Rehearsing

[Bar22do]

The sunbaked earth refuses your footprints
on your voyage west, to Saul’s Hill.

Anyhow, we carry you, tiny dots
under close watch of lengthening shadows
over sand, rocks, concrete, through
dazzles of silver worms in the air,

a mute cortège of the yet unharvested –
who first, who second – rehearsing
for that bone-full vastness above,
which right now is blinding: us, not you -

angels hushed down too in June furnace.



On Saul's Hill slopes lies Jerusalem's largest cemetery


(Jerusalem, June 30, 2012)

[hack]

It is quite touching Bar.

[Delta40]

I love the the second stanza Bar. Seems like a powerful aerial view image to me from the Almighty and continues on into the third. What a way with words you have. For this poem, seemingly broken and incomplete, yet still full of flow as we reach the ultimate end - so appropriate to the nature of its theme. I especially liked:

a cortège of the yet unharvested –
who first, who second – rehearsing
for that bone-full vastness above,
which right now is blinding: us, not you -

[paradoxical]

This was very moving and rather melancholy in a good way, and the fact that it was written in Jerusalem makes it seem especially powerful. Although I have to admit that I have no idea who Saul was or what role he played in the Bible.

A professor one told me that it's important to be familiar with the Bible because it is often referenced in literature. I also wish I knew more about Jerusalem. Your poem has inspired me to dust off my copy of the Oxford Annotated Bible and start reading tonight. I think I'll also look up some information on Jerusalem. It's never too late to learn.

[Bar22do]

Thank you for reading and commenting hack, Delta and paradoxical. I meant to create ambiguity when mentioning bone-full vastness above, for me both heaven and/or the bone-full hill where the cemetery lies. No idea if it felt that way. But the Saul's Hill is imposing and makes one feel so very little when one approaches it.
Saul was a great king, somewhat problematic, perhaps because he was the first (and the people were not supposed to have a king at all!) but a rich personality indeed. The actual hill and the neighbourhood were named after a less famous Saul, a community rabbi, though.
As for Jerusalem, I'm in the process of creating a new album in my profile, to share some of my insights into this truly unique place.
Thank you again.

[Mojtaba-Iraqi]

You are awesome Bar.
It is really great when a writer mixes historic facts within his texts, rather than abstract feelings.
I really like reading the holy Bible too and I'm about to finish reading it, and will try to memorize some of its verses. Besides, I'm reading different commentaries and exegesis on the Bible.
I'm a fan Bar. Keep sharing your great works.

[Jerrybaldy]

sometimes reading your poems is like wringing out the soul. It even verges on the sanctimonious but human touches within always save it from the danger of browbeating. If you know what I mean :D

[Hawkman]

Since folk either gush blind admiration or ignore you, it is down to me to give solid feedback.

L1: "The sunbaked earth refuses your footprints"

This should read 'our' footprints. Your footprints is illogical here, the other is revealed to carried, so is unlikely to be putting foot to ground.

S2: lose "anyhow". In context this reads as any which way, or in a haphazard manner. "silver worms in the air," is rather baffling. What exactly are you trying to convey with this phrase?

S3: "who first, who second –" you should lose this, it disrupts the flow and in context is just digressive and irrelevant.

Lastly, I'd recommend dispensing with the last orphan line, which reads as a not particularly coherent afterthought.

Address these issues and you'll have a good, atmospheric and emotionally charged poem.

Live and be well - H

[Jerrybaldy]

Solid feedback? You alone? Dont you just edit? call me controversial or call me on a Tuesday or dont call me at all . Never call me on a Wednesday. Hawk you are priceless. Put me out my misery and tell me your age.. 57 maybe ? I am 47 I I am younger than yowwwww. If litnet were a dating agency I would post bar4hawk. but its not so i wont. I am not responsible for my posts. We are not having a summer this year and I need sun its making me as grouchy as ****. I hate England. I need sunshine.

[MystyrMystyry]

Interesting images and choices of words, and I realllly like the vagueness of it. It has an atmosphere unto itself, sort of timeless yet impending.

