Ode to Thanatos

[Alexander III]

There he sits, by the bar;
Drinking his vodka
And savoring his cigarette.
His Misery is there too.

And he shall stand, and he shall face his Misery;
Like some Demi-God of ancient Greece.

After he has finished his drink
And smoked his final cigarette.

There he sits, on the cushion;
Eating his lunch
And watching television.
His Loneliness is there too.

And he shall stand, and he shall face his Loneliness;
Like some Demi-God of ancient Greece.

After he has finished his lunch
And his episode has ended.

He was looking at the stars
When Death saw him and smiled;
He fell to his knees and asked
For a final cigarette and drink.
He was offered neither.

On his tomb is writ:
Here lie the remains of a man
Of great Cowardice and even greater Beauty.
Weep stranger for never shall you see
Such a Coward, who thought himself
A Demi-God of ancient Greece.

[Bar22do]

Fun, and a good surprise at the end, Alex. I would only object re the N being a coward, for me he is rather a pathetic feeble, narcissistic individual who gets excitement in life from being a permanent victim! (taking himself for a demi-god is only compensatory here!) I would suggest not to capitalize Misery, Loneliness. I think it is not necessary. Best to you and thanks for sharing!

[Jeos]

Hi Alexander,

until,

"Here lie the remains of a man
Of great Cowardice and even greater Beauty.
Weep stranger for never shall you see
Such a Coward, who thought himself
A Demi-God of ancient Greece. "

I really loved it

reminds me a poem from Maya Angelou.

[Hawkman]

I'm not sure I get the relevance of the title. Thanatos is either the personification of Death, or a post-Freudian Deathwish. I can only assume your reference to be ironic. Interesting poem though.

[Alexander III]

Fun, and a good surprise at the end, Alex. I would only object re the N being a coward, for me he is rather a pathetic feeble, narcissistic individual who gets excitement in life from being a permanent victim! (taking himself for a demi-god is only compensatory here!) I would suggest not to capitalize Misery, Loneliness. I think it is not necessary. Best to you and thanks for sharing!

I was wondering about the capitalization as well, thanks for the advice and as always thanks for reading and giving your opinion


Hi Alexander,

until,

"Here lie the remains of a man
Of great Cowardice and even greater Beauty.
Weep stranger for never shall you see
Such a Coward, who thought himself
A Demi-God of ancient Greece. "

I really loved it

reminds me a poem from Maya Angelou.

Thank you, what would you say is wrong or bad about the last stanza, do you think I should cut it out?


I'm not sure I get the relevance of the title. Thanatos is either the personification of Death, or a post-Freudian Deathwish. I can only assume your reference to be ironic. Interesting poem though.

I was talking about the greek god, because in the poem it seems to me, that even more so than the character of Death, it is the narrator who is the true personification of death, for what is his life if not an existence devoid of life. The true meaning of death, no something but rather the lack of life, is expressed in this narrator.

[Hawkman]

I'm afraid it doesn't really come over like that. Perehaps the title should be ode by Thanatos. The narrator, as the personification of death, shouldn't refer to himself as Death. If the subject of the narration is supposed to represent Death, then, "Like some demi-god of ancient Greece" would be better as, "this Demi-god of ancient Greece." But it still doesn't really work because the subject and the narrator are confused.

An interesting idea though, with some nice touches.

Live and be well - H

[Alexander III]

I'm afraid it doesn't really come over like that. Perehaps the title should be ode by Thanatos. The narrator, as the personification of death, shouldn't refer to himself as Death. If the subject of the narration is supposed to represent Death, then, "Like some demi-god of ancient Greece" would be better as, "this Demi-god of ancient Greece." But it still doesn't really work because the subject and the narrator are confused.

An interesting idea though, with some nice touches.

Live and be well - H

I can see your point, often the creator over thinks things and removes them too much from the reader. Titles have always been a weak point of mine, if I could ask you a favor what do you think a good title would be?

[Alexander III]

There he sits, by the bar;
Drinking his vodka
And savoring his cigarette.
His Misery is there too.

