If the heart could sing

[LostPrincess13]

If only the heart could sing
Silent yearnings would take wing
As I'd weave a haunting melody
Of aching sadness and blissful memories

If only the heart could sing
Then I'd have a song to play
As I walk the deserted streets
On the day you went away

If only the heart could sing
You would get to hear
The mournful notes of the soul
Who holds you very dear

If only the heart could sing
It'd sing of tears, laughter and sighs
It'll be a tune of forever
In a world of goodbyes. . .

[dannYves]

I love the song-like melody you have going on. .. allow me to critique one thing that kind of eats away at me while reading this, because its so beautiful.. .

If only the heart could sing
Silent yearnings would take wing
As I'd weave a haunting melody
Of aching sadness and blissful memories


1st line: 7 syllables
2nd line: 7syllables
3rd line:9 syllables
4th line:11 syllables

1st line. ..7 syll
2nd line.. .7 syll

3rd line.. .9 syll
4th line.. .NINE SYLLABLES

The 4th line doesnt fit with the rest of the poem’s syllability (if theres such a word lol)... count the syllables of evety line and you will see a common denominator, but the 4th line, first stanza.

Absolutely beautiful piece , as i said before its like a song

[Gilliatt Gurgle]

...


Wonderful LP and nice to see that you're still checking in from time to time.

[LostPrincess13]

I love the song-like melody you have going on. .. allow me to critique one thing that kind of eats away at me while reading this, because its so beautiful.. .

If only the heart could sing
Silent yearnings would take wing
As I'd weave a haunting melody
Of aching sadness and blissful memories


1st line: 7 syllables
2nd line: 7syllables
3rd line:9 syllables
4th line:11 syllables

1st line. ..7 syll
2nd line.. .7 syll

3rd line.. .9 syll
4th line.. .NINE SYLLABLES

The 4th line doesnt fit with the rest of the poem’s syllability (if theres such a word lol)... count the syllables of evety line and you will see a common denominator, but the 4th line, first stanza.

Absolutely beautiful piece , as i said before its like a song

Hello Dan! LOL! To be honest, I wasn't paying much attention to form or any of the technical stuff. It was... to get something off my chest. :) But thank you! It was a very good observation; I knew something was a little off but I just couldn't put my finger on it! Now I know what it is. :D Thank you very much!

Gilliat! Hello dear friend! I just happen to have some time on my hands again, so I thought I'd visit. :D

[Emil Miller]

Hello Princess,

I've only just noticed your return to the forum as I don't take much notice of the poetry section but it's nice to see you back. I won't comment on your poetry as I don't write it myself and am hardly qualified.
Anyway, this one's for you:

She Walks in Beauty

She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes:
Thus mellow'd to that tender light
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.

One shade the more, one ray the less,
Had half impair'd the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress,
Or softly lightens o'er her face;
Where thoughts serenely sweet express
How pure, how dear their dwelling place.

And on that cheek, and o'er that brow,
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,
But tell of days in goodness spent,
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent!
- Lord Byron (1814)

[dannYves]

Hello Dan! LOL! To be honest, I wasn't paying much attention to form or any of the technical stuff. It was... to get something off my chest. :) But thank you! It was a very good observation; I knew something was a little off but I just couldn't put my finger on it! Now I know what it is. :D Thank you very much!

Gilliat! Hello dear friend! I just happen to have some time on my hands again, so I thought I'd visit. :D

Well welcome back :-)
I'm new here.. by the way, your poem is beautiful, the small critique I made was only a suggestion and something I noticed but it was absolutely beautiful and I enjoyed reading it!! Hope to see more of your poems and of the muses inside your thoughts

[LostPrincess13]

Well welcome back :-)
I'm new here.. by the way, your poem is beautiful, the small critique I made was only a suggestion and something I noticed but it was absolutely beautiful and I enjoyed reading it!! Hope to see more of your poems and of the muses inside your thoughts

I wrote this one after this. Was on a roll. :D

http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?t=70333

WELCOME TO LITNET! :banana:


Hello Princess,

I've only just noticed your return to the forum as I don't take much notice of the poetry section but it's nice to see you back. I won't comment on your poetry as I don't write it myself and am hardly qualified.
Anyway, this one's for you:

She Walks in Beauty

She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes:
Thus mellow'd to that tender light
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.

One shade the more, one ray the less,
Had half impair'd the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress,
Or softly lightens o'er her face;
Where thoughts serenely sweet express
How pure, how dear their dwelling place.

And on that cheek, and o'er that brow,
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,
But tell of days in goodness spent,
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent!
- Lord Byron (1814)

Awwww! I love that poem! Thank you!:blush:
I WAS going to surprise you with a well thought out email. But I guess I'm not as stealthy as I thought I was.:smilielol5:

[Emil Miller]

Awwww! I love that poem! Thank you!:blush:
I WAS going to surprise you with a well thought out email. But I guess I'm not as stealthy as I thought I was.:smilielol5:

Don't worry, I will send you one.

[LostPrincess13]

Don't worry, I will send you one.

lol It has been a while. :)

[Emil Miller]

lol It has been a while. :)

Sure has, but I've just Emailed you a billet-doux .

[Jeos]

LOSTprincess?! Not in respect to poetry...! I bow to your shakespearian talent and I'm looking forward to read you in free verse.

[LostPrincess13]

LOSTprincess?! Not in respect to poetry...! I bow to your shakespearian talent and I'm looking forward to read you in free verse.

You, sir, are too kind! It has been a while since I did free verse though. :D

[kittypaws]

LostPrincess...

I enjoyed your poem and it speaks the truth of the broken heart.

kittypaws

[LostPrincess13]

... it speaks the truth of the broken heart.



Well. . . :blush:

[aliengirl]

A beautiful poem! It sounds like a song and it seems you had fun writing it. :)