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Steven Hunley
06-09-2012, 03:22 PM
http://youtu.be/dmf8rZfGTKQ


Crossing the Line

by

Steven Hunley

Sue couldn’t see what Eddie had to offer. Eddie couldn’t imagine the head cheerleader having anything to do with him; he was an outsider and liked it that way. Eddie was a maverick with a small circle of buddies, and Sue owned a circle of friends the circumference of the earth. Too bad for both of them, that both of their noses were stuck up in the air so high they both deserved nose-bleeds.

They sat across from each other in English class, and it was a good thing, because Sue knew all of the answers. Head cheerleaders always know all of the answers; it comes with the territory, along with honor classes, parties, and plenty of jock boyfriends.

Eddie, on the other hand had all of the questions. It was a match made in Heaven, or in High School, which is much the same thing.

After the bell rang Sue was shuffling her papers and stacking her books so that Biff Strong the captain of the football team could carry them to her next class. She noticed a tiny plastic object the size of her fingernail on the floor under Eddie's desk.

“What’s that?” she asked herself, and picked it up.

“What’s this?” she asked Biff when the big lummox showed up.

‘That’s a guitar pick,” answered Biff, and they walked down the hall for all the seniors to take note. The cheerleader and the captain of the football team were an item, at least in public.

Eddie was rifling his locker for his brown-paper lunch sack and saw them walk by on their way to get sushi.

Sue stopped and saw that on the inside of the locker was a stack of flyers.

“Here, Eddie,” she said, handing him the pick. “You dropped this.”

Biff gave Eddie a look than said simply, “Hands off.”

“Thanks,” he said and grew so flustered he slammed the locker door shut and the papers flew everywhere. Sue and Biff laughed and continued down the hallway to the cafeteria, while Eddie and Mugabi, a black exchange student from Nigeria, who was also a music student, stooped down to pick up the papers.

Later that afternoon, Sue walked down the empty hallway. The school had been closed for hours and Biff had gone home on the bus. Sue was used to having a retinue, but enjoyed the silence anyway, to her it was music, and if there was one thing she enjoyed it was music.

Biff liked Johnny Mathis and always put on his records when he wanted to “make out” with Sue. His tactics never worked, and Sue never “put out” because, if the truth be known, Sue liked rock and roll. She liked the beat, and though she had retained her virginity, she suspected that the pulsating rhythm of rock and roll just had to be as satisfying as sex.

A paper, the same color as one of the flyers, was still lying in the corner. She stooped to pick it up and turned it over. It announced a concert with someone called Eddie and the Cruisers at the Roxy Theatre on Saturday night. Could that be Eddie? But Eddie was sooo shy!

Saturday night found Sue at the door, actually trembling in anticipation. After the first group appeared, the Cruisers were next. Sue made her way to the front of the crowd.

The stage was dark, but when the lights came on Eddie turned and she saw his face glistening with sweat and how his hair gleamed under the spotlight. His muscled arms bulged out of his sleeveless shirt and he held the microphone with care and caressed the microphone stand as if it was a woman’s arm. His guitar was slung over his shoulder like Matt Dillon’s gun on his hip. His jaw was square and his eyebrows were brooding just like in school.

How they jammed! Eddie was in his element and the king of his musical domain.

There was Billy from history class on base, Wendle from English on drums. Wendle, always good at English, had written the song. Now she knew why Eddie called him ‘Word Man.”
Joe from economics was on rhythm guitar, and Mugabi was on sax. Cherrie, a girl she thought to be Eddie’s girlfriend, was singing. But she was mistaken.

Suddenly they made eye contact, and Sue realized that every single line of lyrics was about her, about them. Eddie felt mean, he felt crazy, he was her bad boy, and he was on the dark side.

She decided right there to cross over the line.

Then time, like it always does, ran by like an express train bound to nowhere in particular.

Now it’s twenty years later and Sue and Eddie live in northern California. They have seven kids and together along with their with Mom and Dad, make up a baseball team that plays every Saturday at Sacramento Municipal Park, about a half-mile from the Crocker Museum.

And they live happily….on the Dark Side, Oh yeah!

© Steven Hunley 2012

AuntShecky
06-09-2012, 04:01 PM
It's always good to see a short story from Steven H. on the LitNet--the topics are often refreshingly light and enjoyable.

