Asphalt Kid

[miyako73]

I follow you as you wait
For the green traffic light
To turn yellow then red
Before crossing on foot
Towards the parking lot.

You hold your briefcase
Tight as if I will grab it,
Push your wallet down
Further in your pocket,
And check your watch.

Your dark suit looks new
And it seems expensive,
Your tie is silk or satin,
Your shoes are glossy;
You are dashingly stylish.

My bare feet on asphalt,
My face soiled by dust
Should not scare you,
Nor should my dirty hand
I open for begged alms.

I follow you to your car
To see your eyes again
As you open the window
And beg you to answer me
If God's eyes are also blue.

[Delta40]

This isn't one of your best. It leads me as a reader step by step to the final two lines (which I like) in a rather telling yet uneventful way and without any real impact Miyako.

[AuntShecky]

A thoroughly realistic, finely expressed observation which I'm willing to bet will resonate with anyone who's been unfairly targeted by prejudice. An argument against the questionable practice of "Stop and Frisk" as well as other controversial laws which amount to de facto oppression against minorities.

This stanza could use a tiny "tweak":

My bare feet on asphalt,
My face soiled by dust
Should not scare you,
Nor should my dirty hand
I open for begged alms.

My bare feet on asphalt,
Nor my face soiled by dust
Should not scare you,
Neither should my dirty hand,
Held open to beg for alms.


Your poem is not at all overly polemic nor ponderous--just an accurate and succinct picture with subtle power. The closing stanza is terrific. Well done!

[Delta40]

Strange how we have two different takes on it.

[Alexander III]

I liked it, the final two lines tie everything in perfectly, the imagery is clear thought I should say that the rhythm of the verse is off, the pace with which it moves does not seem right.