The Setting Sun

[E.A Rumfield]

The Sun peaks out from behind
a vast mountain of gray clouds
it turns pieces to a pure white
and the sky to a majestic shade of blue
far off in the center all is gold
and its rays can be seen shedding
their final light across this dying day
as if broadcasting a message to
the farthest reaches of our
wretched world, if only we could
understand what she had to say
but we talk and talk yet fail time
and again to communicate, is there
hope still for our people, we seem
so confused, weighted down by
years of so called progress and
bureaucratic inefficiencies, programed
so we cannot appreciate the beauty our
mother so graciously bestowed upon us
her most ungrateful children, the sky
changes it hue, as the clouds shift and
dissipate, I watch the sun shine through

[Jeos]

Hi,

Fine vocabulary, beautiful content but it lacks compactness (in terms of contemporary renowned poetry.)
Yet it remains of very agreable reading.

[E.A Rumfield]

Thank you. I what ways do you think it lacks compactness?

[Jeos]

Some phrases are too long. Secondly there is the way you "jump" from description of nature to "We".
Basically all the difficulties in poetry (or in anything else) are a matter of rhythm but that rhythm doesn't come in a plate... we've to conquer it, to construct it.
It means that the raw coal we receive under inspiration must progressively be sculpted in a diamant.
Since we are here ALSO to learn from each other, do not hesitate into comment my little creations, may I suggest you my "Song of Descendancy or "Because of You" .(Another possible title would be" Hitchcock" since it's partially a fiction).