I wouldn't be your auntie if I didn't have a few comments and crits, though:

"Eddie and the Cruisers" is a pre-existing fictional band and also the eponymous title of a 1983 theatrical movie. I wonder why you didn't use a different name. Even so, "Biff Strong" is a funny, apt name for a jock.


". . . a match made in Heaven or in High School, which is much the same thing./QUOTE] Not for all of us, even after lo, these many decades!

[QUOTE]A day after the bell rang In High School, doesn't a bell ring every day-- and several times?

Typos--
"bog lummox" ??

I think the male given name is spelled "Wendell" not "Wendle," but then there are often variations, especially in the Biz. In sports as well: I've seen current MLB players who spell their first names in quirky ways: "Jhonny" and "Andruw," not to mention players of the past-- "Graig Nettle"-- "Greg" spelled like "Craig."


"a baseball team that plays. . ." (not "play." S/V agreement.)


"And they live happily ever after" "lived."

The guitar pick info is appropriate, but when it's first introduced, it seems almost as if it belongs to Biff, not Eddie. Also when Sue returns it to its rightful owner, it should be mentioned again. As it appears now, when she says, "You dropped this," "this" almost seems to refer to the stack of flyers.

Too much telling about Mugabi while they're standing in the corridor. When he first appears, he could simply be referred to as "the Nigerian exchange student." The info about him as a hell of a sax player would be more effective in the concert scene.

The narrator says that Sue and Biff are on their way to get some sushi, but later on we're told that they're headed for the cafeteria. I've never heard of exotic Japanese food served in a high school lunchroom. Must be a California thing!

The bit about the Johnny Mathis records as background music for Biff's make-out sessions with Sue is. . .interesting, but it's introduced awkwardly in a paragraph about something else. I realize that the schmaltzy pop love songs are to be contrasted with Eddie's hard rocking, but all of it deserves a separate paragraph.

The sentence about the baseball team requires some revision, in addition to fixing the verb as I previously mentioned:


They have seven kids and together with Mom and Dad, have their own baseball team

This makes it sound like one set of in-laws are taking the field!

Try it this way:
With Mom and Dad and their seven kids


There's a big gap between the concert and "20 years later." We could use some transition material covering those two decades. The final sentence is funny though, in an ironic sort of way-- that a square, suburban family of nine could still be on the "dark side."

Steven Hunley
06-09-2012, 04:42 PM
Thank you, Auntie, all mistakes noted and corrected. This was a Saturday Morning Special, which I didn't allow to sit and rise accordingly like a loaf of bread. It suffered in consequence. But now it's better thanks to your perceptive eye. Again thanks.

Oh, almost forgot. I'll leave the "live" in present tense as it's in the present day and get rid of the "happily ever after" part.

kaybaily
06-09-2012, 08:42 PM
ahhhh, so you are Biff!
I agree with AuntShecky's comments, but Knowing you, you've only just begun! I can't wait to re-read it after you've spent more time on it.
By the way, I always enjoy the Rhythm of your stories, Steven. You can almost tap dance to this one.

Those high school days were far from heaven for me too.

Steven Hunley
06-10-2012, 03:02 AM
Ok, here's the story expanded. It's a work in progress! Funny. as nerdy as I was (and I was plenty nerdy) I liked high school!

http://youtu.be/dmf8rZfGTKQ


Crossing the Line

by

Steven Hunley

Sue couldn’t see what Eddie had to offer. Eddie couldn’t imagine the head cheerleader having anything to do with him; he was an outsider and liked it that way. Eddie was a maverick with a small circle of buddies, and Sue owned a circle of friends the circumference of the earth. Too bad for both of them, that both of their noses were stuck up in the air so high they both deserved nose-bleeds.

They sat across from each other in English class, and it was a good thing, because Sue knew all of the answers. Head cheerleaders always know all of the answers; it comes with the territory, along with honor classes, parties, and plenty of jock boyfriends with expensive tennis shoes.

Eddie, on the other hand had all of the questions. It was a match made in heaven, or in high school, which is much the same thing.

Eddie was never worth greeting; even though she’d catch him looking at her from a distance, when she got closer he’d look away as if she didn’t exist. It was the same thing today. Eddie was waiting for her, expectantly it seemed, but as soon as she crossed the threshold and got to her desk, his head bowed with his careless hair falling over his eyes. He was scribbling something on a scrap of paper, probably making crib notes to cheat on a math test next period. After class got out she passed Eddie in the hallway talking to Wendle and Cherrie, a green-eyed red-haired beauty with a reputation for being wild.

