two of my stories still in progress

[scainjel]

the forgotten

centuries pass, the world grows weak and ill mannered!! they awaken to a glow of light unforeseen by the darkness that thrived in the souls of humanity in their time...the fear they feel overwhelms and on the search for their brethren they encounter the mechanics of modern life. "these people know nothing" they think in unison...i whisper to his mind, we shall remind them of their true nature and the truth that has been forgotten...the demon nods and smiles a reassuring grin!



as they pass through the streets stalking the thoughts of the peasants they believe to be sheep of a in justice they once fought to destroy. they ask questions, they read current scripture, they analyze the ways of the current society...To themselves they laugh, amazed by some advancements and appalled by others, they make it their destiny to combine their current situation with the better parts of the lives they left behind.." Their will be a revolution of mind body and soul in the years that pass" they cry out drunkenly into the night...as they start their journey!!! FOR THEY ARE THE MASTERS OF THE FORGOTTEN!!!

Lidia's story

The intruder had stepped too far into the shadows for the lost child to ever break away from his clutch...once it was a simple world where the thoughts didn't drift through her head.." where am I going" she often asks herself, always with no reply. She can feel herself getting more and more entangled in the branches that confuse the path that lay before her. A primal instinct hides within her, but lost to the toxins that flow through her veins. What is normal? The very definition is abnormal by today’s standards. Yet so many people push for you to live by this definition, the very people that crave abnormal behavior.

The randomness of her thought dissipated as she went lingering into the hall. Dear sir, she asks, “my mother is not here do you really have to be?” but with no reply, he puffs on his pipe...last night she had been out and about in the city down at the local tavern...many children preferred the atmosphere there and it was so common for the people to gather there that they encouraged the local children to interact there..So they were adjusted to life by the time they were old enough to truly interact...

She had noticed a foreigner sitting at the table and walked over. She remembered the conversation vividly...apparently the young woman’s family had been torched in an abnormal house fire...she was a bounty hunter and had tracked the villain who had set the fire to this town as of a few days ago...Lidia asked the traveler why she hadn't been questioning the towns folk...the reply,” it's intuition you have to test. Being casual and interacting as normal. Seeing if anyone looks out of the norm or if anyone seems conspicuous...

Lidia walked outside intending on spending this day doing that very thing ...looking to see how people interacted and who acted out of the norm...she watched all day where ever she traveled..at one point she noticed a boy that was playing with some friends and wondering to herself why he seemed so distant...she had seen him around her village almost every day but today there was a darkness about him...she walked up to him to get his attention and without haste he told her to go away when normally he would tease her and torment her when she came near...she found this very baffling and decided to do some digging. she stopped by the boys house later on that evening to see his mother crying and the boy lashing out at her ..."it's your fault" the boy yelled..The mother crying hysterically ...listening longer she discovered that the boy had been turned down for a really good apprenticeship based on something his mother had done...the girl knew the boys intentions were never bad...she knocked on the door to interrupt the fight...the boy answered *' what do you want" she started to cry and scream at the boy...It can't be that bad if you were really up for apprenticeship your mother actions wouldn't have changed anything...then she ran off.

[scainjel]

saddened by the heart felt strings that were attached, she made her way out into the prairie lands...a stick in her hand and a few assorted things," where would this dusty trail lead "the vagrant runaway asked her self...pondering her own question, she set out to find a new home, somewhere in the wastelands of America!!!!



her companions had parted ways with her years ago and they had all gone to their separate destinations....but she liked it here, the howling wind at night that flowed through the caverns made by the mountain like hills that covered the open plains....the weather was soothing and it was like a vacant plot of land left uncovered from the depth it took to arrive at such a lonely place



she had met a companion recently yet its been years that they've been together... he gives new perspective and thought to situations that didn't look as clear in her eyes...she envied him , the way he saw life and circumstance!! she hoped he felt the same!!

[Steven Hunley]

Here's an example from the first one:

'as they pass through the streets stalking the thoughts of the peasants they believe to be sheep of a in justice they once fought to destroy. they ask questions, they read current scripture, they analyze the ways of the current society...To themselves they laugh, amazed by some advancements and appalled by others, they make it their destiny to combine their current situation with the better parts of the lives they left behind.." Their will be a revolution of mind body and soul in the years that pass" they cry out drunkenly into the night...as they start their journey!!! FOR THEY ARE THE MASTERS OF THE FORGOTTEN!!!

Lidia's story

The intruder had stepped too far into the shadows for the lost child to ever break away from his clutch.'

To start with it needs proper capitalization. And they are "stalking the thoughts of the peasants they once thought to destroy" ? Why is that? How is that? Then:

"Their will be a revolution...etc" There is the word to use here, not their.

And then in all caps, 'FOR THEY ARE THE MASTERS OF THE FORGOTTEN!!"

This must be a very important line to be in all caps. Perhaps it contains some very important forgotten esoteric lore. How would I know? I probably forgot. I sure can't tell from the proceeding text as there isn't a clue. And how does a shadow keep the child secure in his clutches? I'm not sure of that either.

