My First Poem

[Volya]

What I would give to see that smile
To hear her beautiful laugh
Just one more time
But now the dark raven has flown
She is with us no longer
And will never be mine

How when she was scared
She would come close to me
I would stroke her hair
And we'd stay there 'til dawn
I would protect her, I would love her
But now she is no more

================

This is my first attempt at poetry, and I personally think it's pretty bad...
But I've been meaning to try writing poetry, so hopefully this will get some useful feedback :)

Volya

[Charles Darnay]

If you want honest feedback, it is a bit cliché.

Poetry is hard - personal poetry is harder (why I don't attempt it too often.) The challenge is that you have to express feeling without expressing feeling. The idea of loss is ever present in poetry, and I don't think it has lost all value - but subtly is needed, which is not here present.

[PrinceMyshkin]

I endorse most of what Chas. Darnay said. The problem, I think, isn't so much with what you present but with the state of mind from which you produced it: a very conscious state of mind, one that was too much aware that it was engaged in writing poetry. My experience has been that my own poems come out of a dreamlike state of mind, but how you can willfully put yourself in that state, I don't know.

[Revolte]

The challenge is that you have to express feeling without expressing feeling.

What he means is, or so I assume (no lynching please), is to use images to represent the emotion. Rather then flat out saying it, which usually only works well in speech (dialog), but not so much as an entire piece.

It is cliche, but this sort of cliche is a common starting ground. So it's nothing to feel bad about. You can take a cliche topic and create something that hasn't been done. You just use uncommon images instead, or make your own.

I'm not gonna waste your time by telling you how to focus in on what you're writing, and how to present it. Everyone has their own process. And there are so many different subjects and ways to use them.

Seeing as how this is your first, what I will do is cut some time out of figuring it all out (I wrote to myself, by myself, without the help of others for a good number of years or use of internet and books. You're lucky to have found this place early on.)

So here is a fun little project for you, without having to start from scratch and use a vague blank space.

Take this piece itself, exchange the blunt parts for images that represent the lines. Rather then express the emotion itself, give the emotion a body and a purpose.

Also, note that dark raven is redundant. As Ravens are black, something like like rainbow raven would work because you don't see that with every encounter, or any. But it doesn't fit the context here, so don't actually use that.

Do that, then post the updated piece in this thread and we will go from there.

Keep the original piece here as well, so we can work through steps and have something to look back at.



If you're sort of confused as to what I'm trying to say to do, a fun way may be to get inside of another creature, or object and give it life. Even oranges have a flesh that rips and in a way bleeds. Of course you could drink the blood without overdosing on iron, but that works too you know.

Anyway, try (My thought sometimes scatter) my suggestions and lets see what we can do.

[Jack of Hearts]

It's as good a first step as any. We lord around here like we're fit to tell you how to take your own journey, or even whether you should. If there's something you liked about writing this, then keep going. Find your way.







J

[AuntShecky]

If you want to write poetry, the first thing you ought to do is start reading it-lots of it, in all styles from various centuries.

When you read the poems, ask yourself not just what the poet is trying to say, but how he or she is saying it. Be aware that a poem is a marriage of two things-- content and form.

Keep writing, not just when you're "inspired" or when you get the urge, but to train your mind in the discipline and craft of verse writing. "Learn by doing."

When you think you've got something there, post it right here on the LirtNet. If your effort deserves praise, you'll get it-- but if not, remember to take criticism in a constructive way, not as an insult, but as a way to improve your craft.

Oh yeah-- keep your eyes and ears open. Observe the world around you, the people in it. Get in the habit of noticing things, seeing connections. The first rule of writing --any kind of writing-- is that it is about something.

PS -- Take heed of Prince's advice (#3 above.) Read T. S. Eliot's essay, "Tradition and the Individual Talent." When he describes the difference between a good poet and a bad poet, he says that the latter is "conscious when he should be unconscious and unconcious when he should be conscious."

Never begin a work with the idea, "Now I'm going to write a 'poem.' " That's what being over-conscious means. This doesn't mean you shouldn't take the work seriously, but it does mean you shouldn't take yourself seriously!

[Adolescent09]

Hey AuntShecky that's pretty stellar advice. In your books I would be a bad poet but who am I kidding... I'm not really a poet at all! I just like playing games with words :angel:

[Revolte]

Never begin a work with the idea, "Now I'm going to write a 'poem.' " That's what being over-conscious means. This doesn't mean you shouldn't take the work seriously, but it does mean you shouldn't take yourself seriously!

Sometimes poems turn into prose. Sometimes an arbitrary sentence turns into a poem. Sometimes you bang your head on a cup of coffee at twelve in the morning and spill all over yourself and have to make more and laugh at yourself.

So she's right, but it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with setting out to write a poem either.

Art has this annoying quality of having a few select greats, a decent amount of goods and one too many pieces that aren't that good at all. You win some you lose some, it's part of the fun.