And he shall stand, and he shall face his Misery;
Like some Demi-God of ancient Greece.
After he has finished his drink
And smoked his final cigarette.

There he sits, on the cushion;
Eating his lunch
And watching television.
His Loneliness is there too.

And he shall stand, and he shall face his Loneliness;
Like some Demi-God of ancient Greece.
As soon as his lunch is finished
And the episode has ended.

He was looking at the stars
When Death saw him and smiled;
He fell to his knees and asked
For a final drink and a final cigarette.
He was offered neither.

On his tomb is writ:
Here lie the remains
Of great Cowardice and greater Beauty.
Weep stranger for never shall you see,
Such a Coward, who thought himself
A Demi-God of ancient Greece.

[Jack of Hearts]

There he sits, by the bar;
Drinking his vodka
And savoring his cigarette.
His Misery is there too.

Ok first three lines, stinker of a fourth. You've phrased his 'Misery' into a class of noun that can have place, rather than a state of being. But wtf for? You don't describe it, interact with it or even really personify it. It just reads melodramatically and heavy handed, like we're supposed to connotatively think something about 'Misery' without any effort from you. You're making the reader do the work here.


And he shall stand, and he shall face his Misery;
Like some Demi-God of ancient Greece.
After he has finished his drink
And smoked his final cigarette.

Hate the first two lines. They take themselves far too seriously, and the first one uses the ugly tone that the word 'shall' seems to tow around with it. The last two lines are there to show that the character is procastinating, which becomes the crux of your poem in the poem's final line.


There he sits, on the cushion;
Eating his lunch
And watching television.
His Loneliness is there too.

There seems to be a temporal/locational shift in the narrative. Why? Nobody knows. The character was in a bar. At least we had location, and you at least had the opportunity of realizing something about the environment as it pertains to whatever it is you really wanted to express in this poem. But now the character is just on a cushion, eating lunch and watching TV. And you're doing that 'thing' again, this time with 'Loneliness.' Whatever you're trying to do by directly pulling these abstract concepts into the concrete, it really isn't working for this reader (see the bit about 'Misery'). It just reads like you're dumping stuff in while saying to your readers 'Make a poem out of this, I don't care enough to.'


And he shall stand, and he shall face his Loneliness;
Like some Demi-God of ancient Greece.
As soon as his lunch is finished
And the episode has ended.

Same thing as the other stanza it approximates. More procastination. More of that undue gravitas is demanded. This poem deals with nothing tangible and doesn't attempt to describe anything abstract. It occurs to this reader that there's something inherently absurd in it's construction. The concepts of 'Misery' and 'Loneliness' are each giving a stanza like the one above, and each are also pulled into the concrete realm in the two other stanzas. But this poem has nothing at all to say about either loneliness or misery. That's ridiculous.


He was looking at the stars
When Death saw him and smiled;
He fell to his knees and asked
For a final drink and a final cigarette.
He was offered neither.

Not sure if the title is supposed to play in here, but since it is an 'Ode to Thanatos,' the death drive... why doesn't the character see 'Death' first? Actually, nevermind that question, here's another. Why is this poem called 'Ode to Thanatos'? The character doesn't seem driven to destroy himself. He just seems lazy. Which may have been your point. But thanatos seems to suggest things like motorcycles, drugs and amazing stunts-- not forgetting to make it to a 3 o'clock meeting with Messieurs 'Misery' and 'Loneliness'.

If this poem had a different tone, more wit, more self awareness, there's a killer two lines in this stanza. The last two. But they go to waste, like gold trimmings on a rusted oil tanker.

On the local level, there's not much technically wrong with this stanza in comparason with the others, other than the introduction of 'Death.' Another abstract concept undefined in any meaningful way yet made concrete is just what this poem didn't need.


On his tomb is writ:
Here lie the remains
Of great Cowardice and greater Beauty.
Weep stranger for never shall you see,
Such a Coward, who thought himself
A Demi-God of ancient Greece.

