Bian Lian

[ampoule]

Bian Lian

You say I am a quick changer,
too many faces, too many places
for you to hold on to.

You grasp and squeeze too tightly,
I schmooze and ooze between your fingers,
you shake them off, amazed.

You watch with fear, succumbing,
my crafty craft molds your audience,
first one thing and then another.

You want to walk away, maybe run,
but you are too mesmerized by me,
my many masks, entertaining.

You soothe me into dreamy sleep,
upon your bedside perch you search
the secret doors of my hidden faces.


ampoule, July TwentyFirst, TwoThousandTwelve

[Hawkman]

Hello ampule. This is a very clever poem I really enjoyed it, but I'm not sure that the asterixes are doing it any favours. I kept trying to work out what expletives had been deleated. It might be better just to use stanza breaks. Oh, and never use comic sans!

I have a bit of a problem with this line: "You watch with fear succumbing" the syntax is awkward. You could tidy it a bit by putting in a comma after fear and I'd be inclined to alter the order of the lines here:

"My crafty craft molds your audience,
first one thing and then another;
You watch with fear, succumbing."

Which makes a bit more sense.

Great idea to use the craft of Bian Lian and tie it into relationships.

A good read, thanks.

Live and be well - H

[YesNo]

I had to look up Bian Lian after reading this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bian_lian

I liked how the last two lines referred to the hidden faces of the viewers with the rhyme sounds on "search" and "perch" and alliteration on "search" and "secret".

[ampoule]

Hello ampule. This is a very clever poem I really enjoyed it, but I'm not sure that the asterixes are doing it any favours. I kept trying to work out what expletives had been deleated. It might be better just to use stanza breaks. Oh, and never use comic sans!

I have a bit of a problem with this line: "You watch with fear succumbing" the syntax is awkward. You could tidy it a bit by putting in a comma after fear and I'd be inclined to alter the order of the lines here:

"My crafty craft molds your audience,
first one thing and then another;
You watch with fear, succumbing."

Which makes a bit more sense.

Great idea to use the craft of Bian Lian and tie it into relationships.

A good read, thanks.

Live and be well - H

I never thought about the asterix standing for an expletive. Thank you. I definitely do not want anything like that in this poem. And the comma, thank you. The order of the lines I will have to think about. Live and be well to you too! :)

Oh....and why never use comic sans?

[Hawkman]

Because Comic Sans, especially in purple, makes a piece of literature look like a playgroup notice! Ghastly font! No self-respecting typographer would use it :D

Live and be well - H

[Bar22do]

Thus, he still holds on to the many faced Narrator! He must be quite a piece of a guy! And it looks as the N knows her craft indeed! A good read, I enjoyed, ampoule! Merci beaucoup! (though I was disturbed with the colour - hard to read)

[Delta40]

Don't worry about Hawk - he's British :D. But do be mindful how you present your work before you post it. Purple is a little hard on the eyes. I couldn't stand the asterisks and failed to see why you used them in an otherwise very good poem.

Comic Sans is fine with me and you can have fun with it. I used it once this way: http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?t=56686

[ampoule]

Happy to oblige on the color. But I just love comic sans. I'll try to be more 'serious' next time. ;) Thanks to all of you, for even reading.

[Delta40]

Happy to oblige on the color. But I just love comic sans. I'll try to be more 'serious' next time. ;) Thanks to all of you, for even reading.

I think you should read the reviews next time :)

[ampoule]

I must have missed something?

[ampoule]

Thank you Delta40. I like how you used it. I enjoyed it.

[ampoule]

Don't worry about Hawk - he's British :D. But do be mindful how you present your work before you post it. Purple is a little hard on the eyes. I couldn't stand the asterisks and failed to see why you used them in an otherwise very good poem.

Comic Sans is fine with me and you can have fun with it. I used it once this way: http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?t=56686

Thank you, Delta. I enjoyed your poem very much and the way you used the font and color.

[Hawkman]

Comic Sans is still a ghastly font :ack2:

You really should reconsider about the line order in S3 though.

The trouble with "You watch with fear, succumbing" is that it's a closing statment and the following line doesn't flow naturally from it. You could put a full stop at the end of this line but it stalls the flow of the verse. Layed out as I suggested the verse forms a coherent sentence. In fact the verse would also read well as:

"First one thing and then another,
my crafty craft molds your audience
(as/and) you watch with fear, succumbing."

bracketed addition optional.

Just something for you to think about.

Live and be well - H

[Revolte]

You soothe me into dreamy sleep,
upon your bedside perch you search
the secret doors of my hidden faces.


ampoule, July TwentyFirst, TwoThousandTwelve



This made the whole piece, for me. I'm not sure about the first stanza. It almost contradicts in skill. I think it's the faces and places rhyme that is bothering me. It just sounds sort of ugly, when clearly you can write something a lot better.

That is just me though, I've never been a fan of the aces rhymes.

[miyako73]

schmooze and ooze? A phrase or an expression like that makes a poem sound thoughtless and immature. The last line, "the secret doors of my hidden faces," tells me though that there's nothing immature in you as a poet.

[Jeos]

YOU-ARE-TALENTED even if the last stance is a little bit "cliché" as we say often in this forum...;-)

[ampoule]

Jeos, I am honored that you would say that. I am a poet and person in progress. Thank you.

[Jeos]

Jeos, I am honored that you would say that. I am a poet and person in progress. Thank you.


You're welcome, but... you are honored just because I say it or because you already read some of my texts...?

:Angel_anim:

[ampoule]

Just because.