She is also right about reading other work from other poets. Not everything is going to blow your mind, I can't stand a good lot of beloved poets. BUT, it's a good way to sink in the feel of what you're doing. And like she said don't focus on what they are saying but how.

It's one part training and one part nonsense.

Oh! And because no one has mentioned this yet, sometimes it's a great thing to go back to earlier work and rewrite it. Even if it's not as good as recent work. Believe it or not it makes a difference. I dunno why though, I'm not gonna dissect it either. I just know it made some things click for me.

[Volya]

I'm back, and I've written more :)
However I haven't actually changed or improved on the original poem, I've just written a new one. I think it's better, but I'm not really sure if it counts as a poem as it seems more suitable as lyrics. It's a very different mood to the original.

'The death of the king
Is a wonderful thing
For the loss of the monarchy
Brings us to anarchy

Blood in the streets
Death in the air
When will they realize
The king doesn’t care'

I also wrote a variant of that:

'Blood in the streets
Death in the air
Death in the air and the king doesn’t care
The king doesn’t care
That we kill and we fight
We kill and we fight cause we don’t know whats right

We’re killing and fighting
We ain’t gonna stop
Ain’t gonna stop ‘til we come out on top
When we’re on top
Things gonna change
And if they don’t change we’ll go do it again'

Any better?
Volya

[Jerrybaldy]

as a man I can only do one thing at a time and having just read your first poem I would just congratulate you as that is probably better than most of your commenters first poem and if it is as personal as it sounds then it has no need to hide behind poetic tricks.

best wishes
jerry

[Jeos]

without taking it too seriously, follow AuntShecky advice Twota...!

[Revolte]

'The death of the king
Is a wonderful thing
For the loss of the monarchy
Brings us to anarchy

Blood in the streets
Death in the air
When will they realize
The king doesn’t care'



I like the first stanza, in its cute and simple political nursery rhyme which I do love so very much.

But the second stanza contradicts the first. It suggests that Anarchy is a state of chaos, which is a common misunderstanding but isn't truth. Anarchy in its simplest meaning is Without rulers, not without rules. So there is a mix of feeling between being in an anarchistic environment, to being in a post-revolution authoritarian environment "blood in the streets, death in the air"

However, it kind of seems like the second stanza should be the first. Which makes the feel a bit more fluid.

The only thing is Anarchy is a hard word to use, in terms of how it feels when read.

I like the sentiment though, as an anarchist ;)

Getting rid of "the" before "monarchy" helps that line transition to the next.

Or maybe:

"For the loss of the monarch
brings us to anarchy"

I'm weary about the two "the"s so closely together though.

Or you could get rid of the word anarchy all together but keep the sentiment with something like:

"For the loss of monarchy
brings us to commune"

Anyhow, just ideas.


Keep at it!

[Volya]

I like the first stanza, in its cute and simple political nursery rhyme which I do love so very much.

But the second stanza contradicts the first. It suggests that Anarchy is a state of chaos, which is a common misunderstanding but isn't truth. Anarchy in its simplest meaning is Without rulers, not without rules. So there is a mix of feeling between being in an anarchistic environment, to being in a post-revolution authoritarian environment "blood in the streets, death in the air"


When i use the word anarchy, I mean in the sense of chaos, rather than the political meaning.

I'll also be adding some more verses sometime in the near future.

[Revolte]

When i use the word anarchy, I mean in the sense of chaos, rather than the political meaning.

I'll also be adding some more verses sometime in the near future.

Careful with that, it's a misuse of the word. It doesn't actually mean chaos.

I know it is a very common misuse, but a misuse all the same.

Anarchy (from the ancient Greek ἀναρχία, anarchia, from ἀν an, "not" +‎ ἀρχός arkhos, "ruler", meaning "absence of a leader", "without rulers"

It's used as a slur the same way Gypsy is, for similar reasons. But history isn't the point here. While it's commonly used to mean one thing, it's really just being put in the wrong context (also like how subconscious is often used when unconscious is the correct term).

[zoolane]

What I would give to see that smile
To hear her beautiful laugh
Just one more time
But now the dark raven has flown
She is with us no longer
And will never be mine

How when she was scared
She would come close to me
I would stroke her hair
And we'd stay there 'til dawn
I would protect her, I would love her
But now she is no more

================

This is my first attempt at poetry, and I personally think it's pretty bad...
But I've been meaning to try writing poetry, so hopefully this will get some useful feedback :)

Volya


Well I have same comments as everyone, you haven't display any emotion, language and vision. Personal I think is what poem is all about. Language is best of all because you look up words and mess up with them and obvious words to describe how you feel within poem is not way the way go.


This your poem but in different format.


My heart gave way when her smile was no more.
The silence carrys her laugh gentle to me.


The darkest came for her.
She held tight my hand as well as my breath.

The golden dawn is flooded my sight.
As my hand touch the light.

We became one.
I try to make the shadow away but it stay.

