Watermelon Days

[DieterM]

Sunsoaked idleness,
light and shadow cut with razors,
and the faint smirk of boredom lurks
in a summer novel’s pages,
the spray of waves shimmers
between my toes spread like fans,
white plastic and a film of sweat
press into my back,
pine resin and hot stones and ripe figs
stick to the afternoon,
a salty kiss upon my coconut-oiled brow…
The watermelon days have come again

[paradoxical]

This certainly takes me back to carefree summer days. I think this poem works. I did have a question about "light and shadow cut with razors", though. Do you mean a type of sharp reflection, like what you might get with light coming into a room through a venetian blind? I was having trouble picturing such sharp shadows outdoors.

[PrinceMyshkin]

This just sings with your usual attention to vivid sensations. Like Paradoxical I too had difficulty envisioning the image in l 2.

[cogs]

lol, i had no trouble picturing the shadows, since the sun's so bright, and the lounging chair is angular. i didn't understand the hot stones sticking, though, other than they're stuck into the ground. you used the smirk of boredom, which was good, but the 'press into my back' lacked expression, especially when there's probably a good metaphor waiting to imitate the pressing. the salty kiss was too unexpected, without transition or context (although i see it's from the water). i can see you're inviting the reader, and i really enjoyed reading (lol, thanks for indulging my critique, as i enjoy squeezing out all of the meaning).

[DieterM]

Thank you all for your comments and thanks for being so very nice about this first attempt. I'm glad you understood my intentions behind these lines, even if I'm aware that I should've put a bit more work into it. I heard you all, and you've been rather disappointed by the same lines I didn't like that much either. Here's another try:

In sunsoaked idleness
I gaze at the light-and-shadow play
with Chinese eyes
while the faint smirk of boredom lurks
in a summer novel’s pages.
Between my toes spread like fans
I make out the shimmer of waves,
I feel their salty kiss upon my coconut-oiled brow.
White plastic under a film of sweat
prints funny stripes on my back.
The fragrances of pine resin
and hot stones and ripe figs
stick to the afternoon.
The watermelon days have come again.

[Varenne Rodin]

I like this so much. I like watermelon too. It's funny to me that we have bred the black seeds out of watermelons forever. We grasped evolution in a strangle hold and forced our will upon the melons. Humans: 1 Gods: 0

[Hawkman]

Hi Dieter. I quite liked the first draft (incidentally, thanks for leaving it up so I could see what you've done with the poem) but I would have to agree that the abbreviated style didn't really sit well wit the lazy, laid back nature of the content. The second draft is an improvement but I kind of miss the razor image, even if it was inappropriate. Save it for another poem. :)The revision has a smoother feel but there are odd places which could be polished.

"In sunsoaked idleness
I gaze at the light-and-shadow play
with Chinese eyes
while the faint smirk of boredom lurks
between the pages of a summer novel.
My toes spread like fans
and I can make out the shimmer of waves,
feel their salty kiss upon my coconut-oiled brow.
White plastic, under a film of sweat,
prints stripes on my back
and the fragrances of pine resin,
hot stones and ripe figs
stick to the afternoon.
The watermelon days have come again."

As you can see I've cut a couple of words and allowed the sentences to flow more naturally which cures the stop-start effect of the shorter ones. I really like it.

I'm also jealous of your sunshine, having spent the weekend being rained on and wallowing in mud. It's pissing down over here and most definitely unseasonably chilly.

Live and be well - H

[AuntShecky]

Evocative, and "warm" in more ways than one. The only image I couldn't get at first was the white plastic--unless it refers to the material from which the beach chair is made.

[Jerrybaldy]

Hi Dieter
evocative indeed like your last posting; you are having a good summer :coolgleamA:

To put my two penneth in I would have ended with just the title :)

cheers
JB