Optical Anatomy

[miyako73]

The vessels gave up long ago
When the emerald turned blood,
And the nerves soon followed
like a death after a long storm.

I could not solve the puzzles
About the lights and my pupils
That did not free the shadows
Lurking in my detached retinas.

They scraped my dead corneas
Like how one licked his fingers
To save the circles of my irises
That saw the day and its colors.

I lost both lenses in an instant
When the tub water looked gray,
When the dark paper boat sank
After he left without me knowing.

[Revolte]

Over all I enjoyed it.


"That did not let go the shadows
Lurking in my detached retinas."

I would suggest changing "let go the shadows" to something else if possible. "let go of shadows" perhaps. Maybe change did to would.

[miyako73]

Thanks for the suggestion. I think "free" is better than "let go" whose "of" is odd.