creepy and saddening hospital feel is one of the best aesthetics a poem could have honestly and while I didn't hit the nail on the head exactly, it seems you have.

[DieterM]

TY all for commenting. I changed some minor details because, indeed, it didn't quite flow the way i'd have wanted it to. And and and (see, I put them here?) I took out some "and"s. ;-))

[Hawkman]

Hello Dieter,

this is much better after the edit but there's still one and you should shed. Use "with" instead here:

"and a dated newspaper"

as it stands "wearing" also refers to the newspaper.

There is one other thing I'd suggest making a change to.

"when he comes at last,
dust-winged eyeless angel,"

There isn't much wrong with this, but it could still be improved. You have a couple of options:

"when he comes at last,
the dust-winged eyeless angel,"

or

"when he comes at last,
dust-winged, an eyeless angel,"

it really depends which you prefer. As it is written the first option is still saying what you said originally, but with the addition of the definite article I feel it reads better.

The second option is more descriptive, in that it makes the "dust-winged" refer to the method of his arrival and gives the description of his being an "eyeless angel" more impact.

Regardless of these minor tweaks, you have treated us to a seriously good poem. Much enjoyed, thanks.

Live and be well - H