Love spreads like a jungle on fire

[Jeos]

Hello,
my texts are written first in Portuguese and then translated into English and French - so my mother tongue is Portuguese. The translation of my own creations is a task so arduous as exciting and it increases the risk of exposure ... but since those who never venture never really live, here's one of my little creations:
( Dear BAR22 thank you for your generous and encouraging welcome)

LOVE SPREADS LIKE A JUNGLE ON FIRE

What we cannot describe
only the eyes of the heart -
still intact as a
dewdrop - can see it.

Welling from the depths of the sky
the rainbow announces the good news:
- Ripe at last the fruit of the eye
is about to be harvested.

Yet in the same space
and in another time
carried by the shimmering sound of waves
volatile & mysterious blooms
the flower of love…

and even if lightning reduces to sand
the castles before built
on the air of time
love spreads
like a jungle on fire ...

JEOS (D'Almeida J.)

[Delta40]

I like the first stanza very much. I'm not into love poems too much myself so its probably my personal taste getting in the way more than anything else. I suggest you use 'and' instead of & when you write as well. The romance is obvious but I cannot see the actual progression of the poem itself.

[Bar22do]

Hey again, I must agree with Delta, I too kind of keep away from love poems, but I guess it's a question of age, too, and you seem to be a very young person indeed.
Also, & (ampersand) is nowadays used in the formal names of businesses or when addressing a couple in a letter; it's better to avoid it in poetry.
I would prefer "I" to the general "we" in this poem.
I believe it's very hard to translate poetry. I myself am a French and Hebrew speaker, but I always write in the language a poem presents itself in. It's like I have no choice. When it comes in French, it goes to another file or/and forum...

My take of your poem, if you care to consider (without forgetting my English leaves to desire):

Only a heart
intact as a dewdrop
sees what I can't describe:

a rainbow over the ripening fruit
about to be harvested -

so soon! the memory
still scents mysterious blooms
of the first season

while love, in the summer air,
spreads like a jungle fire.

Hope this is of some help to you, Jeos... Have you read Pessoa?

Good luck to you!

[Jeos]

Your suggestions stimulated me a lot thank you. "I", "we" and "&":

- This is puzzling but whenever I can I avoid the "I" - I do not like to confess myself and secondly I see poetry - among other things -as a means of overcoming the tendency we have to identify with the body and its tributaries (I appreciate a lot the poetry said "mystical", I myself I am of vedic background ); so perhaps the theme of my poem is not "ordinary" love between human beings.

"&" - Here yes I confess: I copied it from William Blake. Stratagem that was in fact much appreciated by Brazilian literary critic R. Suttana (I published some poems in Brazil).
PESSOA: If I had not read Pessoa I could not consider myself a true Portuguese.:wink5: Pessoa is our Shakespeare ... no, not really - I have to find another example. Our Shakespeare is Luis de Camões whose main work is the epic in verse of our maritime discoveries.

Greetings

[Delta40]

I see your point Jeos but also consider it this way. I think poetry can be rather personal at times. When we remove the 'I' and replace it with 'we', we're removing the essence or power of the poem itself. When I first started writing, I found it incredibly hard to use first person. It was as if I was trying to avoid putting any part of myself into whatever it was I was creating. Later, I overcame that and realized alot - not all has to be 'I' if one wants the effect they are looking for. 'We' is a collective and the reader is aware of that and it depersonalizes the piece by putting us all there. When 'I' is used, the reader has the chance to relate to the poem at a more individual level, interpret it in their own unique way and even decide 'these words speak only to me' and keep it for themselves, excluding everybody else.

My point is, depending on the theme, there are poems where 'I' definitely is more appropriate than 'we' and vice versa and just keep that in mind when composing.