there's the girl

[smerdyakov]

you're walking around, dead practically,
then you find a girl
who is good
and life gets easier.
no, life becomes a song.
black clouds shuffle off and the sun
even comes out
saying hey here i am, enjoy me
while i'm around.

the chipping of the soul seems to stop.
am i dreaming? you ask yourself.
is this a trick? don't let me wake.
there's the girl, you see, a delicious hummingbird in your brain,
drowning out the bollocks,

the day to day sh!t,
the arguments
(the ones with yourself too),
the pettiness,
the general testosterone filled
scrimmage and boot strapping of the masses.
the girl, oh the girl with the Cherokee Indian hair
all the way down to her waist,
wearing the stripey stockings
and Doc Marten boots,
your kisses give me life.

[Hawkman]

This is a fun poem with a nice colloquial style. I do have a couple of suggestions though - let's face it - when don't I? - lol. If you are using punctuation you might as well use captialisation too.

L1 "...practically dead"

S2 L4: "there's the girl, you see, a delicious hummingbird in your brain," is the "you see" a rhetorical question or a statement? if a statement, you don't need the comma after see but if a question it should be puntuated as one I think. I'd put a line break after see in either case.

S3 L2: Line breaks again. there's room for three in this line:

"the arguments
(the ones with yourself too),
the pettiness,
the general testosterone filled ..."

L4: Line break again, after, "oh the girl,"

L5: Line break after "...waist,"

Last line: "her kisses give me life."

Enjoyed it though. Nice poem.

Live and be well - H

[smerdyakov]

Hey Hawk.
Thak you kindly for the suggestions. The line breaks definitely give this a better flow and less of a prosey feel.
All the best.

:)

[qimissung]

"here I am-enjoy me..." Thanks, I did!