Chaos.

[Delta40]

So go on,
scrape your gravel round,
along bitumen gutters
with dried up holes.
I can almost see the
fluorescent orange jacket
flash as you work,
toil,
your boots kicking
up quartz and shale
of rocky unrest.

Yes siree!
any minute now
all will be filled
with boiling, bubbling tar
made so memorable
by your roadworks craft
and hot breath
panting down my neck

till at last I feel a new day rise,
penetrate through me
while you watch the sun slowly set,
having glimpsed my vast horizon.

[Delta40]

I have to submit this elsewhere guys and would appreciate feedback first.

[MystyrMystyry]

I must confess I was expecting the line: 'six inches of arsecrack' somewhere near the punchline ;)

Seriously though, you have a method of holding and expanding a metaphor throughout the length of a piece that gives a cohesion to your work like no-one else I can think of. This tends to be your style, the Deltaesque, the unique-to-yourself style. Your instincts are usually right and usually result in the trademark fluidity from first line to last. I'm not sure how to describe it - encapsulation comes to mind, but also synergy. In your shorter work there's a sense of wishing it were longer to see how long your stamina can maintain the larger allusion.

The strength of this one is in the subject and the road building/construction conceit. You're taking us on a journey on a road not yet complete. You're building as the road is being built. The 'you' in a fluorescent jacket is secondary to the orgasmic climax and release of the voice.

There are bits that jar, for a start the 'work, toil' tautology is unnecessary, reads like the interchangeable clues in the daily crossword.

The Yes sirree! can definitely go.

Or it can stay - but it seems glib and in too sharp a contrast with the rest. It's a no thought throwaway.

There are a few others like 'I can almost see the ~ jacket': too many words. Why almost? Because you're imagining it? If you're imagining it surely you CAN see it. And the colour descriptor is superfluous it got me thinking that were it not included would I imagine orange or green/yellow, would it even matter? In or out it's fine, but if the goal is to keep the poem short then less is more obviously

And 'by your roadworks craft' feels clumsy.

Other than that it's a fine Delta offering I reckon :)

Incidentally, where is it being submitted with such urgency?

[Delta40]

Wow! thanks MM. I quite like the Yes siree because of its glibness. You may be right about the almost with the jacket thing but consider that the N isn't acutally watching a roadworks here, only using it as a metaphor.

I quite like the road works craft line as a referral to his handling of everything between them.

I am submitting it to a uni blog

Thanks again.

[firefangled]

Delta, I love reading your poems and MM is correct about your distinct style. You need a website called Deltacatessen.

I also think the line "toil" is jarring and unnecessary. Yes siree has an appropriate mocking tone IMO, as does your roadworks craft.

However, your craft is pure delight to read.

[Delta40]

Lol. Deltacatessen - I love it! I'm definitely going to use that somewhere....

thanks so much for your comments FF. I'll consider the jarring toil and see if I can improve upon it

[Hawkman]

Hi Delta, as a metaphor for sex it's a bit overwritten. You should definitely cut the offending "toil" but I'd go further and suggest excising the next three lines too. It's just too much roadworks and makes the transition to the more personal a little abrupt and jarring.

I love the laconic style of the piece.

Live and be well - H

[Jeos]

For me with this one you are getting into the sphere of true poetry ...yeeesss.

[Delta40]

For me with this one you are getting into the sphere of true poetry ...yeeesss.

I love the mixed responses to this one which suits its name Chaos. This poem is more about emotive chaos and lack of cohesion than an extended metaphor for sex.

[Hawkman]

That's as maybe Delta, but those four lines at the end of S1 spoil the flow of a very good poem. If you take them out and reread it, hopefully, you'll see what I mean.

Live and be well - H