stoopid pome

[Jack of Hearts]

delete

[firefangled]

SMOKE AT NIGHT

It runs into the fields like summer,
lingers like smoke at night.

Within the firepit,
flames lick into darkness
from the glow of the ember
to the deadening breath.

It seems like a very effective metaphor for life, both in content and structure: the shorter S1 for the youth that is fleeting and often difficult to remember; the striving (flames) of middle age, often acting blindly; and the last and lingering recollections, pinings and joys of the transition from this way of existing into the next.

I found the most interesting the two words "deadening breath," for their sounds, but more so for their depiction of death, stretching out the final hours where the body takes over the will and often fights against what is happening.

Extremely effective poem, Jack. Reminds me of Jack Spicer's poems.

[Jerrybaldy]

Those closing lines have real weight Jack. Sounds like the close to a classic we all should know, but dont.
cheers
JB

[Jack of Hearts]

Thanks boys! Honestly, not feeling great about this one. But it's necessary for progress, writing the not so good stuff.





J

[Hawkman]

I like the body of the text here Jack, but I hate the title, not because it's a bad title but because of its repetition in line 2. As the poem stands the title reads as the first line. Consequently, smoke at night runs into the fields like summer then lingers like itself. Change the title and problem solved.

Live and be well - H

[Jack of Hearts]

Eh, thanks Hawk. That seems right. Gonna go off and have a think about all this.






J

[qimissung]

A simple fix to change the title, I think. It's a good poem, somewhat mysterious.

So, you're in France? Now I'm jealous.

[dyne7]

gimissung is correct i think. i too, would recommend a title change. this would infuse the poem with so many possibilities! such good stuff, as usual


dyne

[Jack of Hearts]

Thanks you two. Yeah, Qi, you're right...

And dyne, you're back!






J

[the facade]

JoH,
at first i found the last line irksome - "breath" seemed to put an end to the rhythm prematurely.
but the more i thought about it the more i liked it. it provides a surprise and abrupt ending to a poem with morbid imagery - goes without saying that it is fitting. the tension between the abrupt ending to the rhythm and "deadening breath" is really interesting.

Cheers!