There's no saving this stanza, though. Was he cowardly because he procastinated? We're never made to feel fear, or suspect that the character feels fear, in this poem. And why the character is beautiful, who knows. It's only in this stanza that we come to realize that at least two other stanzas in this poem were written to be sympathetic to the POV of the character in it (the stanzas that describe his procastination). Apparently the character thought himself a demi-god of ancient Greece, and that he would face the undefined 'Misery' and 'Loneliness' with gusto. But because he didn't, he dies. This reader is glad he's dead.

This poem is empty. That's the opinion of someone who actually spent the time moving in and out of it. You had nothing compelling to say here-- all packaging and no product, and what's worse is the packaging is garish and in bad taste. You're asking for readers that will reach for the packaging and buy the empty box like fervored animals, and be content. Until you push yourself to actually say something real, you deserve that readership.








J

[Alexander III]

Ok first three lines, stinker of a fourth. You've phrased his 'Misery' into a class of noun that can have place, rather than a state of being. But wtf for? You don't describe it, interact with it or even really personify it. It just reads melodramatically and heavy handed, like we're supposed to connotatively think something about 'Misery' without any effort from you. You're making the reader do the work here.



Hate the first two lines. They take themselves far too seriously, and the first one uses the ugly tone that the word 'shall' seems to tow around with it. The last two lines are there to show that the character is procastinating, which becomes the crux of your poem in the poem's final line.



There seems to be a temporal/locational shift in the narrative. Why? Nobody knows. The character was in a bar. At least we had location, and you at least had the opportunity of realizing something about the environment as it pertains to whatever it is you really wanted to express in this poem. But now the character is just on a cushion, eating lunch and watching TV. And you're doing that 'thing' again, this time with 'Loneliness.' Whatever you're trying to do by directly pulling these abstract concepts into the concrete, it really isn't working for this reader (see the bit about 'Misery'). It just reads like you're dumping stuff in while saying to your readers 'Make a poem out of this, I don't care enough to.'



Same thing as the other stanza it approximates. More procastination. More of that undue gravitas is demanded. This poem deals with nothing tangible and doesn't attempt to describe anything abstract. It occurs to this reader that there's something inherently absurd in it's construction. The concepts of 'Misery' and 'Loneliness' are each giving a stanza like the one above, and each are also pulled into the concrete realm in the two other stanzas. But this poem has nothing at all to say about either loneliness or misery. That's ridiculous.



Not sure if the title is supposed to play in here, but since it is an 'Ode to Thanatos,' the death drive... why doesn't the character see 'Death' first? Actually, nevermind that question, here's another. Why is this poem called 'Ode to Thanatos'? The character doesn't seem driven to destroy himself. He just seems lazy. Which may have been your point. But thanatos seems to suggest things like motorcycles, drugs and amazing stunts-- not forgetting to make it to a 3 o'clock meeting with Messieurs 'Misery' and 'Loneliness'.

If this poem had a different tone, more wit, more self awareness, there's a killer two lines in this stanza. The last two. But they go to waste, like gold trimmings on a rusted oil tanker.

On the local level, there's not much technically wrong with this stanza in comparason with the others, other than the introduction of 'Death.' Another abstract concept undefined in any meaningful way yet made concrete is just what this poem didn't need.



There's no saving this stanza, though. Was he cowardly because he procastinated? We're never made to feel fear, or suspect that the character feels fear, in this poem. And why the character is beautiful, who knows. It's only in this stanza that we come to realize that at least two other stanzas in this poem were written to be sympathetic to the POV of the character in it (the stanzas that describe his procastination). Apparently the character thought himself a demi-god of ancient Greece, and that he would face the undefined 'Misery' and 'Loneliness' with gusto. But because he didn't, he dies. This reader is glad he's dead.

This poem is empty. That's the opinion of someone who actually spent the time moving in and out of it. You had nothing compelling to say here-- all packaging and no product, and what's worse is the packaging is garish and in bad taste. You're asking for readers that will reach for the packaging and buy the empty box like fervored animals, and be content. Until you push yourself to actually say something real, you deserve that readership.

J

:biggrin5::biggrin5: Touche. But you did bring up a fair amount of points which I had not thought of. Thanks for the time and effort.