A Gift

[miyako73]

I no longer need what is wrapped inside--
Allergy welts I get from the thick tape,
Long cuts on my hands from the paper bag,
Two deep punctures from the staples uncurled,
Bruises on my lithe arms hit by the box--
Will the ribbon untied bear my dead weight?

[Hawkman]

The way this is worded it is possible to interpret the list of injuries as being what was wrapped inside. If this was your intention, then fine. If not, it might be better to begin L2 with "I get".

I find an echo of the lamentably absent haunted in both the style and subject of this poem.

Live and be well - H

[miyako73]

Thanks for reading, Hawk. I did some changes. I've been struggling in my writing lately. The idea is the ribboned gift inside a taped and stapled paper bag is death.

[Hawkman]

I think less is more here. You don't need to qualify wieght, in fact I think I liked the last line better before the edit. Not sure that you needed to say what colour the ribbon was. I did wonder about whether you could have added "I wonder" at the beginning of the last line, but decided it wasn't necessary.

You assertion that you intended death to be the gift in the box is a little odd though. How can you no longer need the gift of death if you are thinking of using it? The idea doesn't really come over in what's written anyway. It reads more like a suicidal, jilted lover/lonely person poem.