Some choked song

[Silas Thorne]

I pulled a thread that started in my head, my head,
But when I looked, that head was not my own.
But when I look, this head was not my own.

The days gone by, those days are gone.
Be gone the days gone by, be gone.

There was a girl I met some time ago, once met,
And when I looked again, that girl was gone.
And when I look again, that girl is gone.

The days go by, those days are gone.
Be gone the days gone by, be gone.

She was a marble statue robed in peach, in peach,
I bit the peach, but choked upon the stone.
I bite the peach, but choke upon the stone.

These days go by, those days are gone.
Be gone the days gone by, be gone.

For what she was, was not her self alone,
but those of other girls of which I’ve known,
A thousand thoughts of other girls I’ve known.

The day’s gone by. Those days be gone.
Be gone the days gone by. Be gone!

[symphony]

I sang, choked a few times, sang again.


PS. Funny enough, the shape of the poem (so wonderful) reminded me of pop-up paper art like this:
http://media02.hongkiat.com/paper-art-part2/reflection_sagrada_familia.jpg

[Bar22do]

Adorable, Silas, adorable!

[Jack of Hearts]

Agreed with Bar. The content can be said to be sad/melancholic, but the fact that this is a song makes it charming in a certain way. Like men working in a field and singing it kind of way.

This reader used to sing 'Oh My Darlin', Clementine' while he worked. Maybe he'll try this one out a few times. If only someone would put a tune to it...





J

[Hawkman]

Hi Silas,

You seem to have deviated fromyou own pattern a bit in S1 L3, where you say:

"But when I look, this head was not my own."

I kind of feel this should be a present tense "is".

S3 L1: "There was a girl I met some time ago, once met," I feel the order of the last two words should be reversed as, "once met" would seem to be setting up a description of what follows, which isn't really satisfied by, "And when I looked again, that girl was gone."

"Met once", would be a better precursor to her subsequent absence.


S7 L2: the sense of this line is a little elusive:

"but those of other girls of which I’ve known,"

The use of "those of" is particularly tortured: one gets the impression you've been filling beats with "of"s which don't actually make sense in context. You might want to look at this verse and give it a tweak.

Apart from these minor quibbles it has good rhythm and flo. The refrain is effective too.

Live and be well - H