Ticked

[ampoule]

Ticked

Why did she do it, he asked,
go and spill herself all over the place?
She knew I needed her mesmerizing mystery.
I liked her best
behind lace curtains
in a tall-up tree
hiding from me.
My mind's eye had much better vision,
even in the dark, I could see her, hear her,
even touch her.
But now,
I couldn't care less.


ampoule, August Eighth, TwoThousandTwelve

[Hawkman]

Hi Ampule. Good poem, but lose, "he asked". You don't need it. I'd also be inclined to put "But now" on it's own line so that the rest of the sentence has more emphasis. I have a bit of a problem with, "I could care less" because is doesn't actually say what it means. In English English, rather than the American variety, the expression is, "I couldn't care less."

Live and be well - H

[ampoule]

Thank you, Hawkman. As you will see I agreed with your changes, except the 'he asked'. I'm sure you are right, but I need it to be there. Thank you.

[YesNo]

I'm puzzled by what the speaker thought she did: "spill herself all over the place". What did he think she actually did? I agree with you that the "he asked" is necessary to state that the speaker of the passage is a male and he is talking about a female. So I assume the "spilling" has to do with some sexual behavior, but I don't know what it was.

[ampoule]

you have perhaps heard the term "spilled her/his guts". does that help?

[firefangled]

Amp, This has such a personal tone, I also think you could do without naming who is speaking. It is clear.

There are two other places where a few minor changes will make the piece stronger:

You don't need "when she knew." Make "place" the end of the first sentence and make " I needed her mesmerizing mystery" a statement, rather than a question. Also, start line 8 with "I" and lose "My mind's eye." This keeps "dark" figurative, but without spelling it out.

Enjoyed reading as usual.

[ampoule]

Thank you, Fire. I'll take two for now. I'm sure it would be better without 'my mind's eye', but I need it there for now. ....sheepish grin....