“We’ll see you tonight, Eddie,” said Wendle.

“Don’t be late!” said Cherrie.

“I’ll be there, Word Man, and make sure Pumpkin’s on time.”

Eddie had missed all of the questions the teacher asked as usual, and seemed to be lost in thought with his consciousness on another planet.

Sue stopped on the stairway to shuffle her papers and stack her books so that Biff Strong the captain of the football team could carry them to her next class. She forgot her expensive pen and returned to the room and found a scrap of paper on the floor instead. It read,

The dark side's callin' now
Nothin' is real
She'll never know just how I feel
From out of the shadows
She walks like a dream
Makes me feel crazy
Makes me feel so mean

Ain't nothin' gonna save you
From a love that's blind
You slip to the dark side
Across that line
On the dark side, oh yeah
On the dark side, oh yeah.

“Eddie is studying poetry? Eddie…poetry? This must be about Cherrie.”

She noticed a tiny plastic object the size of her fingernail next to the foot of the desk.

‘What’s that?” she asked herself and picked it up.

“What’s this?” she asked Biff when the big lummox showed up.

“That’s a guitar pick,” answered Biff, and they walked down the hall together for all the seniors to take note. The cheerleader and the captain of the football team were an item, at least in public.

Eddie was rifling his locker for his brown-paper lunch sack and saw them walk by on their way to get sushi.

Sue stopped and saw that on the inside of the locker was a stack of flyers.

“Here, Eddie,” she said, “You dropped this.”

Biff gave Eddie a look than said simply, “Hands off.”

“Thanks,” he said and grew so flustered he slammed the locker door shut and the papers flew everywhere. Sue and Biff laughed and continued down the hallway to the cafeteria; while Eddie and Mugabi, an exchange student from Nigeria, stooped down to pick up the papers.

Later that afternoon, Sue walked down the empty hallway. The school had been closed for hours and Biff had gone home on the bus. Sue was used to having a retinue, but enjoyed the silence anyway, to her it was music, and if there was one thing she enjoyed it was music. Biff liked Johnny Mathis and always put on his records when he wanted to “make out” with Sue. It never worked, and Sue never “put out” because, if the truth be known, Sue liked rock and roll. She liked the beat, and though she had retained her virginity, she suspected that the pulsating rhythm of rock and roll just had to be as satisfying as sex.

A paper, the same color as one of the flyers, was still lying in the corner. She stooped to pick it up and turned it over. It announced a concert with someone called Eddie and the Cruisers at the Roxy Theatre on Saturday night. Could that be Eddie? But Eddie was sooo shy!

Saturday night found Sue at the door, actually trembling in anticipation. After the first group appeared, the Cruisers were next. Sue made her way to the front of the crowd.

The stage was dark, but when the lights came on Eddie turned and she saw his face glistening with sweat and how his hair gleamed under the spotlight. His muscled arms bulged out of his sleeveless shirt and he held the microphone with care and caressed the microphone stand as if it was a woman’s arm. His guitar was slung over his shoulder like Matt Dillon’s gun on his hip. His jaw was square and his eyebrows were brooding just like in school.

How they jammed! Eddie was in his element and the king of his musical domain.

There was Billy from history class on base, Wendle from English on drums. Wendle, always good at English, had helped Eddie write the song. Now she knew why Eddie called him ‘Word Man.”
Joe from economics was on rhythm guitar, and Mugabi was on sax. Cherrie, the girl she thought to be Eddie’s girlfriend, was singing. But she was mistaken about their relation. Pumpkin was delicious but she was not Eddie's piece of pie.

Suddenly the two made eye contact, and Sue realized that every single line of lyrics was about her, about them. Eddie felt mean, he felt crazy, he was her bad boy, and he was on the dark side.

She decided right there to cross over the line.

Time zoomed by like an express train to nowhere, and the theme of the Magnificent Seven turned into the theme song of the Marlboro man.

Now it’s twenty years later and Sue and Eddie live in northern California. They have seven kids, and together with Mom and Dad, have their own baseball team that plays every Saturday in Sacramento at William Land Park about a half mile from the Crocker Museum.

And they live happy ever after….on the dark side, oh yeah!

© Steven Hunley 2012

Jack of Hearts
06-14-2012, 02:07 AM
Ah Sacramento, you were hell to this reader. And the Crocker is nice. Especially on Tuesdays.

Hunley, a fun, pop tale that captures somewhat the essence of high school happiness. The glory days, as they were, as they should've been.






J