The Kill

[Twota]

A candle burns
warming the night,
as the cold breeze
dances with the flame
like a dark ritual
before a sacrifice.
It plays a sad tune
as it blows,
then winds to devour
another flame,
leaving the candle
choking in it's smoke.

[Jack of Hearts]

Wow, Twota. This was really atmospheric and enjoyable. What an exciting and new direction you are running in.





J

[Twota]

Thanks Jack, glad you enjoyed it. :D

[Hawkman]

This is pretty good Twota, but there are a couple of things you might want to look at. The problems start in L8 where "the blow" leaves one asking, "what blow?" What is it's significance that it requires a definite article? "A blow" would make more sense and lead better into the next line, although contextually, "when", rather than "then" would make more sense here. You should also lose the to, which has no place in the sentence. Lastly, "choking by its smoke" isn't really right here. Choking in its smoke or choking on its smoke would be better I feel. It reads more naturally.

All this said, I would agree that the poem is an interesting development in your style and is an atmospheric and intriguing read.

Live and be well - H

[Twota]

Hawk :D You are right, it reads more naturally that way, I fixed them now. :D

Thanks lots, glad you liked it. :D

[Hawkman]

You're welcome Twota, but you still need to remove to from L9. not only does it not make sense in context but it adds an extraneous beat in the line.

Live and be well - H

[Twota]

Oh, I meant -winds- here as a verb, I don't know if it didn't give the required effect, after the breeze blows the flame, it winds to devour another. I ll think of a replacement for "winds" if it causes confusion. hmm. :D

[Hawkman]

Ah! yes I didn't see that - lol. It's because its so close to blow that one reads it this way. As a verb of course your original "then" would be ok in context. However, because the poem is a single sentence, the subject of the sentence is established as the candle. Consequently everything you say afterwards, about it playing a sad tune followed by a blow etc. refers to the candle, not the breeze. You could put a full stop after sacrifice and make a new subject of the air movement to which the subsequent lines refer and this might be a little less confusing.

There is also a bit of a problem with "followed by a/the blow" in context. you might consider this:

"A candle burns
warming the night,
as the cold breeze
dances with the flame
like a dark ritual
before a sacrifice.
It plays a sad tune
as it blows,
then winds to devour
another flame,
leaving the candle
choking in it's smoke."

[Twota]

hmmmmmmmm, I guess this fixes all problems. :D

Thanks Hawk. :D