Silence.Night.Chaos...

[Jeos]

In contrast to the word -
- to the bustle of speech
there are things
that only silence
the movement of silence
can say ...

Listen. Listen around you.

Lethal like daggers
there are silences that kill
others that hurt
others that still bleed ...

but what moves us most
to make us speechless
is this guttural silence
this original cry :
- the silence of Chaos ...

between the azure night and
the starry firmament
I walk through the corridors of eternity
grand opens the doors of infinity and listen
to the only silence that is really golden ...

[Bar22do]

Hey, Jeos, I think I know what you're talking about. But allow me a little interference. I would suggest you make some changes, not necessarily those that I'm going to write in here, of course, it's only my approach, and subjective. Hopefully, just of some help to you:

In contrast to the word -
- to the bustle of speech
there are things
that only silence
can say ... (this whole S reads a bit too much of a cliché, plus I'd disagree "the bustle of speech" is necessarily "word". I'd start with what follows)

Listen. Listen around you.

Lethal like daggers
there are silences that kill (you don't need "that kill")
others that hurt
others that still bleed ... (here I'd think of adding one or two example of positive silences, too, because of what "moves the most" in later S)

my take of this S:

Lethal like daggers
are some silences, some other hurt,
or still bleed

but what moves us most
to make us speechless
is this guttural silence
this original cry :
- the silence of Chaos ...

my take of this S:

but only that guttural silence,
an original cry,
moves truly -
the silence of Chaos...

between the azure night and
the starry firmament
I walk through the corridors of eternity
grand opens the doors of infinity and listen
to the only silence that is really golden ...

my take of this S:

in the dark blue night
eternal corridors guide my steps,
I cross wide open doors
and touch the golden stars -
infinite, calm.



Enjoyed reading you, best of all!

[Jeos]

Hey Bar, "1.bit too much of a cliché" - you are right.

2. from "lethal like daggers" until "the silence of chaos" - do not entirely agree. What you propose is interesting prose, not contemporary poetry. As for the positive silence: near the end of my texte silence becomes positive. But even if it was 'negative' until the end...Baudelaire would understand me.(all proportions taken into account...).

3.'and touch the golden stars -
infinite, calm.'
Again interesting prose and you didn't notice the connection between "the silence of the chaos"......and "the only silence that bis really golden" I mean the latter IS the former...!
Poetry doesn't have to be too explicit.

Honored by your involvement
J.

[Bar22do]

I noticed, I did, Jeos. My suggestions (only suggestions!) were a potential material for a more compact poem (or, I thought, a bit inspired by it). To me "the only silence that is really golden" doesn't show much, especially if I am to see a guttural sound, an original cry. Also, it reads kind of heavy to me 'eternity' and 'infinity' in one sentence. To read "silence" so many times in a short poem was also a bit too much.
But as I must have mentioned before, Jeos, I'm not a poetry specialist. I only share my impressions and/or feelings as I read, unable to give technical reasons that may lie behind them. For this, you need the help of a poet who is acquainted with terminology and theory. But I still hope our exchange is constructive and I wish to remind you that I enjoy reading you.