stoopid stoory

[Jack of Hearts]

delete

[paradoxical]

I think this is quality writing and a good take on the decisions people have to make. Just a few quick comments:

An extra space (or asterisks) are probably needed to separate the two sections.

I thought the ending was good but I wonder if it would be more effective if you just went with "...and make the sounds of bells ringing." and left off "; five ‘til." Either way, it's effective.

The relationship between the son leaving and the scene in the cafe was a little confusing at first, but I think I understand it now.

[Jack of Hearts]

Thanks Doxy. You're probably right. Took this thing down, was going to throw it out with the others, but the healthier thing to do is just leave it up and learn to deal with it. Whether or not this poster think it's a good way for readers to spend their time.






J

[DocHeart]

A well-written piece, but saying this of one of your writings, dear Jack, is something of a tautology. I spent 10 minutes with it and it deserves much longer. Accordingly, this is now bookmarked and I will return to share thoughts as soon as possible.

Thanks for sharing!

DH

[AuntShecky]

If there's anything wrong with this, it's merely technical. But since errors are distracting, you might want to repair them in order to make your piece more effective and inspire the impact that you seek.

There are two problems with inconsistency. Choose either past (in which your piece begins) or present tense rather than mix them. Occasionally both tenses appear in the same paragraph.

The other inconsistency is in puncutuation. In the eighth paragraph, the quotation marks are missing. This is how I'd punctuate it:

He said, "No, Dad. No, I'm really leaving."
The same thing reoccurs about 4 paragraphs later. Again, consider writing it this way:

"Dad, I'm scared."

And his father's eyes moistened. He said, "I know, son, I know.'

Try to remember that you need to start a new paragraph with each change of speaker.

Two really, really minor flaws, one of which is a pet peeve of yours fooly. In the sentence, "
And then she walked into the room," there is no noun antecedent for "she," other than "Eveline" in your title.

The other little glitch is using "cling" when you mean "clink."

That's it--not a long list of criticisms at all. This was a mostly well-written story, which made for an easy response on my part. Good work, Jack.

[Steven Hunley]

I liked in this piece how you allowed yourself and the reader to flit back and forth between thoughts. It took me a second reading to figure it out, but that's me, I'm thick. It was sooo well written, and I'm so glad I got a chance to read it, I missed it on the last go-round. Worth waiting for, for sure.

[Jack of Hearts]

Thanks for reading everybody. This reader had a hard time with this one-- it was, of course, nipping at the heels of the master as it borrows less than gracefully from "Eveline", of James Joyce's short story collection Dubliners.






J

[DocHeart]

I haven't read "Eveline". When I were a lad, and with plenty of time (and reason) to read the greats, I avoided Joyce. I can't remember why anymore.

So I am obliged to disregard your last comment, my dear Jack, and focus instead on how this piece made me feel. Please perceive the following as the account of a reading by someone who likes to feel what he reads. What I feel may not be accurate, correct, or in any way relevant. But I do like to share it.





When the baristas cling the coffee mugs together they sound like bells ringing. The bells seem to come from a far off port, maybe overlooking a harbor many miles away, an expanse of blue into the horizon; someplace new.



A strong opening here.

The sound of clinking mugs dominated my reading experience, along with the father's tears of concern and sadness. The presence of these two elements blurs the images of Eva's lips, voice and flesh. James is leaving because of her, to be away from her (I think); but right now, at "five 'till", the sharp sound of the clinking cups and the father's tears dominate.

The latter is largely down to a beautiful, rich, extremely powerful metaphor:




[The father's face] had lines that had come from years of an ugly fistfight with uncertainty.



The fact that James is determined to leave the woman behind makes his memory of her ambivalent. He is "dreaming of her", but the dream seems like a recurring nightmare.




James, dreaming of her still, brunette ringlets of hair and how sharp and cruel her eyes could be.



Which escalates further, in a penetrative, fast-paced paragraph:





She had said these words to him after the crowd began to disperse: thanks for listening and it’s nice to meet you James. Those were the words she had used, but she had said I want you to beg. And he had used the words yes it’s nice to meet you and I really liked it. But what he had said was I won’t. A kiss in some dark place, a corner full of evil spirits, she said yes. Yes, beg. His hand on Eva’s thigh, beg. Thunder in her mouth and riding up her skirt with his fingertips- beg, her breasts against his chest, a body hungry for air, for sobriety but straddle him feel her swell through the layers of fabric and the narrow of her neck how she the scent bodyheat orchids.



I dig the lack of quotation marks here, and I'm certain it's deliberate. It works well, too.

And what of the torn cuddly toy? It seems to be suffering the same fate that befell James in Eva's arms. And here, made opaque by the father's defeated face and his tears and the sounds of the airport, exists a glimmer of hope. The teddy bear can't fly away, but James can.

A very well-crafted piece of powerful emotions. It kept me thinking about it between readings.

Thank you so much for sharing.

Regards,
DH

[Jack of Hearts]

Thanks Doc!






J