Because this piece is so obscure and filled with random images, with no clear path of where it's leading me, I decide to abandon it at once. Too many mistakes and confusion for this reader for sure. So forget about Lidia too, it's too full of mistakes and confusing prose. A bunch of mixed up sentences does not a paragraph make.

Clarify and simplify and ask yourself, "What exactly do I want to say, and how can I say it clearly?"


The second one is no better. A stick? What's she doing with a stick anyway?

And the last paragraph "...the way he saw life and circumstance!! she hoped he felt the same!!"

Do you mean the way he saw life and circumstance (S?) she hoped that one day she'd feel the same way, or she hoped she'd feel the same as him or what? It's not clear what you're saying, and because of that, what you mean. They both need revising and proof-reading. People can only make suggestions if they know what you're aiming at. In this case the writing is so muddled, they haven't got a clue. Before you post something on a public forum and display it to the entire world, be sure to do your homework,and know for sure what you want to say. If we knew that, there are plenty of writers here that would help. Once they see you're serious, they'll spring into action. Good luck.

[scainjel]

to be honest, I've never been good at writing. i just posted these for fun, because I'm out of work and bored out of my mind, and broke..

[Steven Hunley]

I understand completely. It's summer, I just ended an assignment and I'm out of work, searching for a job, and bored out of my mind too. The reason you didn't get any reponses before this is because the people here a generally polite,and would most likely tend to say nothing than be critical of your work.

It's a sad state of affairs we're in, for us as individuals and the nation too.

I'll tell you a secret. Paul Gauguin, the French painter, lived a crazy life. In the course of his life he gave up his seat on the Paris stock exchange, his wife and family and fled to various islands and foreign places in seach of the savage and primitive life. He only made money on and off and borrowed it left and right. When you look at his paintings, they seem a mess of crazy unco-ordinated colors. But when you study them closer, you see that the colors are in complete harmony, and make perfect sense. I think his painting was his outlet, his triumph of control in what was otherwise a completely crazy-random life.

To me, writing offers much the same thing. At heart I'm shy and never seem to say things right. But writing is different. You have a million and one chances to say things right, and make it look like the first time. You can even plan what's said in response and in a nut-shell --create a perfect world.

It's been a process of discovery for me, and a valve to let off steam.

So keep practicing. Dig into the heartache and suffering, the stigma of unemployment, the whole nine yards of all that. You can't control the world but you can control your written word, and find some satisfaction in that, in the same way Gauguin worked in paint.

[scainjel]

thank you... and i do agree!
I like having an outlet. I'm sorry that my grammar is so bad. It just always has been. .. but i appreciate your outlook and it gives me a sincere spark of hope. I don't mean to be annoying or anything else.. I just am trying to find satisfaction ( like you said ) when times are tough!!! ,... I hope you find work soon.. I , honestly pray every night for employment .. take care!! p.s. I'm definitely more of a worker bee than an artistic bee.. ( :

To be honest the first story "the forgotten" was a failed attempt to lash out about how much the world has changed in such a small amount of time and try to urge people into being passionate about the ideal of a step back or at least slowing down the pace... I think it only came of as that to myself though....

Lidia's story was suppose to go into more detail. But it's the scene setter for her future self , kind of a back drop. i know it failed . but it again was an attempt to make people passionate about a time long ago were things were more simple.. it was suppose to be set in mid evil times or at least the Renaissance...

as for the run away... it was a self portrait of how i came to the point I'm at in life,,,

You know. It's sad. Alot of people fantasize and romance about mid evil and Renaissance times... and it's because most stories about that time frame ( that i'm aware of) depict the hero, the scandal, the vagrant, the knight, the king , and the queen... but none really go into a tell tail traverse into the life of the popper or homeless.. those that starved and begged and lived in fear of repercussions from the authority, those that felt ill most of the time and were surrounded by death constantly... i think that would be a good book...

[Steven Hunley]

Your last entry sounds like a scenario. Peasants have a tough time living back then. You tell your story from the viewpoint of a single character, either a man or woman or youngster. They fear the plague. They fear the local officials. One day they are out hunting on the king's (duke's-whatever) property. A man, dusty and muddy needs help of some sort. They help him out. Turns out he's the king or whatever. In gratitude, he raises the peasant to a postion of power. How does the peasant handle it? What kind of favors do the people that know him expect of him? What becomes of him then?

You study- learn proper grammar, punctuation and spelling. You read books, novels, history, etc. You research like crazy. You write the story. Sounds like a winner to be, but then again, I'm usually overly-enthusiastic!

[miyako73]

You're such a kind fellow, Steven. You take time when you comment.

There are two kinds of readers in this forum. Those who comment and those who critique. We need more of those who critique. At least to me, to critique is not to criticize. Saying "that's crap", which is a criticism, is not a literary critique to me.

[scainjel]

i was more putting it out there cause i hoped someone else would wright it, then i could read it... i could never accomplish something like that!!! lol