[Bar22do]

Oh boy: sanctimonious, one more step and I'm damned. I must have a drink, Jerrybaldy :cheers2: to cool down.
I've just learned a new word from you: "browbeat", I love it, don't be surprised if I happen to use it in one of my soul wringing things. But what can I say, folks keep dying, the cemetery up there IS intimidating as is this burning sky.
For the rest, friend, no weather will excuse you, :devil: , "if you know what I mean." I have cats at home and in the garden. I teach them not to catch birds.
MIraki I'm so happy I have one fan! Thank you and I'm glad you read the holy Bible, look for meanings behind the stories...
Hawk, I wish someone, once, gushed blind admiration, only once (and only if deserved to the point one would not need to see)...! what a pleasure that would be! and what a victory over my language problems! It has never happened yet, I'm afraid.
Thanks heavens, I don't really feel ignored either (that would be so very sad).
Constructive comments give always matter for thought and improvement. So thanks for yours. You have some good points, but I was not going for logic here, though I can't explain you why I wrote it the way I did. The closing line is coherent with the tradition and I hoped with what preceded...
MystyrM, thanks a lot for your kind reading, much appreciated!

[Bar22do]

ah, and "dazzling worms in the air" - look into the sunny air, you'll soon distinguish in it worm like glitters moving rapidly...

[munkinhead]

ah, and "dazzling worms in the air" - look into the sunny air, you'll soon distinguish in it worm like glitters moving rapidly...

Eldila?

[Mojtaba-Iraqi]

look for meanings behind the stories

Bar, I'm a non-christian. Do you have any suggestion concerning comprehensive and dependable commentaries?

[Jeos]

Liked it . " us, not you -" you is anyone in particular?

[Bar22do]

Eldila?

munkinhead, Gosh, no! no beings or I'm not informed. Only (subtle) physical tiny, restless sparkles of light in the day air. Anyone can see them anywhere
Iraki, I know you're not a Christian. I'll PM you with suggestions.
Jeos, thanks for reading, too. "You" refers to the one who's carried... sorry if I was not enough clear for you in this one.
Hawk, I tried "our footprints" etc... it changes the meaning slightly, though I agree it sounds more logical.
Thanks to all.

[Delta40]

Solid feedback? You alone? Dont you just edit? call me controversial or call me on a Tuesday or dont call me at all . Never call me on a Wednesday. Hawk you are priceless. Put me out my misery and tell me your age.. 57 maybe ? I am 47 I I am younger than yowwwww. If litnet were a dating agency I would post bar4hawk. but its not so i wont. I am not responsible for my posts. We are not having a summer this year and I need sun its making me as grouchy as ****. I hate England. I need sunshine.

Lmao! Delta coughs more red dust from her lungs and expects the Olympic games will have cracking good weather and fair commentary :banana:

[PrinceMyshkin]

This poem struck me like an unexpected blinding ray of sunshine.

[firefangled]

At the risk of going blind, this was a moving piece and I enjoyed reading it.

I think the use of second person is fine in S1. There is a literary convention for this, as if the narrator is speaking to him or her self as if another person. I can't remember what it is called, but I see it used all the time: Kay Ryan, Louise Gluck, Charles Simic to name a few I've read recently.

The only thing that caught me off guard was the silver worms in the air. I did take it for granted that it was something the narrator was seeing and wondered what they represented. What came to mind was the conqueror worm to fill in the blank in an unsatisfactory way.

I thought you presented Saul's Hill well, effectively dominating everything below it, as death sometimes seems to do. The last line for me was keeping with the atmosphere you had created before it; the sounds repeating and descending appropriately.

[Bar22do]

Thanks a lot Prince, thanks a lot Fire.

Does anyone notice those tiny light-worms dancing in the air when the sun is strong? It's a simple physical-light phenomenon, enough to plunge one's eyes into the air with a bit of attention...
Shadows going through them - as if negating light - is charged with meaning, of course, but to start with it's something really simple to see.

[AuntShecky]

Another verse from Bar, another glimpse of "The Unfamiliar" -- which is exactly the realm which modern artists are supposed to explore. But speaking of "unfamiliarity," "silver worms in the air" is quite a bizarre image (at least to me); I can't for the life of me figure out what this metaphor is supposed to represent, but its presence is arresting--that's for sure. Overall, your verse seems like a summary of a tour rather than a theatrical rehearsal, but I think I have an idea of what the folks are rehearsing for.


The sunbaked earth refuses your footprints
That's quite an inventive description. Either a desert is so sandy one's footsteps immediately get filled in, or as in this case, the ground is so hard and dry that no amount of weight can make an impression. Even so "angels" in their non-corporeal state wouldn't make a mark on mud. So this little bit of personification is quite imaginative.

I am wondering to whom "you" refers. I think it's second person plural though--as its apparent appositive is "tiny dots."



