The Forebearing Forest

[ShadowsCool]

Okay, this is meant to be a story within a poem. With strong narrative features.
However, I think it is rather rough. Should I eliminate all the "And's" and make it more poetic?
And so I would appreciate if someone could comment on how
I could narrow it down or just give an opinion.
Disregard the original title, my mistake and spelled wrong too. Thanks!



~

The Harrowed Forest

The shadows bent in the undergrowth
Underneath the brooding dark forest
That looked, at least high enough to touch the clouds

For surely there lay a permanent mist
Within its grasping arms of dead branches
That hung nestled against the very green
Like choked ivory crawlers on each and every tree

Now night fell particularly deep that Saturday evening
For the howls sounded a certain forbearing
Like a warning call to all who should step foot

So there stood I and this shadow in the periphery
In an open field with overgrown weeds as high as the knee
Such a forbidding scene if not for at least
The company of a full moon seen gazing down from heaven
Which might have assured even the faint hearted

Yet certainly it was not enough
For even a demon from hell could feel the coldness pervade the air

But harvest time it was

So there I stood in the will of nature
In the open canopy enlightened by the moon
And there I heard a moment of silence
That even the crickets stopped cricketing

And deep I looked into the bleakness of darkness
As if it took a hold of me, telling me it was my master
That I must obey or else my heart would fall to silence
And I would have to sojourn through another way

But this far I have come on my travels
And being such, really there was no other way
I figured a mile or so in and I'd be through the other side
And I'd be safely on my journey onto the strangers house
Where I looked to spend a rest till the morning light
And be on my way

So from my compass I cut a pass in my mind
And looked upon a stand of tree's that lit a row
At least as far as the eye could see
Or the moon could shine through

So from there I went

And from inside the canopy
The calls or the howls grew much louder
And from the top there I could see
The moon as a forlorn figure following me

And with me, this tiny beam of flashlight
Just beading off the litter of leaves
And not much more
Enough maybe for fifteen feet ahead
And then the darkness
Which was now stiffly surrounding me

And then at last it happened
Not by design, but of occurrence of nature
For as I turned to look back
From where I came on my journey
I stumbled badly on a row of dead tree's
And fell forward
Severely twisting my leg and ankle

And making it worst
The very beam that allowed me to see
Was thrown from me
Into some forward undergrowth
To where I could not see
Killing its flimsy covering
Making it all inoperable

And worst even still
My leg I could not free
For it was surely broken
Inside the twist of tree

And surely it began to dawn on me
I was at the mercy of the thing I feared the most
That was moving in on me

And as I drew my breath one last time
I saw my conquest standing in front of me
With no look of mercy
But with eyes as black as coal
And a soul as dark as the worst hell

And the darkness grew deeper still
And the once glittering moon
Hid deeper still behind a shroud of cloud
And nothing was heard anymore
And only the sound of a crow taking off
And nothing more.

~

[MystyrMystyry]

Interesting, if a little drawn out - yes it's a narrative, but you're already aware that as a poem there's a certain need to make every line count, which means to cut back on both descriptors and useless cliches. Remember that the reader already has their own bank of mental images to draw on. You can say 'waterfall' without having to say 'a tall wet splashy white waterfall' (I mean you can, but why?) There's slightly too many filler words and phrases where it would benefit from being succinct.

From the first line ending 'undergrowth' and the flow on 'underneath', which reads more as sloppy than considered - if they weren't both three syllables (and begin with under and don't rhyme) then maybe.

Certainly atmospheric but so (purple) prosey in parts I kept wondering why it's in a verse structure rather than sentences and paragraphs. And sometimes the quest for specifics and details cause it to lose focus. Always remember that what is not said can be the quintessence of great poetry. Taking two consecutive lines at random:

Like choked ivory crawlers on each and every tree

Here you've got two adjectives and noun crammed up close and then a blurry 'each and every' tree - but there's nothing compelling or poetic about the choked ivory crawlers, which may have been lifted from a guide to local botany, which is nice but the each and every makes it even fluffier

Now night fell particularly deep that Saturday evening

Is a sentence that goes on too long - the day doesn't matter and you've got a (particularly) deep night before evening (which most people equate with dusk/twilight so the order of importance is reversed). As a sentence in a novel it would be fine, but as a 'poetic' line?

There are stanzas where the 'I' pronoun predominates - you only need to remind the reader that this is the narrator's observations once or twice (as a poem it's already a given, in much the same way time tenses can shift suddenly back and forth without the need to reference a clock for the precise minute of the day).
Decide if the story's more important, in which case the writing could still be pared back (and fleshed out - and you'll need hooks to keep the reader reading), or a poem, in which case it needs to be tightened even at the risk of occasional obscurity.

Either way it has a lot of potential, and there's no reason it couldn't be rewritten as a (poetic) story, as well as left as a poem.

And there are a lot of lines in there that are poetic, but it does read a bit like a 'series of lines', especially the more atmospheric ones - and this is fine but the climax to the narrative shouldn't be confused with other distractions: it's the ultimate punch even when it's subtle.

So, finally, by ending it with a crow and 'And nothing more', well bang you're in E. A. Poe territory whether by design or not, homage or parody you can't do it with prosody - or free verse in this case - but unfortunately it causes a brainskip: 'Hang on - The Raven? I completely missed that!' So one goes back over it and concludes that no, it has nothing to do with The Raven, not even the Vincent Price movie. How it comes across is just that you like The Raven - which is great - but probably not what you'd intended.

[ShadowsCool]

Thanks MystyrMystyry

I read your points. They were excellent. I will attempt a re-write on my Summer break from writing. I just really wrote it in one sitting. The lines just came to me and I wanted to keep the atmosphere as is. It is rather clumsy but I think I have a decent prose piece or poem.

It seems I only write free verse. I just can't be tied down to form. Thanks again!