She slow melted before my eyes.
I am woke now from dream or reality?

[Volya]

Well I have same comments as everyone, you haven't display any emotion, language and vision. Personal I think is what poem is all about. Language is best of all because you look up words and mess up with them and obvious words to describe how you feel within poem is not way the way go.


This your poem but in different format.


My heart gave way when her smile was no more.
The silence carrys her laugh gentle to me.


The darkest came for her.
She held tight my hand as well as my breath.

The golden dawn is flooded my sight.
As my hand touch the light.

We became one.
I try to make the shadow away but it stay.

She slow melted before my eyes.
I am woke now from dream or reality?

I knew when I wrote it that it was a bad poem. I'm poor at poetry in general, story-writing is what I'm best at. Also, the second poem I wrote in this thread is a tad better than the first, so take a look at that one too,

[zoolane]

I'm back, and I've written more :)
However I haven't actually changed or improved on the original poem, I've just written a new one. I think it's better, but I'm not really sure if it counts as a poem as it seems more suitable as lyrics. It's a very different mood to the original.

'The death of the king
Is a wonderful thing
For the loss of the monarchy
Brings us to anarchy

Blood in the streets
Death in the air
When will they realize
The king doesn’t care'

I also wrote a variant of that:

'Blood in the streets
Death in the air
Death in the air and the king doesn’t care
The king doesn’t care
That we kill and we fight
We kill and we fight cause we don’t know whats right

We’re killing and fighting
We ain’t gonna stop
Ain’t gonna stop ‘til we come out on top
When we’re on top
Things gonna change
And if they don’t change we’ll go do it again'

Any better?
Volya


The first poem remind me of nursery rhyme slang, second poem not really to my taste because it repeated after first line. Also less or more same as first stanza in poem. If you go said same thing in other part of poem change wording, to me, you to have be lazy.

[Volya]

The first poem remind me of nursery rhyme slang, second poem not really to my taste because it repeated after first line. Also less or more same as first stanza in poem. If you go said same thing in other part of poem change wording, to me, you to have be lazy.

How on earth is that laziness. They weren't intended to be different poems. The first was a short bit I wrote, the second was adapted to be more lyrical/songlike. And how is it like a nursery rhyme?

[zoolane]

I like the first stanza, in its cute and simple political nursery rhyme which I do love so very much.
Keep at it!

The second poem to me personal does not flow or sound right went said aloud. Laziness because you can said same thing but with words or phrase but you did not so to me have try anything which make different from other poem.

[Volya]

The second poem repeats about two lines of the first. It is not laziness. It would be laziness if i said, 'hey, heres a completely different poem' then just wrote that. And if you were reading it properly, it does have a flow to it in my mind how I envision it. It seems to me your opinion is biased purely because I did not like your short story.

[zoolane]

I do not hold any grudge against you, all said is that you could try experiment with poetry because it good to develop your imagination,vocabulary,language and as writer.

[Volya]

I do not hold any grudge against you, all said is that you could try experiment with poetry because it good to develop your imagination,vocabulary,language and as writer.

OK, for a start, nowhere did you say that. You just offered up reasons why it was bad. I DO experiment with poetry, hence the two I posted here. I enjoy reading poetry, and writing it (usually), although I am not too good at it :)
I honestly prefer writing stories, which is why I focus more of my time writing them than poems.

[zoolane]

OK, for a start, nowhere did you say that. You just offered up reasons why it was bad. I DO experiment with poetry, hence the two I posted here. I enjoy reading poetry, and writing it (usually), although I am not too good at it :)
I honestly prefer writing stories, which is why I focus more of my time writing them than poems.

Voyla, Please where did I said that your poems are bad because all offer is my opinion on them apart went I said your second poem is not my taste. Poetry is not about being good that it, about understand how display or express yourself through words.

[Volya]

Voyla, Please where I said that poems are bad because all offer is my opinion on them apart went I said your second is not my taste. poetry is about good it about understand how display or express yourself.

If it weren't about 'good' then why would people ask for advice on writing them? I agree that it is about expressing and having fun, but it is also about being able to write well.

[Lykren]

I liked the first poem better. I guess it felt like you put more care into it, that it was actually driven by something you had felt.

How to improve? I don't think anybody's advice can help you do that. The only thing in your power to do is to practice and practice. I don't know of any other rule.

It feels good to feedback, but ultimately only you can change your poems.

[Volya]

I liked the first poem better. I guess it felt like you put more care into it, that it was actually driven by something you had felt.

How to improve? I don't think anybody's advice can help you do that. The only thing in your power to do is to practice and practice. I don't know of any other rule.

It feels good to feedback, but ultimately only you can change your poems.

Actually to be honest, the first poem doesn't really represent my general feelings as much as the second xD Although the first does still draw partly on my real emotions, and I tried to show them in it, I don't think they're a very good representation of how I feel...

[zoolane]

Maybe pick topic or subject matter and try to write two poems but different from each other.