Anyhow, we carry you, tiny dots
Skip the anyhow.


who first, who second
who goes first; who, second

Another problem (for my comprehension, anyway) is that it seems that some words have been left out--intentionally?-- i.e. an adjectives in search of a noun to modify:

a mute cortège of the yet unharvested –
". . .the yet unharvested (what?)"
and a prepositional phrase without an object:

rehearsing
for that bone-full vastness above,
"above" (what?) heaven? us? you?

The closing line --which I take as a description of "you" (the plural)-- seems a bit awkward:

angels hushed down too in June furnace.
Not sure that the line needs "down" or "too."

I also think that including the articles would not at all make your verse less poetic, and the question of ruining the meter is moot, as this piece is in free verse. So a little "the," "a," or "an" wouldn't hurt now and then and might even make it read more smoothly:


under (the) close watch of lengthening shadows


in (a) June furnace.



Since folk either gush blind admiration or ignore you, it is down to me to give solid feedback.

That's a really astute, honest, intelligent comment, just one more reason to "heart" the LitNet. But perhaps the reason some of us "gush blind admiration" is that we know your work is good, but couldn't explain why. We don't want to appear ungrateful or rude, so we post praise without specifics --blanket kudos --rather than, as Hawk says, "ignore" your post.

Some websites do not allow posters to explain their own poetry, but it's good that LitNutters can choose to do it ( or not.) You've always been good --and generous!--about answering our questions, Bar!

Added same day,4:11 (EDT)
[QUOTE=Bar22do;1152396]ah, and "dazzling worms in the air" - look into the sunny air, you'll soon distinguish in it worm like glitters moving rapidly...

Ah, now I get it! Thank you very much. (I've got to remember to read
all of the replies before posting my own reply.)

Now I have to look up "Eldila."

[Bar22do]

Dear Auntie, great thanks, as always, for spending time with this, for offering your support and precious insights.
"The yet unharvested," those who are yet alive (like your "The Unfamiliar"??); making a noun of the participle was wrong, I guess.
"the vastness above" alluded to the sky and/or the hill's summit (cemetery), flooded by the midday sun.

Hawk again, I appreciate your comments and the will to help.

I will have to re-think this piece, or send it right into the bin, with so many others. Why can't I just stop scribbling!!!!!

Added a bit later:

... and since I can't stop scribbling, is there a chance the following revision is any better?



The sunbaked earth could but refuse
your footprints on this voyage west,
to Saul’s Hill. But the hearse carries you:
you’re shrouded from feet to head.

And we, tiny dots
under the close watch of lengthening shadows
over sand, rocks, concrete, through
dazzles of silver worms in the air,
follow the hearse,

a mute cortège of the yet unharvested,
rehearsing for that bone-full vastness above,
which right now is blinding: us, not you -

angels too hushed down in a June furnace.

[Hawkman]

The opening line still needs work. Refuse/refuses is the wrong word in context here. If you were saying the ground is so hard that it doesn’t accept footprints, that’s one thing, but here no footprints are offered. The word to use here is denied. Also, you don’t need to say your twice.

“The sunbaked earth is denied your footprints
on the voyage west, to Saul’s Hill.”

As far as mentioning the shrouding I think I preferred it without. How important is it? The context of the poem is funereal so it isn’t really necessary. I like the personal touch of “We carry you” it’s more intimate; I’m not keen on the mention of the hearse which turns the title into a pun – inappropriate levity.

Again, “Through dazzles of silver worms in the air,” is meaningless as a metaphor or simile without a context in the text. The reader just doesn’t know what you are talking about. It has to be likened to something to make sense. Given your in thread exposition, perhaps: “Through a dazzle of motes, that become silver worms in the air…” or maybe “…air-born silvery worms…”

So:

“The sunbaked earth is denied your footprints
on the voyage west, to Saul’s Hill.

We carry you, tiny dots
under the close watch of lengthening shadows,
over sand, rock, concrete;
through a dazzle of motes—
air-born silvery worms
to the mute cortege of the un-harvested—

rehearsing for that bone-full vastness above,
which right now, is blinding: us, not you.”

Like this I think it’s stunning.

I’d leave it here. The mention of angels is a romantic digression from the realism of the scene described above. If you must have it then you need to address the syntax.

“in the June furnace, angels too are hushed.”

Live and be well - H

[Bar22do]

Thanks Hawk, as I said, I will re-work it, or lose it.