Inspiration

[Anomandaris]

The joys in life are just so few
but people neglet and live a life in shadow.
Are you brave enough to accept a view,
from which the world won't seem so hollow?
Will you come with me and bow
to the pristine nature and her might.
Her power in yourself should you allow?
So your mind and body can reunite.
But in this crazy world is so rare to be sane -
"And for what?" will you say -
Money all of us will reign
'till the final hour of the Judgement day.
But I beg you - don't give and run,
'cuz I'll fight to fix that cannot be undone.

Please comment and give your recommendations

[miyako73]

Okay, here's my comment:

Conjunctions in poetry tend to evolve the poetic into the prosy.

If you don't control what follow after "so", "but","because," what can be written in brevity will come out long, wordy, and tedious. Coherence is also the problem when conjunctions are let loose like a raging bull.

What do you mean by this?

"The joys in life are just so few
but people neglect and a life of shadow."

Don't be intellectually lazy. Edit, edit, edit.

[Anomandaris]

The sickness

The world is full of sin
shall you stay with me awihle?
Something is crowling just beneath my skin
I just want to purge myself from the vile.
To the money all humans bow.
Release yourself, just come and rest.
A day,a week has elapsed now,
but I steal feel it in my chest -
the feeling that makes me fly .
I wonder what it would be
if I try to reach the sky.
Can you show mercy to me?
And if you ever come this way
to your will I will obey.

[Anomandaris]

I'm grateful that you gave those advises miyako73.I hope that I'll write better now.

[whitman]

nice work this...

[Anomandaris]

Salvation

I watch at you and I feel a pain.
I dream a realm in a sleep insane.
My heart feels like a sporrow,
after you I always follow.
My life is now just so sour
I know what's coming - my final hour.
Your face was beautiful like a full moon,
but The Reaper hailed you way too soon.
My world is now full of madness,
and the heart - overtaken by the darkness.
Deep me inside me grows something fowl,
but night eternal is coming for me now.

[Anomandaris]

Thank you whitman