The Man With Green Eyebrows

[MystyrMystyry]

There are districts in my town
Where you dare not explore
They're dank, dark and gloomy
The ground's coated in gore

The people who dwell there
From hands to their toes
Their long fingers do stretch
Then back to their nose

With black sockets for eyes
Peering straight through
Ready to pounce with claws
Sharp sure to pierce you

Their chins are so pointy they
Scrape lines in the floor
Huge feet like mallets which
They'll stomp on you sure

They're all bad news but one
Of whom to be most wary
The Man With Green Eyebrows
Who is particularly scary

From a corkscrew shaped head
Floppy ears wrap around
Which both keep the thing warm
And to muffle the sound

Of his breathing so deeply one
May think it was thunder
With some rattles and rumbles
Below, beneath, and under

There's a stillness like death
Whenever he draws near
It being a signal to run for it
Ere struck down with fear

Beyond imparting this there
Is no advice I can give
But to avoid all those areas
Where these fiends live

For their intentions are sinister
And their methods are gross
And there'll be nothing so bad
As your own personal loss

[AuntShecky]

[
Okay. This is a funny little piece, in a "gallows humor" sort of way.

There are, however, some sticky spots in the meter, a couple of instances of hyperbaton ("Yoda speech"), and lines that are just plain awkward. Maybe you'll want to revise them? (Just a suggestion.)


Their long fingers do stretch
Then back to their nose

Their long fingers stretch out,
going back to their nose


With black sockets for eyes
Peering straight through
Ready to pounce with claws
Sharp sure to pierce you

Misplaced modifier (possibly could be fixed with some punctuation.) The way it stands now, though, it looks like the "eyes" are doing the pouncing. Rework the last line in that stanza--
Surely sharp to pierce you.

Something's off with the line breaks in this stanza:

Their chins are so pointy they
Scrape lines in the floor
Huge feet like mallets which
They'll stomp on you sure

Their chins are quite pointy,
scraping lines in the floor,
where their mallet-like feet
will stomp you for sure.



From a corkscrew shaped head
Floppy ears wrap around
Which both keep the thing warm
And to muffle the sound

The last two lines of that stanza sound awkward, as they are not parallel in structure. The following two lines could be expressed more smoothly as
well:


It being a signal to run for it
Ere struck down with fear

"It being" is not ungrammatical, but it's not particularly poetic, even for light verse.


Beyond imparting this there
Is no advice I can give
But to avoid all those areas
Where these fiends live

Other than imparting this,
there's no advice left to give:
But steer clear of those spots
Where these fiends lurk and live.

All of the following are just suggestions. As I said, the piece is funny. Please keep posting these entertaining fruits stemming from your unique vision.

[Jack of Hearts]

Auntie just gave Dr. Seuss a physical!

MM, you are one pleasantly strange cat. This reader was thumbing through your archive last night and your work really reflects that sentiment.






J

[MystyrMystyry]

Thankyou Aunty :)

Scathing! ;)

You make a quantity of valid points as usual of course, and I could easily agree with most. It was a mad dash to complete it by (my time) midnight while it was still Friday 13. I know the metre jolts, but I was aiming for a spoken deadpan of foreboding rather than a happy tune. Not that that matters - I should have given it a proper going over before posting, and remembered that aims are often different to outcomes.

I'll look at it again after I've woken up. :)

[MystyrMystyry]

Thanks Jack :)