Just Get in the Car

[paradoxical]

he flicks
a lit
cigarette
out the
window,
a hesher
in a brown
Camaro
with
Indiana plates

coming
down hard
from a three
day binge

you know he
doesn't give a ****

behind me,
an ambulance
screaming,
on its
way to a
well planned
murder

Houston traffic
backed up seven miles
on the 610 loop

beyond the bars,
I'm leaving
and I'm
not coming back

past Lake Charles
and rice fields,
crossing the river
straight back
to New Orleans.

last night,
I dreamed
I was
following
a broken
white line

and a
wall of
black water
following
behind

I woke up
in this
disease,
your love
beside me
spreading
like a lie.

I'm gone,
I'm gone,
back to
Napoleon Avenue
and Uptown bars

another girl,
another job,
and the same old pain

regret
is an
empty
bottle,
another
restraint

just a small change loser,
trying to see it through

beyond
the black,
you call
my name

the memory of your dream
fading in my mind

[Hawkman]

You know, there are three distinct poems in here. The first 6 verses are the first, verses 7-9 are the second and the last 6 make a third. They're all pretty good, even though I had to look up hesher :D

I find the sense of this verse confusing:

"beyond the bars,
I'm leaving
and I'm
not coming back"

because it changes tack mid sentence. "beyond the bars," would function better as the last line of the preceeding stanza.

The overall tone I find pretty bleak, suffused with hopeless bitterness. It has a sort of, "on the run to nowhere" feel about it. Very descriptive.

Live and be well - H

[Jack of Hearts]

It's distinct and likable but man do those line breaks feel obnoxious! They seem to be breaking up the flow of your wonderful content... is there are reason for this? Is there something here this reader isn't getting? Maybe it's just taste?

Anyways, you so far have delivered the goods, with this and your other few poems around here. Keep posting.






J

[paradoxical]

You know, there are three distinct poems in here. The first 6 verses are the first, verses 7-9 are the second and the last 6 make a third. They're all pretty good, even though I had to look up hesher :D

I find the sense of this verse confusing:

"beyond the bars,
I'm leaving
and I'm
not coming back"

because it changes tack mid sentence. "beyond the bars," would function better as the last line of the preceeding stanza.

The overall tone I find pretty bleak, suffused with hopeless bitterness. It has a sort of, "on the run to nowhere" feel about it. Very descriptive.

Live and be well - H

Thanks for the feedback, Hawkman. I see it as having three sections, and I started to use markers such as I, II, and III, but I don't see it as three distinct poems. I think only the first 6 verses could stand alone, and it was written all at once, not three poems that I later combined. I think I will write out verses 8 and 9 as long lines of text to give it a more direct, conversational feel and add some lines to the remaining 6 verses to make it more cohesive over all.

Beyond the bars means escaping, as from a prison or a trap. It also refers to the bars of Houston, something else that was holding back the speaker in the poem. So, it's a way of saying "I've escaped, I'm leaving, and I'm not coming back." I don't think it would work as the last line of the previous stanza. The poem was meant to be bleak and depressing, not hopeless or bitter but yea, I can see some hopelessness and bitterness there. Definitely a sense of "on the run to nowhere" - escaping Houston and going back to the same kind of situation in New Orleans, having no real plan, etc.


It's distinct and likable but man do those line breaks feel obnoxious! They seem to be breaking up the flow of your wonderful content... is there are reason for this? Is there something here this reader isn't getting? Maybe it's just taste?

Anyways, you so far have delivered the goods, with this and your other few poems around here. Keep posting.J

Thanks, Jack of Hearts. I suppose the line breaks are excessive; there was no real reason for it, I think it happened because I didn't read the poem out loud, just sounded it in my head and didn't catch how it was breaking the rhythm. I'm going to combine some of the verses and it should flow better but I think a few of the line breaks are justifiable, if only to add emphasis to the lines that follow. Thanks for the compliments.

[Buh4Bee]

This is a very likable poem. I think the internal structure is there, even if you leave it as it is. You do a nice job creating a narrative poem.

[Bar22do]

Great quality here, paradoxical, I was first disturbed with your line breaks but wonder if it's not a part of your personal signature, therefore I surrendered... and enjoyed this, as I did your previous. Bravo.

[paradoxical]

Buh4Bee and Bar22do, thank you both very much.

[DocHeart]

I really enjoyed this. The line breaks didn't bother me. They make the poem feel urgent, angry even: running away angrily, breathlessly.

Thanks for sharing!

[Revolte]

In terms of line breaks, they only bothered me at first, but I got over that when the "first" poem clawed its way into my mind. Towards which I will say I loved it.