Where Words Do Not Live

[E.A Rumfield]

Walking alone with no bag or phone a man sets off in a barren desert.
To clear his mind in search of some peaceful time he is open to whatever he may find.
An hour in and he begins to write down things he sees.
A spot here a shimmer there all as pleasant as could be.
A hour more and he's unsure of what is real or make believe.
A light in the sky opens high and wide.
A portal, a gate to some forgotten place or maybe just somewhere to escape.
The sun is rising now and so is he, to a place that should not be.
He see's it now at first far off but then so close as if at hand.
His mouth can't find the words to say.
There are none those things are done and he doubts if there ever was one.

[PrinceMyshkin]

The first seven words, with that internal rhyme, set up such a strong expectation of a pattern that will be maintained, that everything after it seemed prosaic, or halting. I have the feeling you'd do much better with this if you wrote it as a short story.

[E.A Rumfield]

I rearranged it a bit and added a different ending.

Walking alone, with no bag or phone,
a man sets off in a barren desert.
To clear his mind, in search of some peaceful time,
he is open to whatever he may find.

An hour in, and he begins
to write down things he sees.
A spot here, a shimmer there,
all as pleasant as could be.
A hour more, and he's unsure
of what is real or make believe.
A light in the sky opens high and wide.
A portal, a gate to some forgotten place,
or maybe just somewhere to escape.

The sun is rising now and so is he,
to a place that should not be.
He sees it now, at first far off,
but then so close as if at hand.
His mouth can't find the words to say.
There are none, those things are done
For the glory that lay before his eyes
exist no syllables to describe. He left
that place and went on his way he would never
forget what he'd seen that day.

[Buh4Bee]

Nice revision, better than the Original.

[Hawkman]

I think you need to decide whether this is intended to be a comic verse or a serious obervational narrative. Some of the rhythm and rhyme come over as jolly, which is fighting with other elements which are prose-like. Consequently the flavour is confused leaving the reader unsure of your intentions.

Live and be well - H

[AuntShecky]

The version with the broken-up lines is an improvement, but both versions seem more like prose than verse. Try it as an essay or fleshed out into a short story.

[paradoxical]

I wonder if this would work as a prose poem?

[qimissung]

I think it can work as a poem. The revision is an improvement. It's still a bit sing-songy. I think if you can find a way to keep the rhyme but work on the rhythm so that the tone is more stately and reverent, I think that would go a long way towards improving it. :)

[Bar22do]

I'm with qim on this, believe it's an improvement and it even starts reading a bit like a ballad, but for it to become one, it needs still more work. But I like N's marvelous vision... Thanks for sharing! and am looking forward to seeing what you're going to do with it next!